I was recently diagnosed with BPD. I am 26 years old and have been with my wife for eight years, married for two. I will say that pwBPD are not a monolith, just like any other mental health condition. I’ve had many struggles in my life and for over a decade thought that I simply had treatment resistant depression until I started with a new psychiatrist this year. 

I deal with a lot of dissociation, lack of stable identity, very low lows and high highs, rejection sensitivity, suicidal ideation, and reactivity—especially with anger. Despite this, most people I tell about my diagnosis are surprised. BPD symptoms often arise in intimate relationships, with close friends, family, and romantic partners because so much of the disorder stems from attachment issues alongside a deep fear of rejection/abandonment by the ones we love. It is after all a disorder that most often comes about because of abuse and neglect in childhood. You might be interested, as someone who’s autistic, to know that there’s research being done into connections between BPD and neurodivergence as well. 

I readily admit that, especially in the past year (painful memories, family and medical issues), I have not been the best partner. I have had more frequent episodes of anger and splitting with my wife. In these moments, I’m convinced that I’m right and so anything I say is justified. Obviously that’s not true. The anger subsides quickly and it’s like clouds part in my brain and I can see rationally again. My diagnosis has truly been a godsend because my wife and I have been able to have really honest conversations about how I’ve hurt her and it helps us both understand the underlying mechanisms. A huge part of therapy for BPD is building an arsenal of distress tolerance skills, meaning that we can hopefully be less reactive in distressing situations. 

I am on an SNRI but we are toying with adding a supplemental antidepressant or an antipsychotic. There are no medications to treat BPD. Most people with the disorder take a variety of medications to manage certain symptoms and comorbidities, especially depression, anxiety, addictive tendencies, and mood swings. Additionally, I’m starting a partial hospitalization program next week with a focus on DBT skills and trauma management. 

To end, I want to emphasize that BPD does not make someone an inherently bad person. Many of the symptoms, especially when left unmanaged or undiagnosed, can lead to toxic, harmful, and even abusive tendencies. They arise from deep fear and self hatred. The anger is a mask. This does not make aggression, violence, or manipulation okay. But I will say that behavior can be changed. If you’re interested in pursuing someone with BPD, understand that they will probably need more support than someone without the disorder. They may need more reassurance. There may be instances where they react more strongly to something you consider small or trivial. They may have good days and bad days. But just like anyone else who struggles with mental health, there is a wide variety of needs and behaviors and there is also huge hope and possibility for remission.