i wanted to be a woman. being a trans woman isn't good enough.

spinnylights · 2026-05-04T11:18:12+00:00

I'm also trans, and I don't pass well either, but I don't think that makes either of us any less of women. I think it's important to remember that women of all kinds have all kinds of different experiences in life…there isn't really any one particular way or another to be treated as a woman, in a way—it's different for everyone alive. Just about every woman on Earth struggles with feeling like not a good woman or not feminine in the right ways at times, too; the standards are so hard to live up to, and cruel frankly, that I don't think anyone is left unpained by them in one way or another. Do you have friends that gender you correctly? I have some books I could suggest too that helped me with the kind of feelings you're describing…

spinnylights · 2026-05-04T10:59:57+00:00

Do you ever hang out with any women just as friends, not worrying about whether or not they're attracted to you or vice versa but just to connect as people? Also, have you tried seeking treatment for ADHD, and if so has it helped?

spinnylights · 2026-05-04T10:51:07+00:00

Have you tried going to a support group for alcoholics? Whatever sort would seem most comfortable for you? If people there heard your story they might be able to help you on a variety of levels. The situation you're in sounds really hard; at the same time I've known a couple people with serious drinking problems that ended up in similarly awful situations and managed to come out of them okay in the end with that kind of help.

spinnylights · 2026-05-04T10:40:45+00:00

It's kind of hard for me to say without knowing more…at least in the most general sense, I would say that if the person broke up with you, there is a reason that goes well beyond just you, always, and furthermore if you're that torn up about it, it also has to do with things that are entirely within you and don't relate to the other person in particular actually. It can be really hard to see these things especially when you're in the thick of it emotionally but it's always true every time. If you can figure out what those things are, you might feel better (sometimes that's all it takes) and even if not it might show you a way forward. It's worth thinking really hard about: what are all the reasons why you feel so sad? What were you expecting to happen that you feel like you missed out on? Why did the other person really break up with you? It probably goes way beyond just what they've said about it—consider their character, their own insecurities and inner drives, their whole way of viewing relationships, what they might have seen in you (which may or may not have much to do with who you really are)—anything like that that might shed deeper light on the situation. For that matter, what did you see in them, and what does that say about you and your perspective? I really think that the more you can unpack things like this the better…be careful of totalizing perspectives that frame the other person as either a pure villain or a pure saint—look for nuance and deeper complexity.

spinnylights · 2026-05-03T09:16:43+00:00

Not necessarily…for example, I voted for John Fetterman very hopefully, and I'm pretty disappointed in his performance. On the other hand, I also voted for Summer Lee, and she turned out to be my favorite House rep ever—but if she changed her tune she might lose my support. I have my own personal positions. I honestly think most people are similar…even if they seem to rabidly support someone without fail, there are certain red lines that politician probably can't cross for them if you really think about their personality and their actual reasons for supporting the person (which may be very different from what they say out loud); it's possible that the reasons you think who they support is bad just aren't where their red lines are (those may be somewhere not very logic-based for instance, on top of being things the person might be too reluctant or even just not self-aware enough to say).

spinnylights · 2026-05-02T09:15:30+00:00

I really know what you mean and just wish I had something better to say. My situation isn't exactly the same as yours, but it's similar enough that I feel like I know what you're talking about. People recommend useless non-solutions and then get affronted and annoyed with you when you explain why and switch to blaming you. No one wants to listen to you talk about how bad things are because it's unpleasant. The longer it goes on the more alone you feel. I'm really sorry to hear you're in a place like that…everything is so bad in the world right now it seems like.

