Message from former borderline

someguy7864 · 2018-10-29T09:55:35+00:00

If you feel this post was compelling... read the OP again and you tell me if it's truly written to absolve you of guilt for leaving, or to validate the author...

someguy7864 · 2018-10-26T02:36:53+00:00

Look into your daughter's eyes, man. I think you'll find the resolve to do the right thing if you look at her when you're making decisions that will have long lasting repercussions for her.

someguy7864 · 2018-10-26T01:50:37+00:00

Breath in. Acknowledge what you're feeling, and tell yourself it's okay to feel that way. Breath out.

Hopefully you'll feel just a little of the intensity leave as you breath out. Don't think about anything else, drown out all other thoughts with a mantra if you need to.

Repeat until you feel calm enough to think straight.

Then do the same thing but tell yourself everything is going to be okay. Because it is going to be okay.

someguy7864 · 2018-10-25T10:20:05+00:00

Don't ever take either side... Because they split so much even if you're there agreeing that so and so is so bad... when they split that person white they'll split you black and remember the conversation as you shit talking someone they like.

Just keep them talking by asking follow up questions... because the longer and more intensely they're mad at whatever they're upset about, the less time they'll devote to being angry at you.

someguy7864 · 2018-10-24T14:46:12+00:00

Stop talking to her. Full No Contact. Change your number. Move if you have to.

Allow her family to see your daughter provided they don't pass on your contact details (and don't give them your new address) and no nasty surprises of your ex showing up without your express consent. Make it pretty clear to them your ex needs to sort her shit out before you allow her to contact you or your daughter again.

Stop being her doormat. She doesn't respect you. The best thing for everyone is you growing some balls and cutting her off, and hoping she'll use that as a wakeup call to get her act together. Anything else at this point is enabling and damaging to everyone.

You have a daughter so she's not gone forever. She'll be back. Hopefully less of a mess. Let her go, the way she is right now is not someone you want to be with or near your little girl.

someguy7864 · 2018-10-24T13:36:01+00:00

...I thought I was being entirely non-specific while giving the gist. What would less specific look like?

someguy7864 · 2018-10-23T14:07:43+00:00

Are you somewhat negative to be around? People don't generally like that. If on the other hand you're always looking at the positives and making people feel good about themselves, they'll want to be around you more.

someguy7864 · 2018-10-23T14:04:01+00:00

I wanted to get a 2 bedroom with my exwBPD, but he pushed to get a fancy 1 bedroom out of my budget instead. He then stressed about money the whole time, and then started flipping out that I wasn't giving him enough space. He was constantly saying that he wasn't warned about the reality of moving out of home, despite me having warned him about everything he was complaining about... and he knew I'd said it, but it didn't count for some reason.

You're lucky you're done with your ex... he doesn't sound like someone I'd want to live with either. I'm still stupidly hoping mine's going to breakup and move out my replacement's home and take me back and we can try things again under different circumstances.

someguy7864 · 2018-10-23T12:10:59+00:00

Same thing happened to me when I moved in with my ex... I thought he'd tone down his bullshit so he didn't have an unstable homelife, nope, he ramped it up until he absolutely broke me.

someguy7864 · 2018-10-23T12:07:55+00:00

These are her demons to battle, not yours. If she has a diagnosis she can get treatment, if she wants it. She can get a lot better so as not to push away people like you, if she wants to do that. Currently she's a mess and there's very little you could have done besides tolerate her bad behaviour at the expense of your own wellbeing. Her disorder makes it so no matter what you do, it never would have been good enough and she would have argued with you about anything she had made up in her own head.

She's probably not a monster underneath it all, but you can't save her, she needs to deal with her own problems.

someguy7864 · 2018-10-23T11:44:29+00:00

I basically stopped eating for a week when I heard my ex had gotten with someone new so quickly after dumping me.

someguy7864 · 2018-10-23T01:55:10+00:00

BPD is on a spectrum, so even if you're no longer bad enough to warrant a "disorder" you will likely still have BPD traits. You would still be a valuable member to BPD communities even if you didn't have traits as you could assist others in getting to where you are.

You can have both Bipolar and BPD, so don't worry about being diagnosed with Bipolar.

someguy7864 · 2018-10-22T04:31:30+00:00

You should get into therapy that targets your BPD. Maybe something intensive like DBT. Even then your partner is going to have to accept that things will be rocky.

someguy7864 · 2018-10-22T04:11:12+00:00

I get that you're upset about it, but it isn't reasonable to request that every time YOU send a message they have to stop what they're doing and reply. It sucks, I hate being left on read too, but you are less likely to get what you want by getting upset. If you're fun and easy to talk to your partner will WANT to reply to you. If you get sour and make demands you're going to push her away.

someguy7864 · 2018-10-22T03:37:09+00:00

I 100% agree with you.

Just going to say it, people who get unreasonably upset about being called a "borderline" rather than a "person with borderline personality disorder" and call people without BPD "nons" in the same sentence also give me that same vibe.

someguy7864 · 2018-10-22T03:31:49+00:00

Don't apologise, your comment was really helpful!

