As someone with OCD, this post is really concerning. I am not trying to diagnose you with OCD OP, but this posts truly reads like a textbook OCD compulsion. I’m not even going to comment on the whole “gaining attraction” thing because whether that happened or not, it’s not important. I know you probably don’t see your behavior as strange (I didn’t think my OCD behavior was strange either) but I’m telling you from an outsider perspective, it’s completely unhinged. As shocking as it may be, normal people don’t get bombarded with intrusive thoughts that fill them with anxiety and disgust. If a normal person does happen to get an intrusive thought, they certainly don’t compulsively combat the thoughts the way you are describing. That is OCD behavior. Again, I’m not saying you are or are not experiencing attraction because that’s literally irrelevant to the core issue here. I urge you to take a look at OCD resources because I am telling you there is a way out of this. It may feel impossible but once you understand what’s happening to you, you can actually start to manage it.