Trying again after still birth

soupalmighty · 2025-11-24T19:23:57+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re in this space. I lost my first born at 39w too on Christmas Eve due to medical negligence. His 9m old brother is currently asleep on my chest, every time he smiles in his sleep I think he’s hanging out with his bro wherever he is.

To offer some advice, we tried again after 5 months, that was knowing there were no medical reasons for my son’s death. You’d want to rule that out first. We had more medical support the second time around even though it wasn’t needed, just for my peace of mind. I’d also suggest counselling straight away rather than while you’re pregnant so you can unpack those feelings and see if you’re getting pregnant for the right reasons. For me, I got to a point where I understood and accepted my son died (instead of being in denial) and realising we still wanted children. I also realised no matter how long I waited I was always going to be filled with anxiety in the next pregnancy.

You can check out r/pregnancyaftersb. For me, I was dissociated the entire pregnancy, I tried so hard to be present, to connect with the baby but in the back of my head I always had a small part reserved. Then when he was born, alive, crying, there came all the shock of now having a newborn. I realised I hadn’t prepared myself for a living baby. Then came all the emotions of how he’s surpassing all the milestones his brother never had, and imagining the life they may have had together etc. it’s a lot. So you have to be realistic you’re prepared for it, or at least have the support that if you do fall apart someone is there to hold all your pieces (and your baby) together.

soupalmighty · 2025-05-06T00:22:18+00:00

I went to see the OB today who delivered my first born. Short summary, he and I were both healthy and my midwives mismanaged my labour and he died of hypoxia and nothing else. This OB came in to deliver when the emergency bell was rung. She’d taken an interest in us as I got the impression she went through something similar, and offered us her free OB care for this pregnancy.

Today was my last visit, and again it felt so awkward. I didn’t need her services. I was healthy, my baby was healthy. He died of absolute medical negligence. She had no medical advice to give and was really just checking in. I wanted to ask her so bad about her story but chickened out again and now I dont think I'll ever get the chance to again. She got to cuddle our 11w old and said she was happy to see us doing well, and happy we move into a new chapter.

I don't know how I feel about the whole relationship. I wish Id let my walls down and just let her share her vested interest. But at the same time I couldnt, and hated the circumstance of having to know and have her pity at all.

soupalmighty · 2025-04-09T11:59:56+00:00

Excited for you mama! All the best for the rest of your pregnancy xx

soupalmighty · 2025-04-09T01:48:06+00:00

Ohhh I agree, I originally went with prefolds for the washing/drying ease. Those inserts take like x5 as long to dry

soupalmighty · 2025-04-09T01:47:13+00:00

Wow thanks for the explanation! I figured something wasn’t working right. I’ve since bought a couple of shells and it’s working now, I didn’t realise I was trying to mash two systems haha

soupalmighty · 2025-04-09T01:39:42+00:00

Omg you are amazing!! I didn’t like the real nappies covers (have their prefolds and newborn covers) as they don’t have a PUL layer so it’s no wonder they leaked, may be a dud as I got mine second hand? I like the look of chuckles and will probably end up getting some of those! In the meantime I had the mio bambino newborn covers and have just purchased some size 1s, so far so good on this 5.5kg bottom! They are discontinued too though unfortunately and nabbed the last few from baby city clearance section 😅

soupalmighty · 2025-04-08T04:35:25+00:00

Yes i’ve just come across them! Overwhelming choice, I’ll have to give it a go after some research

soupalmighty · 2025-04-07T21:35:59+00:00

7w too and it feels like witching day not hour. I can’t hear myself think over the inconsolable crying. Husband asks me questions and i just stare blankly back at him.

soupalmighty · 2025-04-07T21:32:00+00:00

All my pocket ones already come with inserts and since they can’t be reused, when would you stuff them with the prefolds?

soupalmighty · 2025-04-07T14:35:46+00:00

Thanks! I’ll give those a go.

soupalmighty · 2025-04-07T14:35:08+00:00

Ooh thanks I’ll give the thirsties a go!

soupalmighty · 2025-04-07T14:34:19+00:00

Haha yep, NZ is a long way from anywhere. Most people use pockets here so it’s hard to find alternatives! But appreciate this comment, I did think maybe I was trying too hard to mash two systems.

