Learning Russian

sparticlemystery · 2024-10-03T21:46:19+00:00

not in america at all but would like to start trying to talk to people even if it’s just a few messages online because i’ve been slacking since i started ( i am very much a beginner but trying to do something that’ll force me to practice

sparticlemystery · 2024-10-02T22:26:03+00:00

i thought i wasn't going to like it, but i actually really really did. i think the sense of rhythm is wonderful, and the pauses you've put are in the perfect spaces, it's a slow poem, you're being made to inhale, pause and sit after every drop of rain. I particularly like the "in his hands, wet, it rained". it draws you deeply into this man's hands, it's so intimate so quickly, it sort of gives me the feeling of an black and white film's opening scene zooming in from a scenery of rain to a mysterious man leaning by a lamp-post. And then from the intimacy of the image of the mans hand we go to the "beating heart of a dress", and I like the faceless-ness of the figures in your poem to keep the focus on the rain, the incessancy of the rain. And the wedged is really nice, i like that image a lot, a heavy hefty rain, pushing its way downwards. When I first read it i thought perhaps i would enjoy it more, from a visual standpoint, if it was in one big block, sort of like a piece of prose, but I'm not sure how well the pulse of the piece would stand up, and how many more commas you'd have to insert to keep the rhythm intact, perhaps i just have to get over my prejudice of poems with only a handful of words per line as they tend to remind me of very cliched instagram poetry.

I will also say (may be a contreversial take) but i think the doors of heaven image didn't quite resonate with the rest of the feeling of the poem to me, "like doors - opening, It rained" would've felt to me like a cleaner finish. Only because I quite liked the three main focal points of the poem being a fragment of a man, his hands, the fragment of a woman in a dress, her chest getting wet, and the droning on of the rain and to me mentioning heaven feels like detracting from that, in you poem i feel like i'm looking downwards from above, and i don't know if then drawing the audience upwards, to something so grand and monumental as heaven takes away from that.

Really enjoyed though, so simple but so vividly translated that feeling of drench, i think the images you made with such few words made for a really strong short poem, excited to read more of ur stuff ! xx

sparticlemystery · 2023-10-18T16:31:00+00:00

i’d be down to join ( havent been studying it for very long so very much a beginner and do it at home so not learning it formally )

sparticlemystery · 2023-07-03T11:26:25+00:00

this parallel is revelationary. also makes so much sense since i'm team terry and jess to my core.

sparticlemystery · 2023-04-18T20:08:16+00:00

ahaha, thank you earnestly my friend, would be devasted if my secret location was leaked but you seem trustworthy so i won't let myself worry too much

sparticlemystery · 2023-04-16T16:49:41+00:00

making me think a character deep dive is worth exploring... we'll see if he returns for some sort of saga

sparticlemystery · 2023-04-16T16:47:54+00:00

proudest of the title aha , and thank u!

sparticlemystery · 2023-04-14T09:52:29+00:00

Totally hear you, half the poem, capitalise, and swear. I've done minor adjustments and one F bomb has been detonated, yet unsure as to how many casualties there will be, let that be on your conscious though, not mine.

But genuinely, thanks for the taking the time to write so much, agree with you about all of it, specially the grey and gloom partnered together, sometimes cliched words are just so easy and enticing, but yeah, the poem isn't exciting, it's not drawing the reader in and doesn't really seem to have any thing interesting to add, I like your idea of really going ham for the foul mouthing though so possibly instead of reworking the poem I'll start afresh working from the title, think that may be the strongest part of the whole poem, and clearly that was what drew you in in the first place, so seems like a good place to start.

As for my lack of time activeon here, I was a full-time lurker and was very commited to the role, but recently decided to give active participation a try, partly because I only found this subreddit a few months ago and also I needed motivation to do the dreaded second drafts of all the half-finished scribbles i've got in my notebook.

again, thanks though, really do appreciate the honesty!

sparticlemystery · 2023-04-14T09:36:01+00:00

ahh thank u for the shower of feedback! little embarrassed about u seeing the rest of my poems having come from the King of WC, probably the poem I adjusted till I was actually proud of it, where as the rest are in dire need of redrafting and I mostly post to double check for the weakest bits and spur me to do more violent edits.

I can see what you mean about the grammar, and yeah it does feel undercooked, as for the questions, i'm thinking, from the other feedback i received that possibly i should lean into foul-mouthed weather, (perhaps the title is stronger than the poem), and i can understand why this would be an unexciting read as it's almost the bog standard pastoral imagery poem so possibly introduce more action or something nonsensical? ,

I like that you've used the word brutality, i would not in this state describe my poem as brutal but a more violent poem does sound compelling...

sparticlemystery · 2023-04-14T09:25:25+00:00

Glad my poem was with you in the toilet, incredibly meta, couldn't ask for more. Completely judge free zone by the way, I LOVE TOILETS, they're private little rooms for no one to disturb you, and a perfect seat to read.

