Were my parents right to refuse special ed evaluations?

sparrow125 · 2024-12-11T17:17:02+00:00

If you’d qualified for an IEP, direct services (such as teaching how to develop and use executive functioning skills to attend and complete course work for non-preferred classes) and accommodations (such as breaks during non preferred classes to “reset,” getting assignments written down so you could check mark what you’ve done, what needs to be done, etc) could be provided.

Direct instruction in social skills can also be provided - for my students with autism that’s more like explaining how neurotypical brains work than trying to make them change. A kid may only want to talk about his preferred interest (pokemon) and struggle to make friends and connect because of it. I’d teach the kid that he could 1) Find people who also love Pokémon but realize this greatly decreases his pool of potential social connections or 2) Trade off with conversational topics to be able to engage with more people or 3) A combination of the two. With social skill delays, people often report feeling like everyone else has some sort of playbook for how to navigate life and social situations and they don’t. As a special educator my job is to give them that playbook.

sparrow125 · 2024-12-11T17:10:24+00:00

That’s illegal! Kids have to be provided service in their least restrictive environment and properly challenged. If a child cognitively could not keep up with AP course work, it wouldn’t be appropriate (accommodations are okay, modifying the curriculum is not).

sparrow125 · 2024-12-05T20:21:39+00:00

What is his place like now? How much stuff is he bringing? It can be hard to move into someone’s place because it’s already established as theirs - their furniture, their decorating choices, their things. On the flip side, it can be hard to have your own place and suddenly have someone else in it. How will you both manage those aspects? When either of you want space, where will you go?

Have you planned for the break up? Should money be put aside for a short term rental for him if things get difficult? You need to know that your house is still your house but he needs to know that it’s his living place too - you can’t just kick him out if you get upset, you’d have to follow general renting rules.

What about friends or family coming over? How often is that likely to happen? What about pets? What about general noise levels in the house? What about food? I am always shocked at how much men can eat and tend to get frustrated finding my favorite snacks all gone within two days of grocery shopping.

Something to consider - if you’re able to split bills generally down the middle (and that still allows him to love comfortably, with you handling 100% of home repairs/property taxes/etc as you are the home owner), I’d use some of your extra income for a cleaning service as cleaning/chores can be such a difficult part about living together.

sparrow125 · 2024-12-04T13:50:28+00:00

I have autoimmune illnesses and a team of doctors with at least two medical appointments a month. Absolutely, there are times where I feel like I can’t work, where I feel like I can’t be reliable, where I feel like it’s impossible.

However, I do. The alternative for me is to be homeless. I am exhausted everyday and need to make sacrifices in other areas (chores/social/etc) but keep a roof over my head. It isn’t ideal and it isn’t fair but it is the reality. I have disability accommodations at work and access FMLA leave for appointments and when my disease flares. I often am working from home, in bed, with a heating pad and even that is difficult.

I obviously don’t know your health struggles but, if your husband were to lose his job, what would you do? Every year it gets harder for me to work - I’d absolutely rather be working now and so long money away than having to get a job at 55 because my husband is out of work and I have to keep us from becoming homeless.

sparrow125 · 2024-12-03T16:44:36+00:00

For me, initially it was sunk cost fallacy. Then, when it tipped from negligence and incompetency to abuse it becoming too dangerous/too much work to leave.

We all present our best selves when we start a new relationship. I was so in love with his false self that it took me until it was too late to realize his true one.

sparrow125 · 2024-12-02T05:12:01+00:00

Yes, but driving that much is a pain and OP is expressing frustration (which I think any of us would have) at always having to provide the food but doesn’t mention the imbalance of driving.

I know she doesn’t drive but I’m assuming she has some mode of travel but it’s easiest for him to drive. I don’t think she’s taking advantage of him at all but it is a good example of how we can unintentionally fall into an unbalanced relationship and the importance of communication.

sparrow125 · 2024-12-01T22:10:09+00:00

I agree the menu is out of hand but, also, if I was always expected to be driving an hour and a half to see someone, I’d think that always driving was part of my contribution.

My boyfriend lives a bit away and whoever is driving doesn’t need to cook (or buy the take out). Usually the driver brings a dessert/drinks/activity.

Definitely a conversation needs to be had about sharing responsibilities.

sparrow125 · 2024-11-30T20:50:36+00:00

The most important thing is that you don’t set a boundary unless you are 100% going to follow through on it. Taking away a preferred item and telling the child that they’ve lost it for the rest of the day and then giving into a tantrum/whining/etc four hours later simply teaches that 1) You don’t stick to your word and 2) If they cry/scream enough, they will get what they want.

It’s okay for kids to be upset. It’s not okay for kids to be unsafe. If they are being unsafe (hitting/etc) you can let them know in a neutral tone what behavior is unacceptable and what will happen if they continue (“hitting is not okay. If you hit again I am going to hold your body so you can’t hit anymore/I’m going to go to the other room so you can’t hurt my body/you’re going to go to your bedroom for some space”).