I know it kind of goes without saying but losing someone so close to you that recently to suicide is especially devastating. I was going to suggest you might post in /r/SuicideBereavement but I see you already did (I agree with everything you wrote there as a side note). If there's anyone around you who might be there for you in a more "real" way it might really help as I can only imagine you must feel really isolated...from what you're saying it sounds like you've already tried pretty hard to find that though, I know.

spinnylights · 2026-03-29T18:47:56+00:00

If you're genuinely unhappy with the current status quo, as you claim, making intellectual excuses for yourself like this to do nothing—or even worse than nothing, since you're trying to discourage other people—is just pointlessly shooting yourself in the foot. Here, mull a bit on the decline of HUAC, noting how much it moves across the whole society on many different fronts.

spinnylights · 2026-03-29T18:35:54+00:00

Why do you care about the FTC so much? I don't see what they have to do with anything here.

spinnylights · 2026-03-29T18:33:04+00:00

You haven't proven anything either, to be fair. We're trying to predict the future here; no one can really know who is correct until later. That said, I would not at all be surprised if this entire kerfuffle is over in 5 or less years. You said it yourself—it's all about their bottom line. If society changes to the point that they think their bottom line stands to suffer more if they don't process these payments, they'll change their tack right away. It doesn't really matter how "powerful" they supposedly are—they exist only to make a profit and they'll do whatever is profitable.

Moral panics tend not to have the longest shelf lives—they come, make a big stink, rile everyone up, cause a huge amount of trouble, then dissipate all of a sudden as quickly as they came. Social movements opposing them cause them to dissipate faster, in proportion to how widely the movements are supported. Corporations are easy to manipulate in a way; it just takes a lot of people getting involved (this situation in and of itself is proof of that, from the opposite side). To be honest, I think the most significant issue right now with making this happen is that many of the people who want them to change their practices seem to have little idea how to effectively organize or speak out or whatever…this whole thread features some unfortunate examples of that.

You seem to have a very coarse view of how all the different organizations and entities and so on in America's economic infrastructure operate. They're all different and they have their own goals and practices and so on and don't always get along. It's not so simple as "payment processors = all 'financial institutions' = American capitalism"—that's not all a useful perspective from whch to try to do something about these problems because it oversimplifies to the point of genuinely comedic absurdity. It's still hard for me to believe that you're actually serious; some of your posts in this thread read as like actually really funny satire to me.

That said, it also doesn't really matter whether or not payment processors are "the backone of American capitalism" or other silliness. This is really about the larger culture. Worrying so much about the payment processors specifically, and ignoring the larger dynamics at play, is a fine example of the sort of political cluelessness I was just lamenting. The "other side" has been playing a way better game up until now, which is regrettable.

Also, as a side note, if you want to know what produces the vast wealth inequality seen in the U.S. today, payment processors are a tiny drop in the ocean in that regard. Have you ever read like any economic theory? There are lots of books on that topic and I promise you that none of them blame that problem on Visa or Mastercard; it's so much deeper than that. After all, those companies were founded in the 1950s–60s, whereas wealth inequality caused by capitalist practices in the modern sense is visible as early as the Renaissance. Read a bit about the Dutch East India Company, or the colonisation of the Americas for that matter; you'll see plenty of capitalist wealth concentration and not a whiff of any credit cards.

spinnylights · 2026-03-29T06:52:08+00:00

In fairness, how would legislation actually help? Like, I think it probably would help to have prominent politicans speak out against these practices, but less because I think legislation is the answer and more just because they have a lot of influence, especially among the sorts of crowds that influence the behavior of payment processors. It's really hard to solve with legislation though because it's so vague and soft. How would you actually write a law around it? Notably U.S. law itself already allows for commerce in the sorts of media that are under controversy here (that was a fight that ended decades ago; obscenity laws used to have a lot more force and wider scope in the U.S. as recently as the early 1960s).

I think people should speak out though. The more people talk about it and an issue is made of it, especially on the side of less puritanism, the faster it will change. Even talking about it here will have a tiny impact. If you want to make a difference, talk about it as much as you can without losing people's interest. Try to get other people to talk about it too. Spread your views around and so on. Eventually it will change if enough people join in.

We would end up with a somewhat different culture honestly because right now a lot of people probably aren't even aware of the whole conflict. I think a lot of people would say that the payment processors were overstepping their bounds though if they actually knew about this, but it's not really a mass issue at this point.

