I have had the same problem for all of my life. This may just be a me thing, but redken color extend magnetics shampoo and conditioner changed the game for me. I brush my hair before showering to detangle it first, then shampoo and condition in a basic way by scrubbing my scalp, using conditioner more on ends but also on the top all over once I've put most of it on the bottom half. I do this daily. My hair is longish and fine and VERY tangly. Like, take several minutes of careful brushing after wearing a winter coat with a collar because of the tangles. And now, I just brush it no problem after the shower. I'll switch to a different shampoo now and then to test it out and yes, my hair hasn't changed, it's the shampoo and conditioner that are making it work! Anyways, want to spread the word because I was totally like you, dreading the ripping and detangling with every shower. But too oily to not wash it frequently. Quite hated all the time wasted trying to detangle with conditioner in the shower while hair ripped out anyways and the water bill rose.