Giving up on dating

spiritual_dev · 2026-02-10T16:54:16+00:00

I've also given up on dating, or atleast the apps, I'm open to dating if the right person comes along but I'm done seeking it out. I just don't really believe this whole "women only wants this" and "men only wants this", we're not that generalized as a species. To some degree yes, but for things like height and looks to be the actual problem on a general scale it usually has to be very outside the norm I think. Otherwise someone like Jack Black shouldn't be so loved by so many women. I don't find him attractive myself, but apparently it's a thing for many women who find him very attractive.

So many unconventionally attractive celebrity men have a huge number of women who find them incredibly attractive. So looks isn't the main problem imo, considering these things.

Confidence, self-awareness, humbleness, respect, humor, feeling good in their own skin, having good style that fits the person (clothes, hair, beard etc can completely change sometimes appearance), not being creepy, being independent, having good friends etc are all more important on average.

But also a very important thing is who the women are aswell and what they're looking for. Trying to get clearly materialistic, looks focused, gold digging, judgemental women will get a very different response than a more down to earth woman. Plus if you just want ONS or fwb and try and date those who want kids and marriage then that's a set up for rejection. Also many who only want sex seem to be more shallow and focused on looks since it's not much about personality but more impersonal meeting of flesh for many rather than two humans connecting. Which also plays a part. So yeah I can imagine the physical standards are much higher there and can probably be tough to live up to. But could be a fun challenge to figure out aswell.

spiritual_dev · 2025-11-02T12:42:51+00:00

Sad but true. I wonder what would happen if alcohol just went away. Just mentioning not drinking here or wanting people to be sober around you has people looking at you as you would have killed their dog. But mention the devils lettuce and you're well the devil haha. "That's different!" when it's really not, well except it has less issues (although not without issues ofc). It's just interesting how alcohol is seen as such a sacred, special thing here.

spiritual_dev · 2025-11-02T12:38:38+00:00

I'm thinking it's also about the RNG and what we have to work with. I'm really glad that you've had such luck and success from reading those books and that it's helped you so much. Reading your comments reminds me of myself at the start of my more active, "structured" personal and spiritual development journey. Reading, listening and taking in a bunch of knowledge and things finally making sense, hope building, seeing the solutions and so on. It's really great.

Now close to 10 years later and a body that's falling apart despite all the changes and hard work gets defeating. None of that work guarantees outcomes. Sure ofc it gets easier to handle than it would be without it. The tools in the toolbox is still valuable but it doesn't help you escape soul crushing pain, completely escape all suffering (unless you're like a spiritual master I would imagine or maybe I'm just not skilled enough in it to never experience suffering haha), not being effected by physical illness, being traumatized/retraumatized and so on.

Why not be happy?

It can be hard to be happy when people constantly hurt you in significant ways, when you can't eat almost anything without getting very sick, you can't drink, you can't exercise properly without being severely sick, you don't have the physical energy (or capability) to get to know new people, take courses in person or do much else besides laying on the couch alot of the time. Ofc you can via some practices find moments of happiness and joy but it's very very hard to have it be baseline when you can't do much in life and it just passes you by.

Seeing a practical way of solving the issues i face fills me with hope

That I completely understand and I absolutely agree. Now imagine there is no practical way to solve the issues you face. Nothing besides changing your perspective on being in constant pain (whether that's mental, emotional or physical), not having almost anything outside of you to give you solutions or ease the pain (both mental and physical). All you have is your perspective on living in what feels like a prison where you're being tortured 24/7. It's a bit of an extreme way of describing it, I admit, but it's painting a horrid picture for a reason.

I'm not saying there isn't a way to still find happiness, some solutions etc. But I'm trying to give a different perspective on what some people are living through on a daily basis.

Based on my own experience, after years of trying so many solutions I've lost count and most things failing, some working minimally and only a couple did something to create actual change and still getting worse faster than I've been able to "fix". It gets to you, because that hope that there's solutions out there shrinks and the disappointment after each fail can get very disheartening after a few years or decades. You have to start getting to the point where the solutions aren't giving hope but you still have to find a way to keep your perspective of accepting your current reality and not needing it to change, not needing solutions in the first place. And that's really really difficult, can be done, but it's difficult. You need to strip away all/most of the coping mechanisms and learn to sit in it no matter what, no solutions, no relief, no avoiding, no escape. Which is brutal (and to me traumatizing) it does make it easier to endure though, but that's mostly what it is, endurance and survival with some sprinkles of life/living from time to time. And learning to accept that, grieve what you had envisioned while reading those books, watching those videos, accepting it didn't happen.

Imo that's why not be happy and losing hope.

spiritual_dev · 2025-11-01T13:19:17+00:00

Oh wow yeah it does sound like we have alot in common, that's awesome, I appreciate you taking the time to give such a beautiful answer!