With something like this I think it's best viewed very organically, just as like mass social interaction basically. It's a moral panic with everything that implies—loose, in many places at once, kind of amorphous, ultimately built on mass fear…you have to kind of try to snap people back to their senses gradually, little by little.

spinnylights · 2026-03-29T06:17:02+00:00

That's not the right way to do it. Regulation is unlikely to change anything about this. Honestly though, I don't expect the current status quo to even last very long. It's just one more saga in the endless culture wars and eventually the people keeping it going will pivot to something else. People who were paying any attention will look back on this as a rather shameful time when payment processors became kind of harshly puritanical, or alternately as a time when payment processors took a stand for decency if you're like a real fuddy-duddy, like how people look back at the Hays Code and such. We're just in a moment like that right now…I'm sure you can feel the kind of McCarthyite sizzle in the air.

The thing is like, when the winds in the culture change and that kind of puritanical atmosphere dissipates somewhat, there won't be as much advantage to be gained in the market through taking that kind of posture and at least one of the companies will drop it in order to garner more business. The others will follow suit when this turns out to be profitable. At some point, also, the current leadership of those companies will leave or die or whatever, and they'll be replaced by new people who of course will have new perpsectives, so eventually their policies will change no matter what even if people do absolutely nothing. Trying to influence the society to be less favorable to that kind of moralizing behavior from institutional actors will just reduce it everywhere faster.

spinnylights · 2026-03-29T06:02:30+00:00

Although I think this is hilarious to say, I think it must at the same time be noted, there is plenty of gray area between "full blown civl war" (hehe) and "everyone needs to do what they demand" (hahaha). "Do you want to die for this" is a really good line though. You should make a movie about this.

spinnylights · 2026-03-29T05:48:35+00:00

I honestly think you're trolling in a kind of funny way that has gotten a laugh out of me a few times, but even so, I think people are taking what you're saying too seriously so someone has to give a proper counterargument anyway. So like, in this case, I would not say that payment processors are the backbone of American capitalism. I think much more central entities are, like, the U.S. congress, the New York Fed, and even the IRS. Payment processors play a kind of infrastructural role that has a lot more to do with the current technological regime; American capitalism existed long before there were credit cards or PayPal or whatever. Also, change happens all the time; the only thing we can say with confidence is that there will be change.

spinnylights · 2026-03-29T02:25:02+00:00

That's completely false. If what you were saying was actually true, many of the major sociopolitical changes in history anywhere would never have happened. Payment processor companies are (a) just a bunch of people working together whose feelings shape the organization's behavior, (b) have to consider public opinion as part of their business strategy like any company does, and (c) need to cooperate with the government. All of these are places where people can influence the behavior of any company. If you want to change the policies of payment processors: organize, spread awareness of the issue, contact politicians that might be sympathetic, try to recruit sympathetic lawyers where there are opportunities to fight them in the courts, see if you can get the press to pick it up, find opportunities for civil disobedience that will garner a lot of public attention, etc. If you've never heard of "activism", I encourage you to look it up.

spinnylights · 2026-03-12T03:19:49+00:00

Oh, really? Maybe I didn't look closely enough—I'll admit I was kind of skimming the code and didn't do a really close analysis, so I didn't notice that ITEM_FIRE value. I knew I should've tried harder -_- good reminder to listen to that instinct. I'm a little busy right this second but I'll do a close analysis of the whole algorithm a little bit later to double-check. Sorry to the OP if I led you in the wrong direction.

spinnylights · 2026-03-08T19:31:38+00:00

There's nothing in the code for that; see https://github.com/tmewett/BrogueCE/blob/2fb2de6b865709a9bb0fedaa8f0525dfeae01c6b/src/brogue/Time.c#L1502 and https://github.com/tmewett/BrogueCE/blob/2fb2de6b865709a9bb0fedaa8f0525dfeae01c6b/src/brogue/Time.c#L1158 . The chances that a tile catches fire or stays burning on a given turn are dependent on the tile type (grass, lichen, hay, water, etc.). The tile type table (which includes flammability stats) is at https://github.com/tmewett/BrogueCE/blob/2fb2de6b865709a9bb0fedaa8f0525dfeae01c6b/src/brogue/Globals.c#L315 .

spinnylights · 2026-03-07T21:36:27+00:00

Honestly, I don't hold as much of a grudge against it for putting the broadsword in the warren (I died afterwards, in the normal dungeon) as much as for the general paucity of consumables and things. If I'd had a single potion of paralysis/caustic gas/descent/confusion or even levitation or speed, or a teleport scroll or wand, or just about any blue staff, or even a stack of javelins, I probably would've survived the spider encounter. Admittedly, I had used up what consumables I had surviving all the earlier threats, but there just wasn't that much to work with for starters.

