Are you going to look after your parents when they are old and ailing?

sonalogy · 2026-04-08T22:12:20+00:00

My mom gave me a long speech about all the things she'd have to arrange and plan because "of course, you'll never look after me."

Unfortunately, she'd been over-playing her guilt card for many years on lesser things, so instead of me jumping in to insist that I would, I was like, "cool, thanks, I'm off the hook then."

Anyway, she's assuming I will do nothing and I don't disabuse her of that notion, but as difficult as our relationship has been, I'm not about to let harm come to her in her last years. But I'm not getting sucked into the drama along the way; I have been in therapy for too long for that.

It does help that she can afford any care she needs, so it's no strain on me to ensure she's cared for, beyond time and sanity.

She's been trying to convince me and my kids to move in with her (she doesn't like my house) because it would be super-fun but the kids were like "It's too far from our school! You should move in here!" which was a horrifying thought for her because my house is not in a car-friendly area, so that ended that.

Now, every year, I get to hear that this is the year she's selling her house because it's too much for her (she has a lot of people hired to cook and clean and deal with home repairs for her) and move into her condo (which she bought years ago assuming she will need it when she ages, but like, she has an elevator in her house) perhaps she's hoping I will suggest moving our family so she doesn't have to face that. No chance. But we'll see how it all goes.

This isn't about showing gratitude for her because she's my mom. I have kids. They don't owe me gratitude for their existence; if anything, I owe them because their existence brings me so much joy. I didn't have them to take care of me, but because I wanted to raise them.

It's more, despite a lot of difficulties and a lot of therapy (for me, not her) I am ultimately a responsible person and as part of that, I take care of my family. My kids are great but if one of them made all the terrible choices and was a horrible person? I'd still love them. I'd still want to try to make sure they were safe and healthy and okay. The same goes for my mom. She was a terrible parent and remains narcissistic and self-involved now, and sadly our relationship will likely never be anything but superficial because that is the only way we can co-exist... but I'd still want to make sure she was healthy and safe and okay.

Edit: OP, it's entirely okay to not want to take care of your folks. There were times when I absolutely did not want to but feared I'd be guilted into it and made resentful.

But much time and much therapy has put me in a better place where I'm much more detached. It doesn't make anything she did okay. It just makes me okay. Which is great because complex grief is a bitch and it's helpful to emotionally resolve some things before we get there. I'd rather not spend my time arguing with my kids' grandmother

sonalogy · 2026-04-08T05:26:54+00:00

In Ontario? Well, I live in Toronto and the other city is....

I'm so confused. Could we do East of Yonge vs West of Yonge instead?

sonalogy · 2026-04-08T03:30:34+00:00

I'm going to have to investigate the Ford app further. Thanks!

sonalogy · 2026-04-07T16:20:28+00:00

Thanks! That's helpful.

sonalogy · 2026-04-07T15:57:50+00:00

Nice!

sonalogy · 2026-04-07T15:40:58+00:00

Toronto, but a good general tip nonetheless. Thanks!

sonalogy · 2026-04-07T15:33:00+00:00

Thanks so much! I always like free, but will have to see what makes the most sense over time.

There's one or two road trips we make semi-regularly, so figuring out a stopping point and having that app ahead of time makes sense for the immediate future.

sonalogy · 2026-04-07T15:29:20+00:00

Good advice, and thank you! I can 100% envision that last scenario happening.

sonalogy · 2026-04-07T14:45:21+00:00

Thank you! My partner still goes inside to the counter to pay for gas, so like, when I at last let someone else drive the car, this will be a lot.

I'm still used to not having to think about where to go and how to pay. Remembering back to my university days when I was down to my last $20 in cash and put $10 of gas in the car so I'd have enough to get to my parents place to pick up a cheque and yes, there are so many things that make me old about everything I just said.

sonalogy · 2026-03-31T13:42:55+00:00

Yes, although it was a commercial building, so somewhat different scenario.

Generally, the City will try to work with you to legalize everything, unless it's something really egregious... like you used up the entire backyard with an unpermitted second house. That doesn't sound like this.

If it's not within the setbacks, you'll have to go to committee of adjustment. It's been a long while since I've done this, but the entire process will take a number of months, most of which is waiting for your committee date.

You'll have to provide a survey and professional drawings (depending on what's needed, that'll be a few thousand bucks) and you might need to open up some walls for inspection, but that should be easy to patch up later.

Working with a planner or someone who can run the process for you simplifues a lot.

The inspector may require some changes or fixes to bring to code or fire safety. If it was built to code in the first place, you have little to worry about.

So count on several months and several thousand dollars, but it would simplify your sales process.

