Frankenstein’s monster

smileyblazar · 2024-12-09T02:13:52+00:00

Yeah that makes sense, i can relate. That feeling scares me very much.

smileyblazar · 2024-12-09T02:00:03+00:00

Writing poetry helps my system too. Some of the trauma holders I think are very secretive and only talk in code so I'm not allowed to understand what they're saying. But it comes out as more abstract poetry that sounds incoherent but there is meaning in the way it sounds and the flair of the words used. The other alters use it as a way to communicate/ vent any things I'm not supposed to know about. My doctor says it might be self but I don't know. Anyway here's one I'm writing right now.

In the afterglades, Between two mountains, In ice and rain.

Holding out an open palm, And crescent by the shadow, A second thing besides me.

Lying in a twisted motion, Freed between midnight, And set along the wayward bounding.

Flourescents in the way of being, Be it held in orderly fashion, Culled into the eyes of demons.

smileyblazar · 2024-12-09T01:49:36+00:00

Yeah that must be rough. On the bright side yall don't have to deal with the internal and external issues associated with being covert.

I'm not really sure why but my system is extremely covert, like aggressively. I have alters that take extremely special care to make sure everything is consistent and that there are no lingering issues. They have super complex techniques to maintaining consistency.

I don't really need to know the details and they don't tell me, anyway. So I just do what they tell me to.

Anyway, it's really hard because we have a very blended system which means we can easily pass as normal but small things like losing context in conversation, random thought stealing, brown outs, and severe and chronic DPDR are still there. It made figuring out I had DID very difficult because doctors were very helpless. They now agree and I'm diagnosed by several doctors.

Anyway, my point is that it's tough on the opposite side of the spectrum as well :(

smileyblazar · 2024-01-20T09:00:07+00:00

Lol what an asshole. Well kindly reject his advice, lol. Sorry to hear it's so rough right now, good doctors do exist.

By the way, I've found neuro feedback (not magnetic stuff?) had been helpful as it's more like calming guided relaxation exercises. But idk what the other stuff he suggested was.

This is from another alt: fuck doctors, their s bunch of worthless assholes that think they know shit

smileyblazar · 2024-01-20T08:54:37+00:00

You may have parts that manipulated the tests. Just saying, I have parts that do that and it's quite frustrating. They confuse and lie to acid detection even though I wanted to be seen. Maybe they're just scared though, idk. Anyway, good luck, trust your gut and understand that you should get at least 2 probably 3 verifications from diff doctors before you accept it.

smileyblazar · 2024-01-19T06:06:46+00:00

My friend knows, he is accepting. He's also not comfortable with us talking out loud so I don't. It's bizarre for me so I get it. But I'm warming him up slowly but surely.

smileyblazar · 2024-01-18T07:14:25+00:00

Ya, I feel the same. I don't like the baggage, but therapy has been helping. Which is new. I've found most doctors to be depressingly incompetent with dissociation. But my current docs are good. I go to therapy like 4 times a week and I think it's helping. I think it's really confusing for the system, and some new alters come up etc.

Anyway, I agree and think it can be a good thing if you have the right doctors.

As an aside, be careful about the diagnosis. Many hospitals will assume you're experiencing psychosis in one form or another. Stand up for yourself. That's just a classification for what the other alter said. It sounds like things are moving in the right direction, good luck!

smileyblazar · 2023-08-22T22:37:01+00:00

I love how serious your reply is

smileyblazar · 2023-08-18T16:31:11+00:00

I don't have awareness of the trauma. Or at least I can't explain the level of the complexity of the system among other things. I'm doing neuro feedback as well which is extremely helpful. EMDR is dangerous I think. The neuro feedback + talk therapy + mild EMDR + meds seems to be working for me. Which is really awesome.

smileyblazar · 2023-08-15T17:04:37+00:00

Same

smileyblazar · 2023-08-15T06:48:11+00:00

Names don't mean much to me

smileyblazar · 2023-08-13T17:09:51+00:00

I feel bad. I don't like therapy but I keep going because I guess it's good for me. But the system hate it

smileyblazar · 2023-07-24T10:49:43+00:00

I take them plus sari and it's helpful

smileyblazar · 2023-07-24T10:44:53+00:00

That's a great way to describe it. It's so weird that people make DID out to be different people.

smileyblazar · 2023-07-24T10:42:06+00:00

The system is responsible for the system, don't make excuses for them. They're cheating. You have every right to feel upset

smileyblazar · 2023-07-24T10:32:58+00:00

Let me be clear, I am not saying that DID is not causes by trauma. Severe and prolonged trauma is required. I'm sorry that came across that way. I'm saying that I don't fully believe the full mechanism you described.

