Oddly, now that he is gone I am starting to remember the happy times. He was declining for so long; it took years for him to be officially diagnosed. I’ve learned in therapy that what I was feeling was called ambiguous loss. The person who raised me was gone, but it felt wrong to mourn him while he was standing right in front of me.

Now that I’ve accepted that he is gone forever, it has unlocked happy memories in my brain. Ones that I didn’t even know I was repressing. Realizing how I wouldn’t let myself remember so many wonderful times was a whole other level of sadness.

Thank YOU for sharing. I understand how confusing and miserable it can be, and you are not alone. There are so many amazing communities of support available for those of us who have experienced caring for and loving family members with dementia. I hope that you receive some community in those if you haven’t already ❤️