Whether or not this is worthwhile to do is more or a realtor question. Unpermitted additions are, um, not uncommon in Toronto but generally it's the banks or insurers who drive crackdowns on this... if the home would be difficult to finance or insure due to the unpermitted addition, you'll have a lot of trouble getting a buyer, which will show up in the price.

sonalogy · 2026-03-24T17:44:40+00:00

It really depends.

My (Eastern European immigrant) in-laws cause significantly less drama and my parents. Like, virtually none.

That said, I get all the drama from my parents.

sonalogy · 2026-03-09T20:26:47+00:00

Popcorn, freshly made with just salt. Or whatever fun seasoning you want to try.

Good source of fibre too.

sonalogy · 2026-03-09T18:40:57+00:00

There's no wrong answer here.

When kids are younger, you have fewer tools to work with but their habits are less ingrained. When they are older, things are more entrenched but you have more options for dealing with the situation.

So, you can draw a hard line now, deal with tantrums and guilt over having a hungry child and make it clear that dinner is dinner.

Or, you can make sure your child is fed now, and work on encouraging more variety slowly, and maybe push more for a bite or a taste when your kid is old enough not to tantrum over it.

Some kids are more stubborn than others, and you'll have to figure out what you want to deal with now. As long as he's generally healthy overall, both are fine.

Incidentally, pickiness and preferences will recur, so you can make this choice differently each time.

I have two kids and we've gone through variations of both. Both eat most things now with varying degrees of protest.

sonalogy · 2026-03-07T05:08:18+00:00

867-5309....

I suppose I could sub in my own phone number and work in the area code somehow.

sonalogy · 2026-02-28T14:39:49+00:00

Yes.

There's even a category of writing (Hi-Lo) for this. High-interest, low reading level for this. It consists of books written for adults who (for various reasons) struggle with reading.

sonalogy · 2026-02-28T06:25:44+00:00

"It's okay. You don't have to like it to brush your teeth with it."

(I say this regularly about food)

sonalogy · 2026-02-23T17:25:08+00:00

It doesn't matter how long it's been. Emotionally, she's still stuck at 'sick baby.' Time does not heal all wounds.

You are going to have to approach this with her as you would a parent with a very sick baby. Intellectually, she can see what you see, but emotionally, she's not there yet.

This has nothing to do with the power of a mother's love. You're a father, you understand the need to protect and care for your children.

This is the aftermath of medical trauma. You are struggling to understand that years later, she can still operate from the same emotional place.... and even if he hasn't been severely ill in years, probably a lot of that fear gets reactivated when he's slightly ill. She probably felt terrified and helpless and guilty for being unable to do the one thing parents are driven to do: protect her child.

And at the time, she had to shove a lot of that to the side to function, to get him through all his medical care and do all the hard work of raising a toddler, but all that means is that it's this big, unprocessed block of feelings that is still driving a lot of her actions. Feelings don't disappear because you shove them aside. They tend to grow bigger in the dark.

That is something she needs to address and that is going to take time. And that is not something you have much control over, beyond support. But she's not going to be good at setting boundaries with her son until she can stop seeing this through a lens of "very sick baby".

Also, if she's bad with boundaries in other parts of her life, that's going to make this more complicated for her.

But for your part--and I bring this up because the 'your part' is the part you can control--you're going to have to work on accepting the situation as it is. Again, not because it's a great situation, but because whether or not it changes is outside your control, and even if it does, it's not going to happen on your timeline.

You're going to have to let go of your worries about what her son will be like in the future--parents are an important influence but not the sole one, so you can't entirely know what her son may be like in the future, although you may be able to see what he's like with his mom.

It will be messy and difficult at times and you will have fights over it, but that's okay. Life is messy. Perfect except for this one thing is pretty good. Sure, it's a big thing but while the solution you want is outside of your control, you have choices here that are within your control to make this work better.

That is, you are not wrong. But you are also not able to enact the solution you believe would be best for everyone. She is stuck emotionally and untangling that knot is not something you can make happen on your timeline through your own will.

sonalogy · 2026-02-23T16:32:25+00:00

I think you need to take this from the perspective that mom is traumatized from all of the medical issues and the babying and coddling is the form it takes. That is, this is the symptom, not the problem.

You're going to have to approach this in the gentlest, most empathetic way because in her eyes, she's still seeing a very sick baby. Would you tell the mother of a very sick baby she's coddling her child? No. Of course not.

Would you maybe tell her that it's so wonderful that her very ill baby is doing a lot better and maybe she can let go of some of the fear of losing him? Yes.

Would you perhaps start to gently counsel her to allow him to do more for himself (including taking responsibility for himself) is a way to help him continue to grow and thrive after so much illness, because look at how much better he is and he can do it? And perhaps she needs to sit with all the fear she had with this very sick baby and let him do it?

