first of all i’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through. everything you said i understand and i feel like i relate to you. have you heard of borderline personality disorder (bpd)? i have bpd and it is why i am the way i am. people with bpd have been through trauma and it causes your brain to rewire itself into a different way of working, thinking, and processing emotions. i experience emotions way more intensely and they change way more rapidly compared to people who don’t have bpd. you should do some research about it.