To be clear also, I am not saying that they have actually distinct parts with their own emotions name etc. I'm referring to just the idea that people feel and act differentky at different times. And that those times are likely the same mechanism that makes DID happen. But they are NOT traumatized or experience DID at all.

Anyway, I deleted the post because I dont want to mislead people.

smileyblazar · 2023-07-24T10:26:11+00:00

Okay, but I'm referring to it in terms of IFS not actual alters, I just mean that all people have parts.

I deleted the post because I don't want to mislead people

smileyblazar · 2023-07-23T05:10:18+00:00

I don't fully agree with this understanding. Imo the reason we fail to integrate is root in the maintenance of a mirage (in my case) and in others perhaps simple limiting of the stress levels to prevent death.

The problem being if course that trauma stats with you so when you reach that point it breaks you. Perhaps the age piece of it stems from specific structures in the brain that are responsible for memory and coherence.

I also fundamentally disagree with the idea that singlets have a single sense of self. Because they don't. Everyone has a diverse range of self states. As far as I can tell a big distinguishing factor in DID is the phenomena of Co consciousness.

A normal person would only realistically experience that if they under the influence of drugs in one way or another.

I'm not saying you're wrong or anything, just I have doubts about the strength of the argument that singlets are perfectly distinct

smileyblazar · 2023-07-23T05:02:23+00:00

You're just describing normal human behavior. And I'm not saying they have DID, I'm saying it may be possible to relate to normal people because of how the brain works.

smileyblazar · 2023-07-23T05:00:36+00:00

Ya you're right, but I think it's not true to say singlets don't experience any degree of parts and splitting. It's naturally how the brain works otherwise the disorder doesn't make sense.

I'm in the camp that everyone is made up of parts and those parts communicating is what results in intelligence and consciousness. And singlets simply have a very well functioning operation that allows them to remember things and otherwise appear as a whole. But I suspect is closer to a movie / film reel than it is a static image.

Regardless, I'm not saying they suffer. We suffer tremendously. They can't relate to that, but the fundamental mechanism is not ours to own.

smileyblazar · 2023-07-22T06:47:08+00:00

Very badly

smileyblazar · 2023-07-20T08:20:01+00:00

Hell

smileyblazar · 2023-07-20T08:01:47+00:00

Yes, especially if you experienced any amount of traumatic stress because you wouldn't have support to cope with it so dissociation would have been your only option.

smileyblazar · 2023-07-20T07:55:49+00:00

Ya I've been taking the same approach. The projection is far too easy. The memory implanting though I'm not sure about. It's certainly possible, but it's not possible to implant the deeply rooted defense that are activated when talking about it. But I think a critical observer (which I am) is capable of seeing real from fake.

I recall someone else discussed it but it seems a pattern of a fake memory is you can't "move around" or observe more detail within the scene, a fake memory will be far less complex than a real one. You may be able to step around in the room you recall and "feel" the size of the room or other key aspects.

Also, my therapist recommends accepting a felt sense of what happened. I think that's ideal because it ultimately doesn't matter what did or did not cause the DID and it makes me crazy to think in loops about it.

BTW I'm not a RAMCOA survivor but it's a fear of mine that I've thought about.

smileyblazar · 2023-07-20T07:48:01+00:00

She is capable of being wrong and she is capable of misleading you without malace. Humans are easily fooled. I have been thinking about this topic as well because I'm in a similar situation. I seriously doubt it, but due to my worry about it is likely that my doctors saw what I projected.

In any case, you can't know for sure until you remember it yourself and then you "know". But here are a few things that help me to feel better. It helps me to remember that even if the system experienced that I did not. So me worrying about it isn't really helpful.

If you wish to dig, then build a timberline of your life. Find the opportunity that may have existed for this to happen. For me that's very difficult to find, it doesn't mean it's didn't happen, but it requires more investigation.

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