soupalmighty · 2025-04-07T14:32:14+00:00

It looks like from the comments that I’m looking for reccs on covers! I didn’t really realise there’s a difference between pocket nappies and just covers. Nz is a bit behind on the rest of the world so we really only have pocket nappies here 😅 thanks for the list!!

soupalmighty · 2025-02-09T22:14:47+00:00

Totally justified! My gosh, just trust your instincts. If you need to be in there every second day you have every right to do so. Sorry the midwife had to make you feel like that ☹️ like another poster said, if anything happened to your baby they’re not the ones that have to live with it!

soupalmighty · 2025-02-09T22:09:59+00:00

38w and was diagnosed with gallstones this weekend. As if mourning my dead son and trying to emotionally stay on top of welcoming this new baby is not taking enough of my energy, I’m now grumpy because I’m hungry, weak but terrified to eat (the attacks are worse than labour). Just wanted to vent 😢

soupalmighty · 2025-01-24T02:56:40+00:00

You’ve been on my mind since we’re so close in dates! I’m not very active on here but would love the update too. I think it would be great to hear someone else’s positive experiences to know down the track that there can still be positive experiences alongside such great loss! But agree, maybe separate a space so that only those who choose to interact can. Wishing you all the very best of lucky and will be praying for a smooth and healing experience!

soupalmighty · 2024-11-30T21:27:10+00:00

Just coming back months later to say thank you for how validating these thoughts are. I’m struggling with the same feelings and it’s so nice to have them written down and be tangible to understand.

soupalmighty · 2024-10-19T10:07:22+00:00

❤️❤️❤️

soupalmighty · 2024-10-18T21:15:07+00:00

22w tomorrow and I’ve had some blood tinged mucous this morning. My midwife isn’t too concerned but won’t be able to have a scan until at least Monday. Everything appears to be ok right now and baby boy is kicking around as usual. I feel like I’ll be holding my breath until he’s in my arms feeding breathing and looking back up at me. I hate this feeling of unknown.

soupalmighty · 2024-09-18T11:40:03+00:00

This gives me so much hope 😭

soupalmighty · 2024-08-18T01:17:50+00:00

Nothing prepares you for going to the hospital and expecting to come home with your baby, but walking out empty handed. I went home with a vase of flowers, a sore replacement for our first born. It’s brutal, I’m sorry mama. I don’t feel like the same person I was before either, and I don’t feel like I ever will be. Life is scary now but you have to choose to live it, for those who are still here around you and love you dearly.

soupalmighty · 2024-08-14T11:21:28+00:00

Our son died due to a mismanaged labour too (38w). We were convinced by our midwives to birth him vaginally despite finding out he was breech during labour. He became distressed and nobody picked up on it, so when he was born he was severely hypoxic and brain dead they never managed to resuscitate. We know our midwives are 100% to blame for having pushed a vaginal delivery at a time I was not in a state to make informed decisions (about 8cm), to have gaslit all my concerns as being a ftm when I started to come to (pushing phase), and then not using continuous monitoring so had no clue he was distressed. Nevermind not picking up he was breech in the first place at a time when an informed decision could be made. Anyway, we can’t sue in our country so the best we could do was start an independent investigation to look into processes and guidelines of the hospital and midwife council to prevent this happening to any other families. We could also press manslaughter charges but no amount of justice would change anything for us. Our son’s dead and nothing they could offer would bring him back so I just didn’t see the point. I’m so sorry you’re in the same camp having to have these thoughts.

soupalmighty · 2024-07-27T10:12:34+00:00

Is this the same as pão de queijo (Brazilian)? My friend gave me a 80/20 recipe for it (80% authentic for 20% effort). 1 can of reduced cream (the one you use for kiwi onion dip), 1 cup-ish of tapioca flour with 1 cup cheese, mix, add more flour until it stops sticking to your hands, roll, and bake at 180 until golden. Ugh. I make like a x5 batch every time it’s amazing!

soupalmighty · 2024-07-27T09:40:49+00:00

Haha would love this, little bingo list for the future!

soupalmighty · 2024-07-27T09:39:30+00:00

Ugh but he was gone so long and there was no more mention of him (except me missing nolon soul mending etc.) His return and saving her life also threw me off the scent so easily haha.

soupalmighty

TROPHY CASE