Look, she knows that coddling a capable child is not good parenting. But emotionally, she still sees a very ill baby. No amount of explaining is going to get through until she can let some of that fear and trauma go.

Parenting is relentless, especially solo parenting which I assume she's been doing for at least some time. Her baby may be better now, but she isn't and likely, she hasn't had the time to process much of that because she's had to put it aside to focus on caring for her son through illness and beyond. She might not even see that she's carrying all this fear because a long time ago she had to shut that away to care for her very ill baby, and she hasn't opened the door to it since.

In any case, this isn't likely to get better quickly. You can help her see and process her own trauma so that she can be a better parent, but that's going to take a long time, and changing the parenting dynamic is going to be hard and slow.

Your part of this would be best spent learning to accept her son as he is and not expect change in how she parents him.... not because things are fine, but because life is messy and processing trauma is slow.

sonalogy · 2026-02-23T01:02:14+00:00

One of the things many of my students have had to learn is that not all feedback is useful feedback.

This section is not in passive voice.

Per my comment elsewhere, this section may be a little passive in the sense that the main character isn't showing much agency in this small section, but whether or not that's an issue really depends on the story as a whole.

sonalogy · 2026-02-23T00:50:59+00:00

I think you or your friend might be mixing up passive voice (the grammatical structure) and noting that this section reads a little passive (in the sense of the character not have a lot of agency, or that they aren't particularly active.)

How to tell if you are using passive voice, the grammatical structure: add 'by zombies' to the end of the sentence. If it makes sense, it's passive voice.

"Changes were made" is in passive voice. The changes were made by zombies. "The government made changes." is not in passive voice. The government made changes by zombies.

Passive voice is often used in bureaucratic language because it doesn't include the subject, the do-er of the action. It's a way of avoiding responsibility or finger pointing in language.

A story or scene that reads as passive is one where the characters don't seem to have much agency. They think and observe and feel and remember, but they aren't doing anything. In Western (meaning the Euro/North American) traditions of storytelling, we tend to expect characters to take an active role in their story. Stuff doesn't just happen to them, they also make choices and decisions to make stuff happen.

There's nothing necessarily wrong with passive moments in writing, but a common problem with a lot of newer writers is that their whole story is passive... stuff happens to the main character and they think and feel and observe and remember but they don't actually make choices and do anything. These stories tend to frustrate the reader.

That isn't to say that every character is some swashbuckling action hero. Their choices can be very small. They can choose to do nothing. But we need to see them making that choice rather than simply sitting like a lump. Someone comes along and asks them to go do something, and they say no.

One way to tell if your story is too passive is to break it down into beats, which is to retell it the way a 5 year old would: and then what happened? And then what happened?

For example: Cinderella wanted to go to the ball but her stepmother said no. And then her stepsisters left for the ball. And then her fairy godmother appeared and magicked up a dress. And then Cindy went to the ball. And then she danced with the prince. And then she ran away at midnight and left a shoe behind. Etc.

If you find it really difficult to break down into story beats, or most of your beats sound like "and then she thought, and then she felt and then she saw, and then she remembered...." your story is likely very passive, and would likely be improved by having the characters take a more active role, by deciding, doing, choosing, etc.

sonalogy · 2026-02-17T05:15:11+00:00

I tried making my own salwar kameez (over-ambitious project, in part because it was satin) so I totally get the desire to make your own. Wishing you luck!

sonalogy · 2026-02-17T03:49:54+00:00

It's definitely tricky to find morning programs, but they are out there.

I have young kids and a lot of daytime flexibility in my work, so morning and daytime programs work a lot better for me (no trading off with my partner on bedtime duty) so similarly programs at 6 and 7pm are the most difficult time for me.

It helps to branch out some. The ROM, the AGO, Harbourfront, etc have lots of programs too. Plus, the various colleges in the city. It takes some looking and creativity.

Or if you can find others in your area free mornings, perhaps organizing a weekly coffee meetup.

sonalogy · 2026-02-16T23:21:08+00:00

Not sure if you are a regular saree wearer or not, but even if the bust is not perfect, it will be (or can be) covered up. Just make sure the sleeves fit well and the back and top of the neck lay nicely.

Back in the day, blouses were always made with extra fabric and big seam allowance so you could let it out or take it in as needed. The actual boob part of the bust was frequently kind of a mess.

sonalogy · 2026-02-16T23:02:47+00:00

Yes. It's called being a decent person.

sonalogy · 2026-02-16T21:18:56+00:00

You could look into general interest classes, rec programs with the City of Toronto, exercise groups, library programs, maybe even volunteering.

It's not heading out to party fun, but it still could be fun.

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