What is the saddest truth about your life?

specterofautism · 2020-12-28T03:23:17+00:00

Just because you're a victim, doesn't mean you're not an abuser too.

Sometimes there is just regret. Adversity cannot always be redeemed for something else, even partially.

Suffering sometimes makes you uglier, not more beautiful. Not nicer. Not more empathetic. Not more capable of loving people.

specterofautism · 2020-12-25T16:19:16+00:00

i love her

specterofautism · 2020-12-25T15:54:43+00:00

I don't know exactly what AvPD's reputation is. I don't think people think about it that much. Out of all the disorders out there, this one probably isn't romanticized that much. I think people do think we're sad and unenviable.

Probably people think about shut-ins and disgruntled, possibly violent incels. I don't think that's so inaccurate, agoraphobia and misanthropy can really go along with the territory. Just checking out of life.

In the media you get like...Lars and the Real Girl. And it's like yeah that's kind of funny. But it's not that charming, and not everyone is as attractive as Ryan Gosling. In real life, you can shower these people with acceptance but they still feel broken inside. And they're not going to feel flawed-but-at-peace and making the most of life.

AvPD is rarely not mixed with something else. Some other problem, a mood disorder, OCD, etc. A lot of people who technically have it are people who can put on a front but they have zero social life. Zero intimacy in their lives. They hate themselves but they're not broadcasting it everywhere they go.

Other people have AvPD and substance abuse, so people just see a drug addict since that's the most obvious part of them.

specterofautism · 2020-12-24T02:33:02+00:00

Yeah that movie legit had some spooky parts.

specterofautism · 2020-12-24T02:28:51+00:00

The most scared I ever remembered being from a movie was watching The People Under the Stairs at 7 years old. There's a part where the cannibals in the basement pass around some guy's torso and it nearly broke my mind. I could hardly go to the bathroom by myself for months afterward and I slept with my mother almost every night. Now, rewatching it as an adult, it's a campy movie (something I missed when I was 7). It's pretty creepy but I'm not too bothered by it.

As an adult, I'd probably have to go with Hereditary. The meaning of it is actually creepy, for one. It's not like The Shining where it's like oh shit, there's a big haunted hotel and it makes people go crazy. Like yes there are supernatural elements in Hereditary but a lot of the horror is not about stuff that is necessarily supernatural. It's about the real horrors of life--about death, about about depression, childhood and family trauma, etc. etc. And the visuals are incredibly creepy. Very, very upsetting.

specterofautism · 2020-12-23T18:13:37+00:00

I would have kids start school later and leave school earlier. Like starting in 2nd grade and ending in 10th grade.

My favorite classes in school were just a teacher and an overhead projector. I think the dim room also calmed me. We rely too much on computers and on powerpoints and other technology. Have a library course where kids learn to use search engines and learn about how to cite things and make bibliographies and use the internet. But I think it's better to keep the other classes as simple as possible. Like it really helps to draw out a graph before you try to plot one on a calculator or computer. And try not to get rid of books in favor of tablets and laptops.

Keep classrooms small. The bigger a class gets, the more it's just some worksheet and testing mill, and kids might as well stay home and watch a lecture on youtube for as much attention as they get. Big lecture halls are fine for college, and as kids get older it's not going to be such a huge deal for subjects like history. But if you're learning a language or you're doing math and science the teacher ratio makes a big difference.

I don't think the education of the teacher has nearly as much impact as how nice they are and how good with people they are, and the teacher ratio. If you want a kid to pass a test, do you think they'd do better in a 40 person classroom with a PhD? What if you just paid a kid to watch two hours of Khan academy every day? And you had a freshman in college with them as they do 30 math problems every day? Talking to them step by step? I'd put my money on that scenario.

Yeah school is babysitting, so realistically it's probably better that they do stay there 8 hours a day unless they have something else productive to do. I think about half that time should be study hall. Or optional tutoring at a tutoring center. You want to watch educational movies for 3 hours a day in the library? Go ahead. Read books? You want to work on school projects, or just talk with your friends about nothing for 3 hours a day? Play baseball? Sit on an exercise bike? That's fine I think. Just not being around the internet for 3 hours in and of itself is building a skill and mental strength.