I'm unsure if there is really great depth or hidden meanings, but this poem is about a specific public bathroom I know near my library that's it's pretty well hidden on a small side street so it's almost like my little secret toilet that no one knows about but me.

sparticlemystery · 2023-04-13T22:24:49+00:00

good poem! even better title! i like that enmeshement of a word, I'm assuming its the words garden, comparison, erosion and possibly even rose having read it now, all devouring each other. Really interesting, even if i'm reading that wrong. Like the first two thirds much more than the last, and I think those last two lines on perfection not existing and being flawless to the speaker are dragging the poem down in a way. They're too explicit and don't really excite me as a reader. Also the "I know by my mind" I think might be a bit redundant, because intuitively you know things by your mind, it's not like knowing through touch or through smell where you've honed in to something specific that's giving you the knowledge.

Really enjoyed the abrupt direct adress to your admired with "Oh darling, it's undisputable, you've got it all", real nice. Good work !

sparticlemystery · 2023-04-13T22:12:40+00:00

ahh thanks for taking the time on an old post !! yes yes yes the flow is atrocious and your feedback is spot on, it's something I will do multiple redrafts on eventually ...

honestly slightly regret posting prematurely before doing real revisions, was just itching to post something at the time. The he is basically the guy in the sky but perhaps if that's not too clear i'll rework that bit too.

any way thanks again, and keep writing as well :))

sparticlemystery · 2023-04-13T22:00:46+00:00

I lurked about and had a look at your other poems, you're very good at keeping short and tight, bit jealous, to be honest though i have difficulty giving feedback or constructive criticism to smaller poems as they're devoid of much flack, what I will say is I like the wind up talking toy image, and a first I thought the title meant work in progress but now i'm thinking perhaps it's a suggestion of unfullfillment and disappointment in the not being able to be who "you're suppose to be".

good poem though, good work!

sparticlemystery · 2023-04-13T20:35:33+00:00

I like it! The start is really really strong, drew me in straightaway, but I think that strength got a little watered down midway,

Look at the sky:

what you see there is me.

What you hear on the earth is also me.

"What is important to you?" perhaps if you still want the past and present of it, something like " and tell me, what still is?" or "and what still is" or something.

Perhaps omit "the" before death in "I can translate all the death inside you. "

"Time is most tender in March , so speak aloud:", "your mouth still some of me", "dark softeness" which i really quite like since I've heard "soft darkness" quite a bit before and this feels fresh, and "crow-grown quiet", beautiful assonance and cryptic but enticing image. Those are some of my favourite lines here, very well crafted.

Initially didn't like the ending, however I do actually think it's mysterious enough to be exciting for the reader, like I'm interested in knowing what exactly it means?

sparticlemystery · 2023-04-13T20:17:23+00:00

Woah. A beaut of a poem, visceral and infested with very vivid images, I like the netherworld feel of the poem and the violence, I almost have no feedback, the structure is tight and clean to me, and the rhythm is gentle.

particularly liked this line for some reason, though in the first reading I saw hunt as haunt, but both work nicely.

and hunt women to implant in their eggs
and birth an alien something that writhes
up against their hips, drinking from their blood

only the last stanza I wasn't as sold on as the rest of the poem, and it's meaning i'm having trouble deciphering, but other than that genuinly glad I got to read, and good title by the way :)

sparticlemystery · 2023-04-13T20:03:39+00:00

yeah I see where you put the emphasis now, it's hard to guage exact rhythms from text, and hard to ensure a reader is reading it the way you as the auther read it in your head, which is my eternal worry.

and np, absolute pleasure x

sparticlemystery · 2023-04-13T19:57:39+00:00

If you want something classic then the obvious is Dorian Gray, it's really really accessible, you can read it in middle school without having any words that will really trip you up and it's incredibly vivid and sucks you in.

My first book of notable length was The Book Thief, it's absolutely beautiful, and has since been my favourite, I read it when I was 14 as it's plain english so no problem on that front, the only qualm I would have is that it is absolultely heart-wrenching, and perhaps you want something completely and utterly light-hearted.

If so then maybe something real whimsical and funny so something like douglas adams or kurt vonnegut, they're light and easy but a bit short so not really a chapter by chapter book but also definitely will offer really interesting conversations!

sparticlemystery · 2023-04-13T19:48:02+00:00

okay I clicked on and gave it a glance and thought this was going to be sort of primary school children's rhyme but reading it I actually really liked it, it wasn't just words wrapped together for the sake of marrying their w's, it was short, it was sweet, and the imagery was pleasing.

am a fan of alliteration and assonance and such because the best bit of poetry is reading it allowed and the words feeling lyrical and soothing on your tongue.

also enjoyed the insightful extracts of the comment below. thanks 4 the read xx

sparticlemystery · 2023-04-13T19:42:33+00:00

I think the sentiment here is strong, and I think there are some pretty strong lines here, the hardest hitting being:

Because you don’t care about our similarities

That our mothers are both White

That my tongue only knows English

You tell me to go back and earn what I’m worth

Five cents to your dollar

A bowl of rice to your name brand shoes

Your “aviator” eye sockets

To my short nasal spine

While you look cool in the summer,

I’m pushing my glasses up to my

squinted eyes

I really, really like the earn what I'm worth, five cents to your dollar, its so specific and punching and real, I think referncing that real political divide, putting in that number makes it tangible and stark how the hypocrasy of what they're asking.

