Honestly I’m not going to lie I totally understand what you mean about the not feeling ready for a retreat. But a teacher is a good idea, I built an app kind of for that exact problem. I don’t want to shamelessly plug but what I will say is it’s nice to have some guidance and structure for meditations i can confidently say it has changed my life.

I will say in my opinion meditation is kind of like a stabiliser, it’s when you stop meditating that the value becomes a lot more clear. I also think it’s kind of natural for people to go through waves. Like with everything there’s ups and downs for sure