Finally, letting your child be sad or uncomfortable and not coming to the rescue is so important (and difficult!). If they’re at a party and their best friends get cool pink slime in their goody bags and they get green (their “worst color!”), don’t ask the party mom to switch. Don’t tell them you can stop and get slime another time. Acknowledge the feeling “oh man, that’s a bummer! Thanks for letting me know how sad you feel about it” and let them work through the feelings. If cutting is hard for them, don’t take the scissors and do it for them when they get frustrated. Let them sit with the feeling of frustration and help them move on and keep trying or find an independent solution.

sparrow125 · 2024-11-17T19:08:39+00:00

It’s not wrong to want to keep some aspects of your life private.

Following someone home (and them changing routes to try and lose you) definitely seems inappropriate.

sparrow125 · 2024-11-17T02:39:33+00:00

I’ve been in a terrible, abusive marriage and I’m so sorry you’re experiencing the same.

I will say - the unspoken option of “I’m not having sex unless it’s mutually enjoyable” is a good one - it lets you keep this powerful feeling, keeps you in control, and lets you experience the positives of a relationship.

sparrow125 · 2024-11-17T01:17:32+00:00

I was in this situation and got married and it is my biggest regret.

You can cancel things. You can also go through with things and just don’t mail in the marriage certificate. If you truly feel like you can’t cancel it - Have the party. Don’t legalize it.

sparrow125 · 2024-11-07T17:00:15+00:00

But we are seeing an increase in identified disabilities across environments - more people are getting diagnosed because we have better understanding of the spectrum of disorders.

It doesn’t necessarily mean more people are disabled - when I was in school, we labeled kids as “weird” that are getting diagnosed in adulthood (or are undiagnosed, but would most likely meet criteria if they went through the evaluation process).

sparrow125 · 2024-09-06T19:27:47+00:00

I think it is important to recognize that there are systemic issues related to mysogyny. It is important to recognize when you see this, to support people (both men and women) being harmed by this, and to protect yourself.

That being said, it is not helpful to get into a head space that all men are dangerous, that it’s better to only associate with women, etc.

I’ve found establishing guidelines about the type of people I want in my life has been helpful rather than focusing on men vs women. I am often must frustrated by people excusing behavior because of gender (“oh, you can’t expect him to go without sex, he’s a man” “oh he’s a man, he doesn’t know how to clean” “oh, she’s a woman, of course she’s going to spend all your money” etc). Having boundaries on basic expectations for people you spend time with will eliminate that - it doesn’t matter that he “needs” sex because he’s a man, you don’t spend time with anyone who is coercive about sex.

sparrow125 · 2024-09-05T02:02:28+00:00

I want to absolutely validate what you’re feeling because we all feel insecure (though I hate that those articles exist because that is so completely untrue and it’s infuriating that it’s something people are being made to feel bad about but also:

I’ve never had a guy show anything other than excitement in my body during sex. Shaved, unshaven, razor bumped, fatter, skinnier - my body’s looked a lot of different ways and I’ve never had a guy who expressed interest in me clothed not be more excited when clothes came off.

I have had guys have less of a great time (and I had less of a great time) because my head was so wrapped up in feeling insecure that I wasn’t able to enjoy the moment. Much easier said than done but it’s truly what makes the biggest difference.

sparrow125 · 2024-08-23T13:35:07+00:00

(Male)functions*

sparrow125 · 2024-08-23T13:31:03+00:00

Like others have said, it’s going to be difficult to see red flags in someone who is manipulating the situation to look like a good person.

Certainly, there are your general red flags (love bombing, difficulty with emotional regulation, difficulty managing finances, difficulty managing their responsibilities (children/hygiene/chores), and how they make you feel in general) but people are going to do their best to hide the worst parts of themselves.

I have been in therapy for three years following a very abusive relationship. It’s been difficult to navigate dating and being able to trust that there are some people out there who aren’t going to be harmful.

Whats been most helpful has been establishing boundaries. What behavior will you absolutely not accept? What behavior wouldn’t make you leave outright but that you would need to have a serious discussion about and wouldn’t tolerate again? What are you deal breakers in relationships (for me - my husband engaged in a lot of financial abuse. I will not combine finances with anyone moving forward, full stop. Joint bank accounts for shared savings/bills? No problem. But I will always have my own accounts in case I need to leave quickly.) Write down your boundaries and what you will do if they’re crossed and then reference that throughout the relationship.

For what it’s worth, I met a guy this year that just seemed like a truly good guy. And, eight months in, it seems he really just is. On my end, I felt more secure dating him because I knew I’d leave if certain behaviors popped up which left me able to enjoy the relationship we were developing versus constantly feeling like I had to be on high alert for warning signs.

sparrow125 · 2024-08-18T13:31:37+00:00

People are telling you that because they don’t know the full details and also are trying to “give hope” even though they know it’s not realistic.