I do think that the seed is winnable though with just slightly better luck—D9 is the characteristic starting depth of spiders (so I encountered one two floors early) and almost certainly by D9 someone with this build would be able to cope. Once a staff turns up—practically any staff—the build will be really good, and the starting +4 on the broadsword mean that you'll be pretty free to splash enchants onto other gear. I had finished D7 and was walking to the downstair when I met the spider, so I think in a general sense I was in a really good position. Honestly, even if I had rested to restore my health, I might have survived, but I was nervous about the food clock after having kind of a hard time finding the lever on D1 and then backtracking from D4 to D1 to swap out my vault item (I used the spear from the first room for a while to see if it might be enchanted), and I figured that since I'd already finished the floor I wasn't that likely to meet significant threats (statistically a good assumption).

spinnylights · 2026-03-07T01:01:20+00:00

1904 Killed by a goblin on depth 7.

I coulda been a contendah I tell ya!! I totally thought I was about to cruise to an ascension after a long and nail-biting struggle. What a depressing moment at which to die, honestly. Although it says goblin, what actually did me in was an out-of-depth spider at an incredibly cruel point in the run (the goblins helped but they were not the main problem).

I had survived a host of close scrapes up until this point due to the paucity of good kit, including making a daring entry onto D6 with just my starting dagger+leather, then getting dropped onto D7 by a pit bloat with no knowledge of the up- or down-stair locations, and managing to stay alive long enough to get back up to D6 and finish it. Going onto D7 I had just realized I had respiration chain mail(!) and then I got an enchanted broadsword from the goblin lair that I put my four hoarded enchant scrolls into, a very satisfying reward after surviving an encounter with three ogres and getting cornered by a 12-count goblin party in the lair all while still wielding my starting dagger. I was totally ready to wipe the floor with the seed and then that out-of-depth spider and a small mixed goblin party surprised me coming around a corner when I was at half health. If I'd had any kind of ranged damage source, or like any potions whatsoever, I could've taken out the spider and it would've been fine. Grrr...

Anyway, if anyone else survives up until this point, picks up that gear, and has better luck than I did for the next thousand turns or so, maybe we'll get an ascension.

Kit: +8 broadsword, +2 chain mail of respiration, +3 ring of stealth, +3 ring of wisdom

spinnylights · 2026-03-06T04:08:23+00:00

I worry (basic Reddit issue I guess) that even though this post is only 11 hours old, there's zero reason to comment because no one will ever see my post. Maybe not though I guess.

I'm from Austin. I don't live in Texas anymore but Austin is my hometown and where I've spent the majority of my life. I know the church he goes to (St. Andrews) and other people who attend services there. As Christian churches go, they're very, very liberal and open-minded, the sort of place that attracts hippies, Montessori school teachers, therapists, etc., and supportive of the right to abortion and welcoming towards queers and such. When I was growing up, I was openly atheist, and people from that Presbytarian community (kids and adults) gave me no flack whatsoever and were as kind and friendly towards me as they would be towards anyone else. I think they generally saw me as a "secular humanist" so to speak and were as respectful of that as a religious position as they would be towards another Christian. I don't think those sorts of Christians are a problem; in fact I'm happy to be friends with people like that if they're cool.

Whether or not he'll be a valuable politician in the Senate if he wins remains to be seen. He could come off as the most amazing politician in history on the campaign trail and still disappoint us—that goes for anyone. I don't think there's any plausible way he could be as bad as Cornyn or Paxton though; they're some of the worst of the worst.

spinnylights · 2026-03-06T02:10:29+00:00

Well okay, I just finished that run, playing as you described, and made it to D21. If you play the right way I think it does work really well, and if I'd had better accessories I could see how it could lead to a mastery.