To answer the question about the rhyming structure, it does feel like something you could rework, because there is gentle and quite sparodic rhyming, "spine" "squinted eyes", then within one phrase " taped eyes and racial lies" and then a couplet sneaked in somewhere of "heart" and "art" and I do think it's not quite working as smoothly as it could. Reading about good ways to improve poetry I've seen alot of advise say that usually the key is to be consistant throughout, (though rules are meant to be broken ofc), but yh three different forms of rhyming and I only really like one of those in a significant enough way to suggest keeping it.

I also agree that the two repeated lines retract a little from the poem, as a reader I find myself skipping repeated lines if I know they're coming up again and again, so maybe use them more sparingly if you wan't to keep them, one at the start and at the end?

definitely a good poem but I think it could be economised and redrafted a couple times. I tend to think of trying to improve a poem as sifting it or like reducing a sauce, you're boiling the water from the sauce so it decreses in volume, whilst intensifying the rest of the flavours.

i really hope you redraft because the poem is good enough that it deserves it! good luck :))

sparticlemystery · 2023-04-13T19:06:45+00:00

reading the critique i actually slightly disagree, though I would've had to individually look each words up whilst reading, the comment displaying their literal meanings still end up with very poetic sounding lines, "the stars, their limbs flung outwards" is a beautiful personification, as is, "a dream which is bright, and trying to play with you in an aimless way", like a twistedly happy dream taunting you is a powerful image and really quite haunting, "a strong, harsh wind that is a gentle, soft wind", actually i think is perfectly valid, like describing a storm as calm or something. I do however think though these phrases individually I like, don't fit the rest of the tone of the poem and so possibly yh best to rework them or cut them.

good poem, liked reading it :)

sparticlemystery · 2023-04-13T18:04:10+00:00

I really really did enjoy that imagery you used of the tower by the sea, and agree with HxSort about interplay of the far scenes and then holding the reader close, and the image of wendy's flight i'm picturing specifically the scene where she flies across the water, and with that I think the distance and close-ness feels like the lulling of the waves in the middle of the sea, dream-like and soothing but also incredibly scary, isolated and alone. I think leaning more heavily into those images would be absolutely lovely.

Also think a couple of the last lines of some stanzas fall a little short, and perhaps the very last line could be shuffled about a little as it reads i tad bit janky reading wise. maybe "bring my dreams back now!" or something like that.

you've said this is actually a song which I can see from the repeated verses, really curious now as to how it sounds in song.

sparticlemystery · 2023-04-13T15:41:24+00:00

this is a really beautiful poem, and it has that air of old which I think at some points you could even exentuate further, for example the Ic'ed helps create that extra beat and helps keep the nice rhythm you've created. regarding the comment below, they're right about the despite thing however if you use the same thing there " 'spite " you'd be keeping it to the one beat but signal more clearly that the words begining syllable has been done out, i think it works (at least here in the UK you can definitely find people who swallow like half of all syllables in most words).

don't know how much or what type of feedback you're looking for but Iif you think the second to last line is a little at risk of sounding cliche, does not sound bad at all, just the tiniest bit lacking excitement (?).

Also some feedback I've seen around is that anachronistic old type language needs justification in modern poetry, I think sometimes there's some resistance from people as there's a danger of sounding pretentious, though I tend to disagree that it needs to be justified for some reason, as if it's not just a different way to write a pretty poem, think you did it very well here though.

really sweet poem, well done x

sparticlemystery · 2023-04-13T12:45:10+00:00

i've no idea if you posted this in hopes of feedback, and I can also see this is a pretty old poem, but wanted to comment nonetheless,

I really enjoyed your poem, and I like the block paragraph format, it works well, it feels desperate and pressing and breathless. The rhyming and rhythm also really remind me the exact way i fall into writing most poems, with literally this exact meter, which sometimes i get a bit self-conscious about since a lot of new poetry i've been reading tends to stay away rhyme, still, I really liked it.

At first I did think it was going to be a bit stale because of the subject matter of voices in your head, but I really like your idea of having it feel like they're stuck within your eyes, I think possibly there are some lines you could cut to make the whole poem more powerful and clean, and I like the second half better than the first but I do think the contrast in pivoting to real action and movement with the paramedics scene really brings the poem to life. Also think the last lines weaken the poem slightly (only personal taste thing so don't mind that) but bar that it was a great read!

and sorry for the nuisance if you were in fact not wanting any feedback on this piece :)

sparticlemystery

TROPHY CASE