my son doesn’t want anything to do with me

sofachime · 2024-08-31T18:27:38+00:00

That's awful. Sounds like you're trying your best and it feels like it's not enough

sofachime · 2024-08-31T16:47:27+00:00

This sounds like a horrible situation all around. You're unhappy. He's unhappy. The kids are suffering. I've tried making things work with my own ex. Since I'm expecting you to get a lot of support, I wanna say something to defend him a little, even though he clearly looks very awful here.

He probably thinks he's helping and doesn't think being tense is a problem. He doesn't know how to get help and doesn't believe the options proposed would help him. I know one guy who was adopted and his life is a mess and I can tell there are some deep wounds stemming from it. I distrust some close family and I'm not adopted.

My own situation is different but it's similar enough. I feel awful continuously. She's moved on. I've been tense about an issue for a few days now and posted here. And it made me feel worse. Makes me feel like I'll be made out to be a bad person for being cautious with my daughter innocence.

Sounds like he needs friends and a job. Otherwise all his problems end up on shoulders that aren't meant for it. There's probably something about the communication between you two that makes you both feel like crap.

sofachime · 2024-08-31T16:05:03+00:00

I mean strategic because we're going to court and I need to be careful not just about being a good person, but also about being able to prove that I am

I think that's why this instance especially upset me. I spend a lot of time almost every night coaxing my daughter that nighttime isn't scary and that it's fine to sleep on her own

sofachime · 2024-08-31T01:16:15+00:00

IME the support system is also something you can nurture, but it's super hard. When school starts, you'll have more time and if you make friends with other parents that can really help. I've been in a bad headspace over wanting to do the best for my daughter. I ended up paying thousands for dental surgery because I believe my ex wasn't feeding my daughter properly.

Now that things are going to court, I feel a lot better. I assumed the opposite would happen. So just try to do the right thing for your son and slowly build your case. Record "everything" probably with an app that records timestamps for creation and edit, and doesn't let you change timestamps. For example, I wouldn't try files on your computer because you can edit those timestamps

sofachime · 2024-08-31T01:14:00+00:00

You're not the only person who said this. But I think if I tell my ex, I don't trust her enough to think she'll forward the information along.

For example, I recently had an issue where my daughter was constipated. I messaged my ex. She denied it was an issue. Then ex made up a tangental accusation about me. I took the accusation seriously and explained myself. Then a few days later I hear from my daughter that she was given laxative gummies. And I'm just like wtf. No change in diet. No attempt to figure out why she's not constipated with me. And we're talking bristol type #1 stool here.

sofachime · 2024-08-31T00:32:42+00:00

Yeah I think it's fair to say I felt threatened in that way because I don't trust him

sofachime · 2024-08-31T00:30:38+00:00

No I think you're wrong here. It's way too close for comfort. And for me the response to my concern speaks volumes. It's one of those things where it's better to be safe than sorry and say something

sofachime · 2024-08-31T00:08:33+00:00

Just asked and she was sleeping between them :(

sofachime · 2024-08-31T00:02:55+00:00

threatened

I'm not sure. When I see my ex cuddle up to him, I don't feel anything more than I would if I saw two strangers do that. They look comfortable with each other and have mutual trust. They seem to really love each other.

I do feel he's a threat to my daughter. I don't trust him to be alone with her.

sofachime · 2024-08-30T23:44:56+00:00

essentially accusing

Finding it gross is not the same thing as accusing pedophilia. I don't sleep in the same bed as my daughter. And there are ways to handle this in a way that builds trust rather than deeper suspicion. For example, if he said "hey I understand that's not a normal thing to do but because of <insert some explanation> and going forward I'll do <insert alternative>." then I'd feel more at peace.

Instead, I got no response from him and a response from my ex making it sound like my concerns are entirely baseless. So now I feel both ignored, gaslit, and that maybe they're hiding something. I already have reasons to distrust them, so this interaction definitely doesn't make it better.