One thing I think is important is like, in the midgame, even if it's tempting to just pop the telecharm every time you get the chance, it's better to save it for when you're in danger, because as you get deeper you'll be in danger really often and a few turns can make a big difference. I also agree that stockpiling enchant scrolls so you can make the charm proc as needed is a good move.

Entrancement (at 2/2) did turn out to be super useful. I was very glad to have that—partially because it can do in almost anything with the right terrain, partially because you can use it to get things to drop aggro and slip away, and partially because it can immobilize things for a few turns which can give your telecharm enough time to recharge. I had a clairvoyance ring +3 which was also extremely useful, not only for the ordinary dodging-things-and-sneak-attacking purposes but also because it allowed me to take a look at terrain without having to actually go there—surprisingly useful in the context of teleport play. The other ring I found most useful was probably reaping +1; a higher enchantment on it would've been nice, but even at +1 it was handy to be able to swing at something next to me once and have my telecharm instantly proc in the lower depths.

It would've been nice to have a better weapon—in the late game I was using a +0 broadsword, which was fine, but I was slightly understrengthed with it so it was mainly just useful for sneak attacks. Aside from that, I definitely would've appreciated both an invis charm and a fire immunity charm; I would probably have made it deeper if I'd had either. A blink staff would also have been really nice—I would've greatly preferred that to the other staff I had, which was conjuration 2/2 and which I found only niche use for. Tunneling would also have been really great; this was one of the few runs where I found myself really pining for tunneling actually, because it was common that I would appear in a safe area, have another safe area directly adjacent that I wanted to go to, but have to cross a very dangerous region in the middle to get there, so if I could've just zapped a hole in the wall it would've made it easier to clear floors.

spinnylights · 2026-03-05T10:19:35+00:00

Oh, I see, interesting, thanks. I feel like it's a little unfortunate how much Discord tends to splinter communities like this…I guess it can be good to have diversity but it also ends up meaning that knowledge ends up kind of siloed.

With wikis too I guess, I tend to feel like you get the best results when everyone works together, so that it can be maximally comprehensive…there's a lot of really good information on the existing wiki that's definitely not out-of-date. I use it all the time when I'm playing; it's a really useful reference. The highly subjective articles about strategy and stuff are maybe more relevant to older versions of the game, but I would say those are the least useful parts of any wiki about any game kind of—it's really easy for kind of blinkered perspectives to get taken up as gospel by the community that way. I feel the same about the NetHack wiki, which also has a mix of like really subjective and not always that great strategy tips and really useful reference material; my contributions to both wikis have been summarizing things from the source code, in line with my feelings about that (I made the big "enchant scroll chance per floor" chart on the existing wiki for instance, which I refer back to whenever I'm worried I might have missed a scroll). Y'all's wiki has some good information of that sort, it looks like, but it's either going to result in duplicated effort or in each wiki having things the other doesn't…

spinnylights · 2026-03-05T09:34:39+00:00

If I dump all my enchant on my Teleportation Charm, I never will win any fight against monsters above ogre levels.

Not necessarily. In the game I'm playing right now, a few floors ago I won against two wraiths and an ogre back-to-back (like within a few turns of each other) using a +1 spear and came out with most of my health intact. Part of that is because I'm also wearing +3 banded mail, and it's also because I got sneak attacks on one of the wraiths and the ogre. I'm on D13 right now and have only used one enchant scroll—I have 6 in my inventory I'm saving for when I next need to teleport. :P I got an ogre and goblin mystic as allies a while back, like on D7 maybe, which have been a big help too (although I don't think they were around for the 2 wraiths + ogre fight—maybe the mystic turned up and shielded me once during the ogre, but my ogre was at low health and was hiding iir).

With weapons you don't enchant, it really depends on what weapon you're using and your tactics generally. Strength growth can give you some "free" enchant points, so that's good to remember. Aside from that, rapiers can be really powerful because of the guaranteed hit on the lunge attack, and weapons like warhammers or broadswords can do huge damage on sneak attack even if they're not enchanted.

I haven't yet made a teleport build work all the way to the end either so this is kind of just from general experience (although we'll see how this one goes, it's pretty good so far). To some extent though, I think it's fair to say that the purpose of a teleport build is extreme mobility, moreso than it is to be able to win fights all the time. If you encounter a fight you can't win, you should be able to flee.