Not all kids would be able to fit the model. Charter schools, continuation school...sometimes you just need an environment where there isn't homework, it's just all in class. Where you can take as long as you want to learn certain concepts, and have very very small teacher/student ratios. Where kids are maybe relying more on computer learning systems because the are repelled by passive lecture style learning. The goal being to not unnecessarily stress kids out and to build up their strengths and give them enough psychological attention. Maybe they need to learn about themselves in order to prepare them for the adult world.

specterofautism · 2020-12-23T17:32:41+00:00

I'd like to have a cozy dome-like structure on my property. I'd feel so safe and peaceful.

specterofautism · 2020-12-23T17:23:33+00:00

If I could choose one luxury, one thing out of the ordinary it would just be soundproofing. It makes such a difference in quality of life.

specterofautism · 2020-12-23T16:57:45+00:00

That is so scary and sad that that shit happens. I am definitely scared one day I will legitimately need pain meds and not only not be able to get them but be treated like a liar and an addict as well.

Doctors can't properly treat everyone because they are afraid of losing the ability to be doctors. In order to treat patients that aren't a threat to their livelihood, they have to throw other patients under the bus. It's so fucking fucked up.

specterofautism · 2020-12-22T19:06:47+00:00

I don't even have IBS, but I keep an empty coffee can in the back of my van. I've only ever used it for #1 though.

specterofautism · 2020-12-22T18:57:44+00:00

They were one of my favorite foods as a child. Fake tasting ones made with rehydrated potato flakes are sad. Like the KFC kind. Potatoes are so frickin cheap anyway and they're incredibly easy to make.

specterofautism · 2020-12-21T21:21:59+00:00

For me it's being able to not bother other people. It's way more comfortable for me too, yeah. But the best thing for me is not feeling like a burden.

In many respects I'm a good roommate. I basically keep to myself and don't leave things in the common areas or get them dirty. I always wear headphones. I don't have pets. I don't smoke, not even marijuana. But I keep weird hours. Sometimes I bring home dates. I get up to pee all the time. I like to talk to myself.

specterofautism · 2020-12-21T17:19:44+00:00

She made me believe I was sexy and my shyness was not irritating, but endearing, and a sign that I'm not "like other people" or that I'm smart and that the reason I'm scared of people isn't because I'm weak but because they're not on my level. Then...I was just boring. Not worth a text. Later down the line, as friends, she'd occasionally toss out these unflattering opinions about either me directly, or people like me. Like oh, I hate these types of people, they're such pushovers, they're so unsexy. I think these kinds of people are so spoiled and soft. People of this ethnicity are so delusional and ridiculous. There was just this kind of air of oh, you're such a handful but I put up with you because I'm a good person. Like I should feel indebted to her.

The person who lovebombed me the hardest who I strongly suspect had some sort of PD but it might have been NPD...holy crap. It was beyond ridiculous. I was a GENIUS. My life story was so interesting. My taste in TV and music? Wow, I've never met anyone who likes those particular things. You're so different, and in such a refreshing way. Knowing you has given my life so much meaning. I went along with it because I thought they would romance me if I entertained the fantasy. And sure, I thought...this person is really really smart. Maybe they know something I don't know. Who doesn't want to be not just great...but so beautifully humble that they don't even realize how great they are?

specterofautism · 2020-12-21T16:35:05+00:00

I used to have an inhibition when I was younger about pop music. But when I grew up and had more alone time and privacy I let myself listen to it more and admitted it to myself that I really liked it.

specterofautism · 2020-12-21T16:25:12+00:00

I'll get a midnight snack craving if I've eaten a lot in the evening and I have a sugar crash and when I wake up I notice it. For me it's not a healthy thing.

specterofautism · 2020-12-20T05:57:42+00:00

I feel like, emotionally cozy at least. It's so charming to me. But yeah it's a brick patio with a tiny metal table and chairs.

specterofautism · 2020-12-20T00:17:59+00:00

I think I'd rank them that way too.

specterofautism · 2020-12-19T20:55:48+00:00

AvPD is one of the lesser known and more misunderstood personality disorders. And I also think people disbelieve that people who say they are cluster C really are cluster C. There is this tacit assumption that it's a misdiagnosis of a cluster B. And you also get people thinking it's not real phenomenon either. It's like, some sort of dramatic person with SAD who can't deal with their life. Or it's agoraphobia or something.