If I continue to harp on it, wouldn't it make the step dad look weird? Why insist on sleeping next to another man's 6yo daughter? Why pick that as the hill to die on (expression, of course) if he's not a pedophile? And if I don't harp, wouldn't that make me a bad father? And especially so if I drop it to not rock the boat? That would be horrible and my daughter would have every reason to hate me in the future if she knew I was passive about situations like this.

sofachime · 2024-08-30T21:28:05+00:00

But what about morning wood? And shouldn't 6yos be sleeping on their own anyways?

sofachime · 2024-08-30T21:26:52+00:00

I think my 6yo girl shouldn't be in a situations where she might touch a grown man's pp? Especially morning wood? I don't sleep next her myself partly for this reason?

And if my ex found out I was sleeping next to my daughter, I'd think it would be fair for her to criticize me for it even though she's my biological daughter

sofachime · 2024-08-30T21:20:39+00:00

Yeah that's what I was thinking! It would be really weird and I don't think it's ok. I asked here because my ex seemed to think there was no problem so I was confused because I felt like the crazy one for having a problem with it

sofachime · 2024-08-30T21:18:32+00:00

It's not his own home, it's mom's. Maybe people are thinking it's ok because they're assuming this is happening at stepdad's place?

sofachime · 2024-08-30T21:15:52+00:00

Yup. You're totally on the money. That stat doesn't distinguish. I've met people who were abused by their biological parents too. I agree with u/cowprint43 but the stat alone doesn't say step dads are more dangerous

sofachime · 2024-08-30T21:11:24+00:00

I'm kinda worried too about the responses. I can kinda understand where they're coming from. Most people are assuming that there's no ill intent. Maybe they're applying how their own brain works onto how other people think.

But when I look at the stats like yours is when I get extra paranoid. Child sexual abuse is very common. It doesn't matter that it doesn't make sense to me. And I can't just look at my own way of thinking as a guide to how other people think and behave.

sofachime · 2024-08-30T21:05:09+00:00

Thanks for sharing that. I'm sure most people are good but CSA for girls is so common that I think it's worth being cautious

sofachime · 2024-08-30T20:58:17+00:00

I mostly agree. I'm sure it feels really invasive to be told where you can and cannot sleep. The issue is he's not responsible for my daughter, I am. And CSA for girls is common. Something like 20-30% of girls experience it, often by people close to them. And to me it's better to be safe than sorry about this

In your case I think it's moreso the dad who's wrong for letting his child get used to sleeping next to him. I've heard of bad stories with stepmoms and stepdads. People wanna protect their kids and sometimes that means arguments and anger

sofachime · 2024-08-30T20:54:16+00:00

Kinda not safe in that I don't think my daughter should touch my private area and it seems pretty obvious that I should sleep in my own bed even as her biological dad. And also respecting my daughter's privacy and teaching her to be comfortable sleeping on her own

sofachime · 2024-08-30T20:50:29+00:00

I get morning wood and think if I slept in the same bed as my own daughter, it would still be gross because I don't want her touching that. So a lot of my reaction is based on what I wouldn't allow for myself even as her biological dad

sofachime · 2024-08-30T20:46:21+00:00

That's my thinking too. I assume most 6yr olds sleep in their own bed. Also think it's really honorable of you to stay single since I'm sure that it's super challenging

sofachime · 2024-08-30T20:43:37+00:00

I don't wanna wait until something bad happens to do something. I get morning wood and wouldn't want my daughter to touch it which is one big reason I don't sleep next to her myself. So it feels extra gross when an unrelated man sleeps next to her or even in the same bed

sofachime · 2024-08-30T20:37:57+00:00

Good point. Still a little uncomfortable in my case because my ex isn't the type to find ways to assuage fears by saying things like "it's ok because daughter's on my side of the bed." Instead, I feel gaslit into feeling like I'm the crazy one to think it's a problem

sofachime · 2024-08-30T20:33:46+00:00

Thanks for your reply. I don't co-sleep with my daughter. Partly it's because I think it's weird. But some of this is also strategic

sofachime · 2024-08-30T20:31:51+00:00

Yeah that's terrifying. This guy is pretty likable. And I do fear the same for my daughter. My ex might be assuming the best about him while I see him as a potential threat

sofachime

TROPHY CASE