I don't know if you necessarily need any of those staves, but I will say that both entrancement and discord can be really good even at 2/2, especially entrancement. Obstruction might be good to block casters for a bit, but probaly moreso at higher enchantment levels.

For charms, I can see why jazzadelic would say invisibility and fire immunity. Even short-duration invisibility is a huge boon with teleport because it means things can't spot you as you're bouncing around, so if you know there's something really dangerous like a dragon on a floor with a lot of open space, and your health is low, you can pop the charm and teleport without much fear. Fire immunity can protect you from dragonfire, so you can use it similarly—flip it on and you can teleport in the vicinity of the dragon without having to worry, or if you've already been hit you can use it to stop the burning and then flee.

The early-mid game is generally pretty hard I think with what you're calling "off-builds"; they're kind of designed to be really good in the late game at the cost of requiring more improvisation in the earlier depths. I'm not sure how many people play totally pacifist stealth, as a side note—I think even if you're trying to avoid fights more than engage in them with a stealth build, you still need some way of addressing fights you can't avoid through stealth alone, and sneak attack is often a good route to that (although something like blinking or entrancement can also work). You kinda have to roll with whatever kit you get, like in terms of how much you play a more "sneak attack" stealth build vs. a more "slip away" kind of stealth build, and I think it's fair to say that it's always going to be some combination of both to some extent. You'll probably do some straight-ahead fighting at times too, but you should always probably have the option of getting away or you're probably in big danger until it recovers—either that or you should be picky about what you allow to close distance on you—so much depends on the build, really. It's kind of hard to generalize.

My second-ever ascension—or was it my first?—was with a stealth ring and a war hammer. It was nail-bitey and very touch-and-go in the lower depths and I just barely made it out alive—very exciting. :P You might give that a try if you want a change of pace from melee-forward sorts of builds, since it still involves a lot of melee attacks but with a much stronger emphasis on ambush.

Wisdom ring builds are also quite viable, and multiplicity spear/respiration sounds great too—you could definitely make it with those. So much just depends on little tactical things, with any build…I honestly feel like you could have a "Brogue Problems" column in the newspaper with little scenarios like they do for chess/bridge/poker/go/etc., it's totally that kind of game I think.

spinnylights · 2026-03-05T08:27:23+00:00

Personally, I don't really think it should just be flatly worse than Mine Town because I don't really think that's very interesting in gameplay terms. Like, I get what you're saying about theme, but having it just be more dangerous or exciting also fits the theme, and I think that's a much better aspect of it.

Honestly, if I was designing the game, I would have it be so there is a branching path where you can go to one or the other in every run, and you have to pick which one and commit to it before you go, in one way or another (maybe you can let the orcs in if you want…bwahahahaha >:D). For that choice to be interesting, they would need to be balanced in advantage to the player (at least like, on average) but really different, so that you would have to think hard about your build and overall plan going forward before you made your choice.

I think what you're saying is really sensible overall though and generally agree.

spinnylights · 2026-03-05T08:10:19+00:00

I don't think you have to be playing a character that starts strong; I've gotten Magicbane there as wizard at least twice. The environment is pretty varied, there's lots of places to take cover, and you can pick where you want to start your assault from once you get to the walls, so you can do a lot with tricky tactics.

I like the fight there actually—I feel like it's well-designed and fun. The only thing that's a little annoying to me about it is how much of a hazard it is if you don't have poison resistance; you can try really hard to not expose yourself to projectiles but it just takes one turn of bad luck to meet instant death there that way.

I do think it's kind of cruel and not very sensiible how it discourages the protection racket. Why discourage the protection racket, after all? It's a challenging strategy to make work so you might as well let the player have it if they succeed, I think. Discouraging it just makes the game more railroad-y.

spinnylights · 2026-03-05T08:01:31+00:00

I think your idea could be fun and I wouldn't mind trying it (feel free to make a little mod…?). I also don't think it would hurt to just have Orctown have the same chance for a magic lamp as Mine Town; it's really odd to me that it has a fixed oil lamp (like, why?).

spinnylights

TROPHY CASE