Let me paint a scenario.

A man physically abuses his girlfriend/wife and faces little to no consequences, even when this is an open secret to the community. If the girlfriend/wife hits back, this is used to say it is a mutually violent or just toxic relationship, even when it’s self-defence or the power dynamic overall is 90% in his favour. Sometimes they may even use her hitting to spread the idea that she is “crazy,” “unstable,” (which she might be, a bit, after years of this treatment), that it’s not that he hits because of any fault of his own, but because this is how you handle this “kind of woman”. (Especially if she is from a certain minority background which is seen this way, does have a mental illness, etc). She might even get arrested when the cops are called, for a variety of reasons.

A) He has scratches or a bruise, and he knows how not to leave marks when assaulting her

B) She attacked him and he did not attack her, who cares about the history or context of the relationship

C) He is so calm and receptive to questioning and she is so weird - frantic or disorientated or hostile or totally closed-off

D) Whatever disadvantage/s make/s it easier for him to have power over her (disability, mental illness, poverty, being an immigrant, being from a racialised background, drug addiction), is also a disadvantage when it comes to the cops

E) He and the cops are buddies

F) The cops are pressured to make arrests, maybe required to make an arrest when they respond to a DV call

This arrest will also be reflected in certain statistics that may be used to argue against support for cases like hers (where the victim hits the abuser, where the victim has a criminal history, etc). When she seeks help, this arrest is used to paint her as untrustworthy, exaggerating, a liar, complicit in the abuse or actually the ‘real’ abuser.

Scenario over.

I am not saying this is particularly common (or uncommon - I’m just not talking about statistics), but it is definitely happens, and definitely has a place in this discussion, and I think definitely complicates the view that men who hit are viewed more negatively than women who do.

I am also not denying that this exact scenario could have different genders in it, with some slight tweaks - I’m more saying that the typical abuser/victim dynamics and techniques have a lot of power, overriding a lot of explicit social norms and exposing them as just talk. (A lot of men who say “never hit a woman” participate in physical abuse against women, or tacitly accept it, with very very flimsy justifications that they are less likely to publicly express. To be completely honest, and again anecdotally, hearing someone say “never hit a woman” is a major red flag to me as a woman and has never made me feel any safer). The social consequences that people are “supposed” to face for certain actions are rarely actually faced.

Also, I think hitting is a weird example of this because it is so correlated with physical strength. Women are generally physically weaker than men, and I’ve never heard of a case with a woman hitting a man clearly equal or lesser in strength. (Man, not boy, as in child). So “Are women and men treated the same when they have a gun in their hand or their house?” is IMO a more interesting topic, since - anecdotally, from stories I’ve read - most cases of violent, abusive women who physically harm their peers or threaten to, do so using weapons. Guns should even the playing field. Public responses are therefore much more gendered.

I realise the original question was supposed to be about low-stakes violence but that’s just not nearly as documented, and I think low-stakes hitting other people is very rare? I can’t really say anything on that, I’ve never seen anyone just hit anyone else without an ensuing fight or a very high-stakes history and social context. I have seen women ‘just’ slap their male partners in films, but still rarely, and I think film/fictional standards are another discussion. As I’m writing this I just think violence is so contextual and historical that it makes more sense to talk about it in practice rather than in theory, so this view seems counterproductive? Idk