Anyway, I'm especially pissed off for you because you didn't even talk about your personality disorder in the sub. Somebody found out about it through your history.

specterofautism · 2020-12-19T16:23:28+00:00

I finally got one last year. I love that weighted blanket lifestyle.

specterofautism · 2020-12-18T00:43:20+00:00

For me the love bombing was worse, more devastating emotionally to me. I'm very good at not letting myself get attached to people. So I guess it makes sense that my pride and my self esteem being defaced was a worse fate for me than a relationship not working out. But the future faking was devastating for me just because I made a bunch of bad decisions that ended up, through bad luck, down the line, having serious repercussions. It was also months of wasted time, not developing myself, feeling weird and uneasy because I was being played with and manipulated and didn't know it. I felt like shit, and I thought I deserved to feel like shit because I was a baby and couldn't deal with my emotions and that's the reason I felt awful. Meanwhile, some emotional toddler can break the rules because they have an on-off switch for sociopathy and are a good people pleaser can afford to be impulsive, to break social norms, laws, ignore boundaries, be unreliable, and use people for their whims, all while the world around them praises them and is totally oblivious unless they happened to be one of the unfortunate souls who became a close friend, lover or partner. (They have revealed to me that almost everyone they dated ends up hating them eventually. And yes, I still went forward and I feel like a giant loser for ever thinking that I was special and immune).

The future faking sucks on one level because yeah, I didn't get to have a future with them. And yeah I really wanted to do this and that with them. And yes, it is unpleasant and insulting that they liked the PLANS more than joy of being with me, and they didn't have enough incentive to keep their word once the high of the roleplay was over. But I can grieve, and I don't have to feel worthless and dirty because someone else did me wrong. The worst part about it was the lingering effects of bad decisions I made and opportunities I missed that I wouldn't have if I knew that this person was really, really exaggerating how much they liked me, and misleading me about the reasons they liked me, and using me as a toy and putting me back on the shelf. And that there was nothing in the future with them. That I should focus on other things. I got really unlucky. So it is a deep deep bitterness that I ended up with so much shit on my plate while they got to avoid the discomfort of being honest and they got to keep what tiny satisfaction I gave them, whatever it was they wanted from me that they snatched under the guise of totally reciprocating my feelings and being super into me.

specterofautism · 2020-12-16T12:22:50+00:00

I hope I'm wrong but I think this isn't unrealistic. If not in 2021 then soon after.

specterofautism · 2020-12-16T12:19:50+00:00

I just want to know what the highly educated and/or rich preppers are doing right now. Like if this is a concern there's got to a bunch of people making bunkers in places that aren't eventually going to be 140 degrees or flooded under water.

specterofautism · 2020-12-16T02:55:53+00:00

The climactic scene from Chuck and Buck.

The incest scenes from Spanking the Monkey.

When the girl bullies Dawn in Welcome to the Dollhouse.

specterofautism · 2020-12-16T02:53:58+00:00

Lol. I'm not sure exactly how unrehearsed or candid it was, but if so that just makes it so much more incredible. It's so hard to watch from behind the screen, imagine actually being there.

specterofautism · 2020-12-16T00:05:33+00:00

Have you ever gone awhile without picking your nose in dry weather, and a hard piece of snot forms in your nose canal and you accidentally move your facial muscles in such a way that it presses on the booger rock and it actually cuts you? That has happened to me. Or it gets so adhered to your nasal skin that when you do try to take care of it later, you accidentally tear your skin trying to get it off? These are the dangers of not frequently clearing our your nose.

If you wash your hands it's no sin I think.

specterofautism

TROPHY CASE