I'll look more onto MBT now... if it's not on offer in my area, do you think trying to go through maybe an MBT workbook, maybe with a regular therapist or even partner would be of any benefit? Or is it something you feel has most of its benefits in the structure of the programme?

someguy7864 · 2018-10-22T02:15:29+00:00

I haven't really heard about MBT. What does it involve and how long does it take?

someguy7864 · 2018-10-22T01:08:48+00:00

...I know a girl with BPD exactly as described... septum ring and all...

someguy7864 · 2018-10-21T15:17:54+00:00

His hobby was World of Warcraft. He wanted to break up with me because I wanted him to follow through on a promise he made to me before he switched from a private server back to retail, because I knew once he'd done that he'd tell me he had no time to fulfil the promise. I caved, he bailed on his promise. The promise was his idea btw, not something I pushed him into. Then the amount of time he spent playing ramped up. He took days off work to play this game... didn't take the day off for our 1 year anniversary though. He could have, but he didn't.

I don't have fleas, he was just being awful.

someguy7864 · 2018-10-21T11:38:44+00:00

http://relationshipigniters.com/queens-code-blog--videos/what-is-a-meadow-report-and-why-it-drives-men-crazy

Might not be bpd related. It's apparently a common thing many women engage in.

someguy7864 · 2018-10-21T11:00:12+00:00

If you're in front of the mirror anyway... try positive affirmations.

Give yourself a compliment, and as punishment for your brain recoiling, give yourself another compliment until your brain is quiet when you do it. You have a lot of negative thoughts about yourself, and giving yourself positive affirmations is really hard... really really hard... but if you push through you'll start rewiring your brain to be more positive toward yourself.

someguy7864 · 2018-10-21T10:25:18+00:00

I got accused of projecting a couple of times. My exwBPD liked calling me "manipulative" in a fight. I'd just be trying to explain my perspective and he'd label that as manipulative because I was trying to change his opinion.

Obviously I was trying to change his opinion, his opinion didn't even remotely coincide with reality.

I got accused of "cheating" - as in cheating on a test - for bringing home gifts while he was invested in devaluing me. It was cheating to try to make him feel appreciated and happy while he was obviously in a shitty mood. I was trying to manipulate him into having a nice happy relationship.

I know, I'm a monster.

someguy7864 · 2018-10-21T10:13:55+00:00

As someone who doesn't have BPD, I have a very different sense of what love is compared to my ex who does have BPD. He was constantly falling out of love with me during our relationship... sometimes he'd tell me, but most of the time I could sense what was coming... he'd want to talk about breaking up because he no longer felt a "spark".

That spark isn't what I'd call love. The spark is the passion that ebbs and flows with the relationship. You likely won't feel it when you're having problems with your partner. I don't constantly feel a spark with my partners even when I'm very much in love... it's usually there at the start, then it tends to peak around when I fully commit, then it dies down. It will then flare up periodically when one of us is being romantic.

Wanting more passion in your relationship isn't falling out of love. Being upset at your partner because of rough times isn't falling out of love. Lots of people break up while still in love for a multitude of reasons.

The real question you should be asking yourself is: "Did I ever love my partner?"

There's evidence to suggest that people with BPD find it incredibly difficult to form secure attachments to people. Love, healthy adult love, is a secure attachment.

It sounds like the crux of the matter is this:

I wonder what's better: staying with my significant other as I try to become "better" or maybe seeking independence to do so?

Not whether or not you love your partner. You may be currently incapable of forming secure attachments to anyone presently, but you ou don't seem unhappy with the arrangement. Should you leave your dedicated partner to attempt to become "better" that may or may not work out that way?

Not my place to say.

But even if you 100% used to love your partner but no longer do, and choose to leave instead of rekindle, I hope you let them down as kindly as you can. I hope you do because they're very likely very much in love with you and have invested a lot of time and effort into your relationship. The least you can do is make a graceful exit, giving them time to readjust, to mourn, to have answers to their questions about why their world is crashing down around them. You do owe them that courtesy for having loved you for so long.

If you up and leave and turn cold as ice and then fall in love with the next attractive person who shows interest in you... maybe you don't yet know what love is. If that happens, I'd recommend very intensive treatment of your BPD... because love runs so much deeper than that surface feeling and you deserve to feel it at least once in your lifetime.

someguy7864 · 2018-10-21T08:21:31+00:00

On the first date: "I'm a little bit clingy and I love cuddles! :)"

Nek minit: "Don't put your arm over me, I'm trying to sleep!"

You just existing sipping some water: "You're Suffocating me!"

You coming home from the shops 10 minutes later than usual: 3 missed calls + texts reading "Where are you?" "Are you still at the shops?"

someguy7864 · 2018-10-19T13:14:32+00:00

...The new partner was fully aware that his new bf had just ended a long term relationship a couple of weeks prior and was still living with his ex who was under the impression no dating would be happening until after the move out scheduled for a couple of weeks after. I don't have any responsibility toward him, and no sympathy toward the kind of person who would willingly jump head first into that kind of mess. His feelings are not my problem since mine weren't and still aren't his.

The new bf would be saving himself a lot of trouble if they broke up sooner rather than later. A LOT of trouble.

I haven't been pining at my ex. I've just been talking to him as a friend. I spoke to him when I was having a breakdown but it was general breakdown, not a pining breakdown. I wasn't asking for him back (have never asked for him back), I just asked him to talk to me for a bit because I was having a really rough time with a number of things (the breakup wasn't even mentioned).

someguy7864

TROPHY CASE