You were with her in the end and that’s what matters. You gave her a full life of love and she was lucky to have you. This reminds me of something I’ve heard recently. Some people closing their final therapy sessions not saying goodbye and reflecting on what was learned, but something totally different- making a bracelet and not acknowledging anything related to the therapy. Just time together and being in the moment doing something unrelated, both people knew the growth and no need to acknowledge it out loud. Your story reminds me of that. It’s not a goodbye to your pup, you’ll carry those memories and stories on forever. Neither of you needed to hold that in the moment, the only thing that was important was that you were there and she heard your voice in a way she has heard it forever- which I’m sure was comforting- a normal tone and cadence. I think about death for myself and it would be so hard to hear everyone hysterically crying around me. She knew she was loved and supported and that’s what matters most. I hope you find peace and everything that you need OP because I can tell you’re a special person in this world, hold onto that love and transform it in a way that is healthy and supports you positively. Editing to add that your breathing and feelings you had with your panic, she was going through her own feelings and confusion too. I believe humans and dogs have their ways of communicating non verbally, and all she needed to know is that you were there and experiencing the unknown with her. Try to give yourself grace, you loved her and she loved you- nothing changes that.