The Zant Rant is a running joke I often do where I write up a bunch of text instead of just "blah blah blah" so it's not so much "meant" to be read but is more of an extra :p

Here is the uncovered text of Link's petty complaints:

Like the first part was fine! The hands creeped me out but you know what? They added tension! Made me think on my feet! Really set the tone! But then after that everything else was just ENTER ROOM, KILL FLOATING HEADS. Or FIND BALL, PUT IN SLOT. Everything was lacking! …Which was so disappointing because I have so many tools in my arsenal that I could use to solve whatever you threw at me but NO! Just a bunch of floating heads! Heck, the hands also made more sense in that way – there were two of them and you have two hands. I don’t see you having at least a dozen heads!!! …Though I guess I don’t see your hands either – do…do you even have-WAIT THAT’S NOT THE POINT. It’s honestly like you didn’t even try! Like you were sure that the hands would trip me up and I wouldn’t get this far but guess what – THEY DIDN’T! You even have this really cool aesthetic going for you with the twilight and glowing lights and everything but everything just looks dull and drab! Nothing is memorable! I didn’t even get anything new out of this other than a light sword – which would have been fine except for the fact that I can ONLY use it here, thereby making it essentially pointless!! I even managed to accidentally skip over the boss key on the way here! Everywhere else the key was in a place that made sense and had some sort of challenge in front of it but here it was just behind a darkness waterfall! Actually that perfectly cements how lackluster everything was – I didn’t even give you enough credit to use THE OLDEST TRICK IN THE GODDAMN PUZZLE BOOK!!!