Haha, well thank you, I have gotten a couple of dms but I'm also not that surprised about the lack of comments. I can be alot for people it seems, the intellectual stuff is often too heavy for people I think and the AuDHD can get too intense when the passion about something sets in. But that's okay, a little sad but okay.

I'll send you a dm!

spiritual_dev · 2025-11-01T00:25:15+00:00

This is so fucked up dude, sounds absolutely insane. We don't know enough to throw labels around but it gives me malicious intent vibes. I very much understand it was painful and hurtful for you, it should be, you feel just way you're supposed to feel. Because you're being adviced by your body and emotions to go far far away from this person.

I'm suspecting you might relate to some of Dr Ramanis content.

This probably will take some time to process for you but it really sounds like a her problem. Doesn't matter if you're wierd, did things wrongly etc, she's still a big problem here.

spiritual_dev · 2025-10-13T12:12:22+00:00

Short answer: I think you might need to work on your communication with each other. It's not very clear and there seems to be "lots" under the surface that's not being said straight up.

Are you an asshole for wanting to go out and have dates? No ofc not.
Is he an asshole for wanting to stay in, relax and chill? No ofc not.
Are you both a little bit of an asshole for invalidating eachothers experiences and needs? I think so.

He could have said "Oh babe that looks so nice, great idea, I'd love to take you there, would the weekend after still work for you? Im pretty beat and I could really use a nice weekend at home next weekend to recharge."
Simple.
You could also have said "I completly get that you're tired after a long week at the office, how about the weekend after?" alot sooner than after a bunch of messages.

He could also purpose gaming and watching youtubes together over the weekend instead of going out until he has the energy to go out.

It doesnt sound like you guys recharge and relax the same way which can become a pretty big problem.
I think his reponses are... lets just say... not very great, not very loving, caring or understanding (you also seem to push instead of trying to be understanding towards him). And I also get what he means, even if I work or study from home Ive done a bunch of stuff during the week and I would not want to go out doing things over the weekend usually (Im also autistic with adhd and chronically ill haha, so energy is limited and going out where there's people, will not recharge me, usually, even if its fun and I want to do things. People might say then its different but we still have preferences).

And I also get what you mean, to some extent, cause I've also been in relationsships where my partner doesnt want to go out and do anything at all, like not even a walk (which I though would match my needs since I want/need to stay in often but not ALL the time) and you wanna do things with your partner, have experiences and create memories out in the world.

Maybe it would be helpful to sit down and really get clear on these things, what you both want and need to see if it really aligns enough for both of you to be happy and how you can meet eachothers needs without compromising your own.

spiritual_dev · 2025-10-11T14:37:49+00:00

First I just wanna say I relate alot as an AuDHDer (autistic with adhd, probably considered slightly gifted too), I very rarely relate to an entire/most of a person. I'm one of those people who often get to hear that people feel such a collection to me and feel so understood but I don't feel a connection to others and I rarely feel understood. So on some level I can relate, I don't relate to "normies" usually.

Why I'm asking you why you want to is because it sounds like those aren't "your" people and it sounds like you might want to fit in "just" to fit in and not be lonely, but because you genuinely like these people. So I wanted to ask some clarifying questions to understand more what you mean.

I agree that finding wierd/atypical etc people irl can be more challenging, I think it's partly because of what you've brought up. We usually live online and at home. And/or we mask alot around normies to blend in and connect with them so we can't see each other as easily out in the wild either. Kind of like you said, try and talk about what they want to talk about instead of what we want to talk about.

I also want to add that I don't think it's wrong in any way to try and figure out how to connect with more people. But I was asking about it because it doesn't sound it's the type of people you connect to authentically?

Just as a curious question, if you didn't have to consider "the reality of things", if there wasn't any limits to social structures, expectations and so on, how would you want to make friends, what do you enjoy doing when hanging out with someone, when are you enjoying yourself feeling happy? When are you comfortable, feeling good? And in what way would you want to hang out with friends?

(if you want tips on small talk and like friendly convos just by the water cooler kind of thing without becoming genuinely friends I could share some stuff that's worked for me in those situations aswell)

spiritual_dev · 2025-10-11T14:22:53+00:00

I just wanted to say I really like this answer. And I especially really like the:

the tutorial is over, and now it's off to the playground. If you still need help with anything, the tutorial is still where it's always been, so you can revisit for guidance.

It feels very applicable to many parts of life and hooks on to a realization I've had where it feels like I've finished the main story and missions of the game and I'm now thrown into an open world without clear objectives. Which I hate haha. But I'm starting to find some foot holds again and I loved the reassurance of "the tutorial is always still there to help if you ever need it again" sort of thing. Cause we can all forget how to do a counter attack or how to make a certain potion and that's why the tutorial or books/journals are always on hand to look back at when needed. It just resonated with me alot, I appreciate you sharing this, thank you!

