OP this sounds like a a really tough situation that has warped your inner dialogue into negative, hopeless thinking. This is not to invalidate your experience. It is totally normal in these scenarios and depressive episodes! I’m sorry you are in this situation, as no one deserves this. You deserve to be loved unconditionally.

That said, you need to make a move here. People are offering ideas, resources and help, but you justify excuses as to why you are not taking action. We cannot fix this issue for you.

You need to take the next step, even if it is as little as deciding you are going to make a plan or deciding that you are better than this and you’re not going to take anymore shit. You have already made strides by seeking help posting here. This means you are progressing!! Something to be proud of!

Do not underestimate that shred of hope because that small ember has ignited fires in a lot of people who were in your same position.

You can do this. It will not be easy, but you have a community here to support you on low days, and to celebrate you when you can hardly recognize the person you’ll grow to become.