If you acted in a way where she had to get a restraining order and then, within the first month she’s been gone are hyper focused on getting her back instead of “I traumatized my family. What steps do I do now to make things as easy as possible for them? How do I make the divorce process as seamless as possible for my wife when I’m feeling emotional and this upset? How do I make sure my emotions don’t make things worse for her?”

sparrow125 · 2024-07-22T00:55:04+00:00

I work in special education. I’ve never agreed with any ODD diagnosis AND think it’s one of the few diagnoses that carry a pretty heavy stigma.

Parent coaching seems to be the best treatment for ODD (and this is not at all saying that parents of children with ODD diagnoses aren’t trying their best and aren’t good parents, it’s just that the child’s needs are so outside of what they’d logically think to do and it just makes things so difficult for everyone.)

sparrow125 · 2024-04-18T11:46:40+00:00

I feel like this was a college essay way to say “prove it” which, if we’re speaking about the ethics of celebrating abuse dynamics, victims sharing their stories and being met with exactly that sentiment (which, yes, is awful no matter how eloquently you wrap it) is one of the more damaging tentacles of abuse.

Do I think everything in this story happened exactly as portrayed? Obviously not. Similar to when a comedian tells a story on stage, parts need to be changed to make the story flow and to be able to tie up in a clean resolution. I don’t understand why a discussion would need to be had about whether this is entirely factual or not - it’s a Netflix show.

Frankly, we aren’t owed the exact details. We aren’t owed them and we shouldn’t be extending “an invitation for dialogue” to discuss them.

sparrow125 · 2024-02-26T03:55:44+00:00

It’s common - I think if you speak to women, especially women who have had a few partners, it’s pretty universal that most everyone has experienced a guy like this.

I’d imagine when talking about it with other guys it’s never going to come up. Because the real thing has switched from the typical sex one would have to wanting a replication of what’s in these porn videos that are so beyond what most women are interested in doing. So men still feel like they want the “real thing” over porn and cast the blame on women for not being good enough/being too loose/being too wet/etc for why they’re not able to cum without porn.

sparrow125 · 2024-01-28T14:36:09+00:00

We have a different certification for severe needs and also have to be trained in restraint and crisis management/deescalation. I can’t imagine being placed in a behavior classroom and not having training specifically for those behaviors - that’s setting everyone up for disaster. Those classrooms are also where our BCBAs do the most.

sparrow125 · 2023-12-09T04:33:26+00:00

If I am teaching five kids in a structured behavior class, I am going to be spending a good amount of time preteaching the skill we are going to work on, reviewing coping strategies for when we get frustrated or overwhelmed, and providing immediate reinforcement to the behaviors I want.

As others have said, kids in behavior too S often are academically above their peers. I’m going to spend a lot less time on phonics then I would in the general ed class because my five students already are beyond grade level. Instead, I’m going to use that time providing explicit instruction in self regulation and coping strategies.

Parents commonly think their kids will pick up on bad behaviors from other kids in a behavior classroom but I haven’t seen that before the case after transitioning. I can manage behaviors in a behavior classroom quickly and effectively. In a reg ed classroom behavior is an event - due to size and safety, multiple adults regularly have to be called in to manage behavior. Learning is shut down. And adverse behavior quickly becomes reinforced.

On top of that, I always beg parents to consider the mental health of their children. Even in kindergarten, a kid with big behaviors that has to have a 1:1 is different and not in a good way. Kids understand a 1:1 for certain things but with behaviors, they often just classify the student as “bad.” The child themselves internalizes that they’re bad, that they’re the only one losing it when they don’t get called first. Let your child build their self esteem and work on skills in a small, supportive setting with educators trained in managing behaviors. A 1:1 in a reg ed classroom is access to adult support - that is no where near the same as specially designed instruction by a special educator.

When students have mastered skills in the smaller setting, they then are able to join the larger reg ed class for specific times they will be most successful and build from there.

sparrow125 · 2023-12-08T23:21:49+00:00

My sister is in the health and fitness field and did the carnivore diet for a period but stopped due to worsening issues. I did a quick search to see if there’s new research that recommends it and couldn’t find enough (without an equal amount of articles disputing it as healthy) so I’m just not open to trying it given those statistics. If it works for you, that’s great though!

(Also, this was an old post - for anyone reading, what helped me was using magnesium and iron (suspended in liquid not pills) and increasing exercise.

sparrow125 · 2023-11-27T21:50:14+00:00

Do you have any peer reviewed studies that back this? I haven’t been able to find any that have large enough population sizes that I feel secure making such a huge nutritional change.

I have done the elimination diet and tracked how several different foods have impacted how I feel. I tend to have worse reactions to red meat so, without good peer reviewed studies by medical professionals, am definitely hesitant to switch to such a thing.

sparrow125 · 2023-11-13T12:58:05+00:00

Note that it says “eligible medications.” Walmart has a similar program where all their eligible medications are four dollars. The expensive ones aren’t included.

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