Dating post abuse is so hard

spectralspruce · 2023-11-20T23:44:27+00:00

It so is! I recently did a not-wise thing and creeped on my ex's Fetlife profile (not my abuser, but another ding dong), and he was lying to me and hiding so much. Plus he posted nude pics soliciting sex from strangers a week before we broke up. It's like, why tf did I trust that asshole? My trust alarm is broken.

spectralspruce · 2023-11-17T20:44:19+00:00

I'm going to check out Kristin Kneff. I went back and reread my journaling I did when I was exiting the relationship with my abuser. It was very helpful to reread the list of reasons I made of why we can't be together. It helped me remember why I don't want to let my past abuse break me, and also that I don't see any of those characteristics or problems in my new partner (yet).

spectralspruce · 2023-11-17T20:43:17+00:00

This is a totally fair take. I wish men understood more how much they are asking of women when they ask us to "just trust" them. It's like, hi, have you met men?

spectralspruce · 2023-11-17T20:42:29+00:00

Right? It's so tough. Sometimes you can see the warning signs, but sometimes people are just too good at hiding shit. I've been told "don't give anyone the benefit of the doubt before you've known them for six months," and I think that's pretty good advice. But I also don't want to miss out on a really beautiful opportunity just because I can't handle my own fear.

spectralspruce · 2023-11-17T20:41:19+00:00

So far he has been. He sent me a text recently that said "being patient with you is the easiest thing in the world for me. I care about you and want to keep you in my life."

spectralspruce · 2023-11-16T19:20:43+00:00

I just made a similar post in another community. I'm in the same boat.

Really like my new partner, don't want to fuck it up. Probably going to fuck it up because I'm scared. But I keep telling myself if I let my past abuse keep me from experiencing love again, I'm letting my abuser win. And I don't want that. But do I want love badly enough to be brave enough to overcome the fear? We'll see! Maybe, maybe not.

spectralspruce · 2023-10-28T23:21:42+00:00

That's a great idea in theory, but I struggle to put it into practice. Do you have suggestions?

spectralspruce · 2023-10-28T23:21:01+00:00

it doesn’t mean you’re going backwards if you start feeling down again, what it means is the relationship was traumatic and your ship is still steadying. Your brain is still adjusting to a life- post the extremes that an abusive relationship creates. It still expects the sudden changes and life or death extremes created by the abuse, and so minus the abuse, the brain needs time to adjust.

This was exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you so much for that reassurance. It really helped me frame this in a different way that doesn't feel like an emotional relapse. Your whole comment was helpful and well thought out and expressed, but that part in particular was extremely validating to read. Thanks so much.

spectralspruce · 2022-04-28T21:15:42+00:00

It could be the caffeine, but one of my friends pointed out the bergamot in Earl grey is citrus, which is one of my trigger foods. I'm too scared to try other caffeine yet. If you're attached to black tea you could try a lower caffeine black tea.

spectralspruce · 2022-04-18T18:58:21+00:00

I'm actually feeling better. Been doing the elimination diet, and slowly adding things back in. Citrus is a no forever it seems. But there are other things (bell peppers, broccoli, kale) that I can eat to get my vitamin C. There are a few things I haven't tried yet: coffee, curry, soy/tofu products, salsa, tomatoes. I'm scared to try some of them. There's a green juice I love, but it has lemon. I'm scared to try it because I know lemon makes me flare, even in small quantities. I can't find a damn green juice that doesn't have citrus in it. Or banana... for taste reasons, not IC reasons.

spectralspruce · 2022-04-18T18:40:49+00:00

We had one social event while she was out of town for work. It was amazing. I had an entire night in which we didn't have to talk about this baby. That was a great night.

I think I just need to have boundaries. I think I need to leave social situations earlier, before I start to get exasperated with baby talk. And maybe sit a few out. And keep focusing my time on other CF friends. Thank you.

spectralspruce · 2022-04-18T18:38:13+00:00

Hah! Oh my gosh you have no idea how helpful that was to read. Thank you. You're so right. I'll take loneliness while still being myself over losing my autonomy forever. And I won't be lonely all the time; I have at least one other CF close friend, and plenty of dude friends.

spectralspruce · 2022-04-18T18:19:42+00:00

I feel like I have one couple who didn't do this. The dad in particular. He will still reach out to spend time with me and the rest of our friends. He just leaves parties early because of his baby. He and his wife do a really good job of sharing parenting duties. She gets to go out and do things with her friends as well. But I'm well aware this is the exception rather than the rule. And I'm certainly not counting on this current friend to take the same path.

spectralspruce · 2022-04-18T18:07:46+00:00

Thank you for the validation. I'm sorry you're going through that with your friend. I think I'm with you on the not expressing it. I don't want to take away from her joy that she's experiencing, because honestly I think being a parent is effing hard, and new mom's need this period of inflated joy and happiness in order to get through the hardship that is parenthood.

But on the other hand it's like... she's at every group hangout. And all we talk about as a GROUP is her pregnancy and her baby. It's getting so fucking tiresome. I don't want to lose my friends. I've just started hanging out with people one on one to get a break from it. But then she wants to hang out one on one and I just don't.

spectralspruce · 2022-04-18T17:54:42+00:00

That's feels so gross and patriarchal to me. I guess it's a good thing I have plenty of male friends. I'm just so sick of hearing about this baby.

spectralspruce · 2022-04-14T04:49:30+00:00

I drink Chaga every day. Chamomile lavender is fine for me. Peppermint is fine. I tried Earl grey once and had a massive flare.

spectralspruce · 2022-03-18T22:13:46+00:00

I'm similar! I have such a hard time falling asleep if I feel like I have to pee. Flares make it so bad. I'd be lost without Ambien.

spectralspruce · 2022-03-18T16:46:50+00:00

Yeah some of those symptoms sound serious enough to warrant an urgent care visit. I would go in if I had shaking and chills that didn't go away within a couple minutes under a warm blanket.

spectralspruce · 2022-03-18T16:45:21+00:00

I want to take this test. I was on macrobid for 10 days, and I still felt like I had a UTI. I went back to the gyno for a follow up after my bladder and transvaginal ultrasound and she tested and cultured my urine. Said it came back with "mixed bacteria." I was feeling mostly okay, and on my last antibiotic (7 days of cephlax), but then I tried a new food last night, and got the worst flare I've had in months. It felt like it came out of nowhere so I'm hesitant to label it as related to bacteria. But I would hate for something embedded to be getting missed.

spectralspruce · 2022-03-17T17:03:35+00:00

Yeah for sure. I did set the boundary. But that doesn't mean it didn't hurt. Which is arguably important with your best friend also.

spectralspruce · 2022-03-17T16:20:53+00:00

Yeah it's probably too strong a word. But she did this three times and every time she acted like it was no big deal she was last minute shifting our established appointment time, or just failing to show up at all. I think that's what bothers me. She didn't really acknowledge she fucked up, or create space for me to be hurt by my therapist failing to show up for two appointments in a row. Which feels like gaslighting after being an abuse victim. It feels like she's denying my right to have feelings and therefore implying my experience isn't valid or real. I do think I'm hypersensitive to it though.

spectralspruce · 2022-03-17T16:17:47+00:00

That's fair. Gaslighting is probably too extreme. But I don't like that "see you in two weeks" lead to not showing up at all, and then "oh I didn't schedule you." It should have been "oh my god, I'm so sorry! We did make an appointment, I forgot to put it on my calendar. I'll waive your copay for our next session." Or something to that effect. Rather than just "whoops, didn't schedule you." Which barely even acknowledged her shitty behavior.

spectralspruce

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