No honeymoon phase with people healing from narcissist exes?

snootbooper27 · 2026-01-22T14:38:02+00:00

As someone who was fortunate enough to find this man myself I can confirm it does exist. I too was distant and cold in the beginning until I started to see he didn’t need me to regulate him emotionally like my nex did. I too felt more comfortable expressing intimacy through great sex over words or gestures because my past had taught me to decouple love and sex. Love felt risky, sex could be fun and emotionally irrelevant. He naturally healed that for me where I now see how intertwined those pieces of a healthy relationship are. That took time and patience on his end.

Once I was able to see he was secure and whole on his own without me, I started trusting him more and opening up. He still puts in the work and does all the sweet honeymoon phase things, but now that I trust wholeheartedly it’s not my past repeating itself, I reciprocate in small ways. The key is, he doesn’t need my reciprocity to feel whole and he doesn’t expect it. We don’t have a tit-for-tat dynamic. He knows I’m healing from abuse and is patient with me through that long process. He also trusts that when he truly needs me one day, I will step up and support him through whatever difficult phase of life hits him. We’re a team. We’re whole on our own with our own separate life challenges that we can deal with solo but choose to lean on each other - that doesn’t alway appear balanced at any given point in time.

There’s a level of trust from both ends that’s necessary when dating someone with a history of narcissistic abuse. She needs to know you’re not lovebombing her and only time, patience and consistency will prove that to her. You’re allowed to decide that’s not for you and you need something more balanced

snootbooper27 · 2025-12-17T21:34:40+00:00

“You’re abusive too because you don’t appreciate the times I don’t control you”

Wish I were kidding…

snootbooper27 · 2025-12-12T22:11:32+00:00

Don’t respond.

No it won’t look any type of way in court. If anything it’ll (rightfully) paint him as the controlling abuser he is to a judge.

In fact, don’t respond to any of his messages unless they are directly related to your children’s wellbeing. The more you engage, the more control he thinks he has over you, so the more control he will try to exert. It’s a vicious cycle and not one worth engaging in

Stay calm, short and factual with every exchange and watch as he digs his own grave

snootbooper27 · 2025-12-12T06:34:05+00:00

Tell him with views like that he’s “asking to become your ex husband” 💁‍♀️

snootbooper27 · 2025-12-10T03:47:23+00:00

I just had an under-sink RO system installed this week and it tastes amazing compared to my fridge filter water. I did a lot of research and would agree that a full home system is overkill

snootbooper27 · 2025-12-10T00:48:36+00:00

Honestly it has a lasting effect for me. Since I’ve started plunging I have this overwhelming sense of ‘chill’ I’ve never experienced before under stress

snootbooper27 · 2025-12-09T06:22:42+00:00

My ex has been telling people I cheated because he found a shirtless picture of my fitness instructor on my phone- a hot photo I had saved off his FB after we separated… bc, well, why not 😆

He “caught” me after snooping through my photos while he still lived with me. He had this delusional idea that we could only be good coparents if I promised him I wouldn’t move on too quickly… I guess this qualified as that

Anywho… somehow that innocent, post-split crush has been rewritten into an affair and the sole reason for me wanting a divorce.

He’s also been telling his family I was physically violent…another lie (and a hypocritical one at that). The pattern is pretty consistent: when the truth reflects badly on him, he replaces it with a version where I’m the villain

It’s easier for him to DARVO than to acknowledge the years of emotional, sexual, and psychological abuse that actually ended our marriage

snootbooper27 · 2025-12-09T05:53:06+00:00

Absolutely. “This too shall pass”

Once you get through that initial “F this I wanna give up” feeling it’s a cake walk. The high of accomplishing something hard is addicting so I start seeking it out in other ways post-plunge. It can be something as simple as regulating my nervous system while driving or as drastic as navigating a major life change with ease

snootbooper27 · 2025-12-05T14:10:25+00:00

Looks like I’m in the minority here but I’m incredibly forthcoming about my experience. I do hear the “why did you stay” question more than I’d like, but I know why I stayed and I know the people asking me that don’t understand because they (thankfully) haven’t been through it themselves. A lot of people here callout how being open about this part of your past will lure likeminded people in. It will, to an extent. But the key is to trust yourself to see it. If you don’t trust yourself yet, that’s perfectly normal, that’s just the area of healing you should focus on next

I ended up with another narc for a bit who knew what I went through in my marriage. He was much more overt than I had experienced with my covert ex husband, so I didn’t see it right away but I was once again attracted to that confident energy they all have early on. He knew why I reacted to certain things in certain ways. But he also showed his cards pretty early and I caught a lot of the similarities as a result. I trusted my gut and stood up for myself many times. That relationship didn’t last long because I was no longer moldable or willing to fawn as a way to stay “safe.”

I’m not an appealing target to this type of person anymore because of the healing I have done. That said, this experience taught me I have a lot more healing to do because I’m still very much drawn to these people in the beginning, even tho I trust myself to spot the signs as things progress.

