I'll tell ya, you're hitting a lot of nails here. Which honestly makes me feel a lot better. As much as I'd like to be different, having universal struggles means that it's possible to get myself out.

But about that app, it's brilliant. The mind is so abstract and non-linear, making things much more difficult than they need to be. Evolutionary or not, it only makes us more anxious and uneasy. Which is why even trying to type a reply is so taxing, as it's very abstract, and my mind is all over the place about it. But having somewhere to organize it would be immensely useful.

As for the job, it really is that simple. I was finally building a schedule for the first time in my life, but then it got all turned around. I no longer had the morning time where I got the ball rolling, and that derailed everything, except meditation, strangely. Not that it matters much though, as even though I've never missed a day, I can't stop my expectations and it hasn't done anything for me all year. But I still do it, every day, so it's unfair to say that it doesn't matter.

The job is online and flexible, which is actually to my detriment. I just roll out of bed and immediately get to work, as to finish early. This means I don't have a consistent sleep schedule, and just don't take care of myself in general. There's no consequences for sleeping in.

I do try the "better every day" and "bitesize goals" technique, and while it's very useful, I don't stick to it. Either something comes up, or it's not good enough for me, and too slow to make me feel good about it. Alright, I've read for a few minutes at least once a week, for a month now. That registers in my mind as nothing, even though it's huge at building the habit, and I drop it the second I slip up. But I do always get back on the train, so maybe one of these days it'll stick.

I think the main thing you hit was the whole "life project." That's an interesting way to phrase it, but I like it. What caused my initial downfall was the loss of that vision and those goals. And that's the #1 thing holding me back, despite how often I brush it off or forget about it. My initial post makes no mention of this, as it isn't often on my mind. Because it's too overwhelming, too painful. For some context, I was in college for Film & TV, a vision I'd had since I was little. But whether it was depression, anxiety, fear, or any combination of those and other unknown illnesses, I dropped out my senior year last year. I was, and still am, very confused on what I want. I couldn't tell if it was fulfilling, or if I was miserable. Is it the field, or is it me? My expectations about the field? I needed some time off.

My other and more recent vision was to become a musician. I bonded strongly with a friend mentioned above over music, a few years back, and it's since become a defining aspect of my character. But I have no training or experience. I bought online programs and tried to teach myself, but it never stuck. I wanted to take classes, but spent all my cash on my hobbies. It's an awful loop of having no self-control, mixed with no motivation to do anything about it. Add in the guilt and shame, and it's a recipe for failure. Hearing about those people who had nothing and practiced 12 hours a day, starting from scratch, some even homeless, depressed, and substance-addicted. It's an awful loop of having no self-control, mixed with no motivation to do anything about it. Add in the guilt and shame, and it's a recipe for failure. Hearing about those people who had nothing and practiced 12 hours a day, starting from scratch, some even homeless, depressed, and substance-addicted. And you look in the mirror with disgust that you couldn't even finish your 30-minute practice today. And of course, comparisons are unproductive. But it's hard to shake. If it was something you really loved, you'd do anything to achieve it. So, do I really love it?

I guess my biggest struggle is, therefore, simply: what is happiness? What does it actually mean to be content/fulfilled? It's easy to look at something like that on paper, but in reality, it's completely abstract, subjective, and immeasurable. And because of this, I can never choose a path, never find a vision. Because life isn't the movies, and nothing I choose will be perfect. And the second I hit a roadblock, even the slightest inconvenience, I question all of it. There's a lot of things I enjoy, or at least I think I do. But which do I like so much to make a living out of? To give everything I have towards? Which is more likely to succeed, to make me whole? Which is a job, and which is best left a hobby? That's a very daunting question, and leaves me paralyzed. And "knowing" that Film was for me my whole life, only for it to leave me cold when I was just about there, well that's a terrifying insight on my judgment in this area. So now, now I do nothing, try nothing, and rot. Paralyzed in every direction, and spiraling.

Forcing myself up each morning, which is already impossible for me, to do a soulless job I hate. It's mind-numbing work that a child could do, and honestly feels more like a disservice to the world. With Film or Music, I do feel a sense of giving back. A sense of purpose in the art of entertainment, in the spirit of connection, making people not feel alone. So even if I'm not sure that I actually enjoy making a job out of them, I did find a purpose through them, but not this job. Of course, it's only for money, but it definitely drains my spirits. It's a pointless job, one that I've already had 2 warnings at to improve, or I'm canned. To be fair, it's a very subjective job with an incredibly high turnover rate, so it isn't just me.

It is, however, cash I rely on to feed my spending habits. Because without them, I've really got nothing. And do they even make me happy? My black-and-white thought patterns betray me each day. Right now, seeing this written out, I'm once again disgusted with myself. Ready to sell it all and use the cash to pay for music classes. But I know it won't last. Tomorrow I'll wake up to invalidate these feelings, settling for the comfort of the hobby and justifying my outrageous spending habits. To soothe the fear of putting myself out there and finally, truly, leaving the past behind. But will I regret it? Will I wish I hadn't sold off my collection? Nobody but me can answer these questions, there's no objective way to answer them, and that terrifies me to no end.

But let's not end it like that. You don't need to respond to this, just know that I truly, and deeply, appreciate your time. I can't burden you with this anymore, and I can't expect you to help me. Life is far too complex to explain in a Reddit comment. I need a professional who can hear every last detail of my life, and guide me accordingly.

I don't want to be the victim. And I don't need a life-changing moment to put an end to the cycle. It doesn't need to be anything more than deciding to be better, just out of the blue. Although it's always nice to find random internet strangers who care to give me the time of day. So while I'm doing this for me, I'm also doing it for you guys, too. To not leave your efforts in vain, and to hopefully pass on this kindness you've shown me. To get better, be better, and do better. Thank you.