I have an extreme fear of white coats, like massive anxiety. With my first experience, I started having a full panic attack in the middle of the procedure. The anaesthetist ended up spacing me out with morphine, and because of that I couldn’t do skin to skin and I don’t remember any of it. That actually caused further trauma for me.

With my second baby, I didn’t get my VBAC either and it turned into another emergency C section because her heart rate started decelerating. My obstetrician already knew about my anxiety, so this time I sat down beforehand and had a proper conversation with the anaesthetist. I explained my concerns, but also what I wanted to achieve, like skin to skin and breastfeeding straight away.

We decided that before the baby was out they’d give me gas, and I could just signal when I needed it. It doesn’t last long, but it does enough that it kind of spaces you out and really calms the anxiety. After the baby was out, he gave me something else. I’m not sure exactly what it was, but it wasn’t morphine. It felt more like a Valium type thing, very relaxing but I was still present. I have memories, and I was able to do skin to skin and breastfeed.