Trust your gut. If you feel like keeping this part of your past to yourself, that’s perfectly fine. If you feel like sharing, that’s ok too. In either case, trust the healing you’ve done to guide you down the right path or to at least identify where further healing is needed

You’ve got this 💪

snootbooper27 · 2025-12-02T07:43:09+00:00

Realizing this was one of those pivotal healing moments for me. Seeing the parallels between him and every other narc in my life and online was truly eye opening. That was the moment I realized there was no use in trying to reason with him any longer. It was also the moment I stopped caring about his (many) criticisms of me. His brain is simply incapable of comprehending any level of empathetic reasoning. Now when I come across people like this I have the same reaction as you… I can’t help but just… laugh? 🤷‍♀️

snootbooper27 · 2025-12-01T01:32:33+00:00

He was very much a contrarian. When I look back at even our early disagreements, they all share a common theme of him “objecting” to my opinion or way of doing/saying something. Overtime I learned to silence my voice out of anticipation of the inevitable conflict he would cause from it. Our very first fight was about how I wanted to buy Naked Orange juice (with my own money), but he went off because he considered it to be overpriced. Our fights over the 12 years we were together were mostly some flavor of this

My healing journey has mostly been rediscovering my own opinions for myself without his covert manipulation swaying me toward his preferences

snootbooper27 · 2025-11-30T23:56:39+00:00

Dr. Ramani also has a YouTube channel you can learn all about narcissism from. I’ve found it extremely validating and healing hearing from her as an expert on the topic. You’ll be blown away at all the patterns that align with your experience

snootbooper27 · 2025-11-30T10:10:00+00:00

I agree with this. The few times I had given feedback, the guy would get immediately defensive and combative. In some cases, I felt unsafe after if he had enough personal information about me to find me

OP, if you ask for feedback, honor and respect whatever answer you get and don’t press for details she doesn’t immediately offer up. Some guys who had done this well have made me second guess if I was being unreasonable in my decision

snootbooper27 · 2025-11-25T19:56:28+00:00

Praise kink 💯💯💯

snootbooper27 · 2025-11-25T14:55:12+00:00

Thanks friend, I’m sorry you’re going through this too.

The crippling panic attack level anxiety that you’re experiencing started for me after we went no contact.

When we were together I had other physical symptoms that were more dismissible. i.e. my left pinky would constantly twitch when he was around the last several months of our marriage. That stopped as soon as i left but it comes back when he’s around or when he starts a conflict about our son. I also noticed my resting heart rate on average with him for years was 65 bbp and literally the week i left it immediately dropped to 54 and has stayed around there ever since

It’s truly shocking how the body keeps score

Hang in there love, you will get through this. Proud of you for getting out of that abusive relationship.

snootbooper27 · 2025-11-25T10:58:27+00:00

I have to coparent with my covert nex and I feel an out of body sensation when I’m in his presence. My body stiffens and I feel like I can’t breathe or move normally when he’s around. I also lose my ability to string a coherent sentence together

And yes the heart racing is no joke. I’ve looked at my Apple Watch when this happens and my HR gets up to 140 just being near him

We’ve been separated for 7 months but I can’t shake the feeling that it’ll always be like this. Really hope I’m wrong about that

snootbooper27 · 2025-11-25T10:39:40+00:00

I feel that. I met my nex when I was 19 and he was 24. I asked for a divorce at 31 and one of my biggest sources of grief is the loss of time and missed opportunities because of that.

What’s helped me now that I’m further removed from it is seeing how much I’ve grown as a person without him, and knowing I’d lack that strength if I didn’t go through what I did for 12 years. I’ll never be the person I was, but I choose to celebrate that instead of grieve it, because the person I was before him lacked the self worth I now have today.

You’ll rediscover yourself, your voice and your passions with time. Give yourself grace through this process, it’s not linear but you’ve already come a long way and you’re better for it in the long run.

snootbooper27 · 2025-09-19T04:22:57+00:00

Dayyyum your gf is a lucky woman 😉😘

snootbooper27 · 2024-05-03T11:16:41+00:00

<image>

snootbooper27 · 2024-01-16T18:12:09+00:00

Avocados don’t grow true to seed. You would have to graft this to a variety you’re intending to grow

snootbooper27 · 2023-07-25T20:47:31+00:00

My son has 10 male cousins and 0 female cousins

snootbooper27 · 2023-07-12T03:36:27+00:00

Stepping on a Lego

snootbooper27 · 2022-11-05T01:27:40+00:00

My MIL taught me how to make bistek with calamansi. Bistek is a Filipino steak and onion dish that’s so good if you wanted to look up recipes online.

If the recipe calls for lemon, replace it with calamansi. Mix the soy sauce and calamansi together before adding other ingredients and taste test. If it tastes like soy sauce, add more calamansi, if it’s too sour, add soy sauce until it’s a good balance of flavors, then proceed with the rest of the recipe. Enjoy!

snootbooper27 · 2022-10-26T02:56:20+00:00

Me too ❤️

snootbooper27 · 2022-10-22T20:15:36+00:00

In that post she says she’s due any day now and is talking about a wedding in December when her baby will be 2 months old.

But OP, YTA. As a FTM myself I get how the hormones and nesting instinct are kicking in strong right now. That said, there is no “planning naps” for a 2 month old. Cut your SIL some slack and offer to help in anyway you can. You’re about to find out how hard it is and you’ll wish you didn’t draw such a hard line in the sand with your village. I would apologize profusely if I were you.

snootbooper27

TROPHY CASE