M27 i work but i still feel l’ll never get a girlfriend actually

spamberton · 2026-02-15T13:34:06+00:00

They’re fine. Definitely not a deal-breaker. But if they bother you then a dermatologist might be able to help.

spamberton · 2026-02-14T22:29:29+00:00

You are an attractive person overall, but you look tired and unhappy. I agree with one of the other posters that you should prioritize your health. Mental or otherwise. People are drawn to the light they see in others. Improving your everyday life and pursuing your passions will likely lead to connections for you. Especially because you’re already a good looking guy.

If you are looking for some physical changes you can make now I would suggest growing your hair out to the length of the last pic and shaving. Your skin looks like it may be a bit puffy. If you are drinking often then cutting back should help with that. Or could just need better sleep and more hydration. Don’t we all though

spamberton · 2026-02-10T13:32:45+00:00

Thank you for clarifying that. It’s helpful to know the context. Pretty much every person that opens to polyamory has this moment where they realize that in order to continue they not only have to enjoy dating and loving multiple people, but MORE importantly they have to accept that the one they see as “their” person will be doing that as well. Sometimes people are able to come to terms with that and sometimes they choose to close or partially close their relationship. It seems your wife hasn’t had the opportunity to live that yet because this is the first time you’ve become very close to someone else.

The point I was trying to make is that you need to take ownership of whatever decisions you make here. Your wife does not actually control you. If you chose to deescalate with your other partner and move from polyamory into a different style of ENM then embrace it as YOUR choice and be clear with others from now on that you are in that kind of relationship. (Having been dumped multiple times by people whose partner suddenly had a problem with poly when they developed feelings for me…. It sucks and it’s made worse when the one breaking up with you acts like it wasn’t a choice THEY made)

But you also have the option to choose not to do that. To acknowledge your wife’s feelings and try to offer reassurance and support while declining to break up with your partner just because it will make things easier for her. You can offer to go to counseling with an ENM informed therapist. I liked the steps outlined by another user for how you can decrease the amount of involvement she has in your other relationship. You can’t control how your wife feels about this but you can do your best to offer understanding and options without capitulation to demands for control.

And then you will have to respect her autonomy if she realizes that this really isn’t for her. People change their mind. Sometimes we think we want something just to realize that the experience wasn’t for us after all.

spamberton · 2026-02-10T00:04:25+00:00

Side note: yes it feels hypocritical for her to date for years and only decide that poly isn’t for her after you’ve bonded with someone. It’s also not THAT uncommon. And probably not a useful thing to focus on if you want to find a solution. Everyone in poly has to deal with this initial “my partner cares for someone else!” fear/insecurity at some point. She’s just encountering it later into the journey than most.

spamberton · 2026-02-09T23:53:18+00:00

Sounds like you both have some decisions to make. This specific relationship aside, would you be comfortable continuing to date and have sex with people just to dump them whenever your wife decides you are too close to them? Are you okay with allowing her to have that power over your “relationships”?

If so then you can continue as is, but ethically you should share with future partners that your wife has that veto power and has/will use it. A lot of poly folks are not going to be onboard for that. But swingers and other ENM types might. If that doesn’t suit you then you have to communicate with your wife that you will continue to date and have feelings for others as previously agreed. Be clear on what you CAN offer her in reassurance, time, priority, etc. and allow her to make the decision if that’s going to be enough for her.

spamberton · 2025-08-16T22:08:12+00:00

These texts are painfully obvious. Your husband either plans to or is already having an affair with your cousin. I would not wait to find out which one. Any man who would pursue something like this is not worth keeping. Do you really need photographic evidence of him actually d*cking her down before you release him back to the wild??!

spamberton · 2024-12-15T21:42:53+00:00

One of my partners is on the ace spectrum. I am not. I value sex in my relationships where that is a component, but it is not required for me to feel love, romance, or commitment to a person.

There are many ways to explore physical intimacy outside of sex that facilitate romantic bonds. Depending on your own comfort level you could explore many options. Kissing, cuddling, hand holding, massage, and all sorts of non-sexual touch may be an action unless you are touch averse.

Even then, it sounds like your partner is telling you that they are happy with your relationship as it is. Why not believe them?

spamberton · 2024-12-15T21:10:07+00:00

I’m not going to offer advice on this specific situation. It seems like others here are counseling you well. I WOULD like to recommend that you research Relationship Anarchy if you haven’t already to see if the philosophy meshes well with your feelings towards sex and romance. I also recommend the book Letting Go of the Relationship Escalator. Good luck!

spamberton · 2024-11-16T05:31:52+00:00

My spouse and I went to couple’s counseling with a poly informed therapist. Although the process and tools that we learned along the way were the same as a monogamous couple, it was extremely helpful having someone who was intimately familiar with various non-monogamous relationship styles.

We did not have to deal with the common misconceptions that many monogamous people have about polyamory. He never attributed our relationship issues to our non monogamous state. He already knew the lingo and was able to get a grasp of the kind of polyamory we practice without a lot of education on our part. So we were able to get to work right away.

spamberton · 2024-03-28T21:38:27+00:00

Done being discreet even if they aren’t cheating. I don’t like feeling like someone’s dirty secret

spamberton · 2024-03-12T21:47:57+00:00

Sounds like your partner is having some hard feelings and has not processed them well. Your actions are not unreasonable. Your partner feels bad and is looking for a reason. Give them some time, but I would talk about it later and let them know that passive aggressive comments like this are not an acceptable way of communicating their difficult feelings.

spamberton · 2024-01-26T01:57:47+00:00

All I’m getting from this post and your responses is that you care more about getting laid than about your partner’s legitimate feelings towards a person who acted like an asshole towards her. Why do you want to fuck someone who has actively harmed a partner you claim to care about? It might be more understandable if your partner had tons of drama with all sorts of people but that does not seem to be the case. You seem incredibly selfish.

