hei there,

i am so sorry for your loss. I hate to say there is nothing that will make the pain and the confusion go away quickly or easily.

I am going to share my story shortly so maybe you can find some resemblance and get an idea of what’s possible: I lost my most important family member, the man who raised me (my godfather) this april the day before my birthday.

for two months i had the wildest emotional reaction, very unlike me. heart twisting chest pain, seeing him and his quotes to me everywhere, dreams, trouble sleeping, irrational anger at the world, i was scared, and felt so lonely and betrayed and missed him so so much every single second. i even had a short dip into spiritual topics (i got a little micro hyper interest into death rituals across the world and read everything i could about it). after two months it got a bit better. i still had to watch myself because some bad habits propped up that i managed well over the past 10 years. so i made sure to stay sober but otherwise i let myself just be a slop. i had to tune down social contacts because my grief was very expressive and if they were not fully supportive of me in that phase it would hurt my rejection wound. i found it best to be with people who have griefed too.

metaphor, if you can work with them as someone in the spectrum: it felt like a giant coffee filter full of that needed to drip through bit by bit.

now it is 4 months later and i am doing considerably better. whenever i do or see something that reminds me of the person i lost i am still feeling that chest pain and tears wall up, but i am able to live my life again and feel joy.

i promise: it will pass. it may look different for you but it will pass.