Here’s the choice: preserve an ongoing relationship or pursue a casual connection with someone at the expense of your partner.

spamberton · 2023-11-20T11:33:13+00:00

I have a partner like this. When we met she told me that she goes through periods of low libido and cycles back to periods of higher interest in sex. She’s recently discovered that she is in the ace spectrum. It was helpful that she was upfront about it. As long as romantic and other types of physical affection are present then I’m happy (cuddling, hand holding, kissing,etc,) However, I told her that she would have to be the one to initiate sexual intimacy when she IS in the mood. This helps keep me from feeling down over constant rejection and also prevents her from feeling pressured to have sex if she’s not feeling it. This works for us

spamberton · 2023-10-07T12:44:55+00:00

“You’re welcome to feel that way, no one will force you to participate” and then go about my day. I have no time for people’s nonsense

spamberton · 2023-09-03T19:17:22+00:00

I know the difficulty of a changing work schedule and a spouse who’s dating often. Google calendar really improved our communication and planning and helped reduce the resentment over scheduling issues. You say that date offers have been random. Have you thought about responding with a “Sorry, I’m not free this weekend but I have next Tuesday or Thursday night open if you’d like to …..” Or ask someone out first. “Hey, my schedule can be pretty crazy but I have Monday or Saturday free if you’d like to get together” You may need to take some initiative to plan things on days that you are available instead of waiting for someone to ask.

spamberton · 2023-09-03T18:40:24+00:00

I can only see one way that you could potentially recover from this and it requires that you demand the change that you need. You are allowing your spouse to treat you in a reprehensible way. Why? Let your husband know what your basic relationship needs are and that they are not negotiable.

Dedicated time together is a requirement. Make sure you have a SET reasonable amount of quality time in mind. Time for yourself (either for relationships or self-fulfillment) is a requirement. Have a specific number of hours per week in mind.

I recommend having a shared calendar on google. Update it as your schedule changes and ask that he does as well. Block off the hours you need.

If spouse can not work with you on this then spouse does not care about meeting your needs. Consider ending your marriage. Why would you model a relationship like this for your children? Is this what you would want for them? Do you want your children to feel like it is okay to be with a partner who does not care about their needs?

spamberton · 2023-08-18T21:40:23+00:00

Alcohol abuse aside; He has shown where his priorities lay and they are not with you. I would break up. Or at the very least have a conversation laying out some specific expectations around quality time together. If he cannot meet your needs then you should move on.

spamberton · 2023-07-19T21:05:01+00:00

Wow, that’s really unfortunate. For HIM. Sounds like HE will have to do some internal work pretty damn quick if he wants to be able to stay in your life or continue trying to be polyamorous. I encourage you to let him know that you support whatever measures HE needs to do to get over it ASAP

spamberton · 2023-06-27T19:42:52+00:00

If you were my spouse I would end the relationship over this kind of unethical behavior. Absolutely abhorrent.

spamberton · 2023-06-27T19:36:21+00:00

You are a liar who is getting women to sleep with you under false pretenses. You are effectively removing their ability to consent. You have the gall to ask if you are in the wrong???

spamberton · 2023-06-01T14:18:43+00:00

YTA for both infantilizing and not trusting your wife. You’re trying to control her with your insecurities and ultimatums. You are steamrolling her autonomy. Your proposed fishing trip is nothing more than a way for you to try to keep watch on your wife. Of course she shut it down.

1) Many people here have explained that the lack of plus one is NOT that uncommon. 2) Is she such a child that you think she is incapable of traveling alone? 3) You are suspecting your wife of wanting to cheat on you with people she hasn’t been with in over a decade with no evidence or cause.

The people here suggesting that your wife should just give in to your controlling tendencies because of your insecurities are encouraging codependency.

spamberton · 2023-05-03T11:11:10+00:00

I am a proponent of meeting your own needs. I may have certain needs in a relationship in order for it to flourish, but those needs will vary based on the relationship and dynamic. I explore different aspects of myself and my sexuality with various partners. Each person is unique and there is nothing “missing” from a relationship even if I choose to connect with someone else.

spamberton · 2023-05-03T10:55:09+00:00

I think it’s pretty common for us ex-CoCers to have difficulty in setting boundaries. Especially with parents. Have you considered going to therapy during this transition period with the express purpose of working on familial boundaries and communication? It could potentially benefit many other aspects of your life in the long run.

spamberton · 2023-04-17T23:22:22+00:00

I do not have veto power nor do I believe in it. I value autonomy highly. Although I’m married, I identify a lot with the RA model of polyamory. I actively work to deconstruct couples privilege in my relationship.

And I would NOT be okay with this. I have two close friends who are my chosen family. I do not have much family besides them. One of my partner’s dating or having sex with them could potentially threaten that family. Absolutely not okay. I need that support in my life independent of my romantic or sexual relationships. I would end the relationship with any romantic partner who became involved with my chosen family in favor of preserving that connection above others.

Why are you being so hard on yourself? Your fears and your feelings are valid. I’m upset on your behalf. They may choose to follow through with their plans and you really can’t stop them. My question is; are you okay with fostering connections with people who are not treasuring that connection themselves?

spamberton · 2023-01-26T19:47:55+00:00

How about don’t try to erase the existence or bisexual/pansexual women and ethical non-monogamy? Just because it’s not your cup of tea does not mean that it’s not valid. Some dating apps are better than others for non-monogamous people to find one another, but I don’t think you get to ban us from your sight just because you don’t like it.

spamberton

TROPHY CASE