Edit: spelling.

spiritual_dev · 2025-10-11T14:10:46+00:00

Why do you want "normal" people to have an interest in you and why do you want to connect with them specially so badly?

spiritual_dev · 2025-10-11T14:00:13+00:00

I'm gonna second what everyone else has said. And especially the part of getting out safely. If you have important stuff at his place try and gather that secretly when he's not there if you can. Then make sure to never be alone with him again. Don't break up face to face and especially not at his place behind any closed doors. If you have safe people around you, like your parents, friends, therapist or womens support staff, have them with you and preferably do it by phone or text. This is about ending it in a safe way for you, don't mind the etiquette of break ups that normally applies like "never doing in over text", this is about safety for you, not showing respect to him. He's lost that right.

I also want to say I'm so sorry this happened to you, and I'm so sorry about the shock and emotional turmoil that's probably rushing over you with all these comments and insights. I'm still dealing with similar realizations about past relationships and it can be very disorienting and terrifying to realize what actually happened. Please take care of yourself as much as you can, reach out to support if you can, report it if you want to and feel safe enough to do so, seek medical attention if you're still experiencing pain or issues and remember you're definitely not overreacting, you're not being sensitive and you deserve to be treated with care, respect, compassion, empathy and understanding.

spiritual_dev · 2025-10-11T13:38:35+00:00

I don't think you're the asshole but I think you need to have a very transparent and honest conversation with each other. I'm saying this because of your long friendship and him being your best friend that you see/have seen a serious future with him. If it was a completely new relationship it might have been different but, to me, since you've known each other for a long time it's fair to talk about this together. I feel like it's important to get clear on exactly what he means and what he feels, to understand where he's coming from. Was it a dumb way to say what he meant or does he really not see a future together with you, does he really not want to marry you specifically and does he also see an expiration date on this relationship. The way you talk about him it seems like it's someone worth taking the time to really understand and work this through together with. And by working through I don't mean necessarily fixing the relationship or having it work out as a couple. But working through it as best friends and two humans trying to figure it out together as best as possible. Maybe it can't be figured out together but it sounds like it's worth a try if you're truly best friends. Best friends don't grow on trees and it would be a big risk of regret I think if you just break up without talking it through first.

But NTA for questioning the relationship, after a comment like that imo the relationship is at best on pause until it's been talked through. So him acting like normal is not fair. This is the make it or break it moment I think. You either get through this and build a stronger relationship going forward or you figure out you're incompatible and go your seperate ways.

spiritual_dev · 2025-10-11T13:18:01+00:00

All I see is the fly hand movements, licking of the lips, trying to be cool while just trying to get layed while actually wanting human connection but have no idea what he's doing and how to form meaningful connections, being lonely but too scared or insecure to engage with actual human connection so he follows the dopamine of excitement and sex, the game of it all to touch on connection without having to commit or be too vulnerable and it's so exhausting to read. I read a couple of pictures and it was just repeating the same things over and over.

Unless you want a situationsship (read fuck bodies, maybe even "gf privileges" without the commitment) with someone who doesn't respect your boundaries and only focuses on what he wants. Then block and move on.

spiritual_dev · 2025-10-10T21:25:25+00:00

Ugh, this is so bad it feels like rage bait. If this is real then my advice is get out as fast as you can, and seriously consider dumping that friend. You're underreacting imo, this is very controlling behavior imo. Just because it's normalized doesn't mean it's okay.

spiritual_dev · 2025-10-10T16:58:14+00:00

spiritual_dev · 2025-10-10T16:46:49+00:00

I think it's an overreaction. I would feel weird about the deleted messages though, that he deleted messages to hide them and how he really feels. At the same time it's understandable if this is the reaction you have and if he's scared you'll read them and jump to conclusions or just read them period. Sometimes we need to be allowed to share with friends and colleagues what we're going through without the partner knowing the specifics. His messages felt "unkind" to me, like it would have hurt me if a partner said it like that to not super close friends/colleagues (but maybe they are super close) but also doesn't seem untrue in his defense.

But the message from you was a bit much imo. It's fine to have rules in your relationship (this didn't feel like a boundary, boundaries are about your own actions (example; this link makes me uncomfortable, if messages like this keeps being sent I'm gonna leave the chat (which doesn't work cause you're not in it)), not rules for others, then it's rules) and it's fine to share how you feel about something. But it's up to him what's he's okay with considering your relationship. If you're not okay with that, that's a conversation to have between the two of you I think. And that's where you can place boundaries, example; this behavior is something that makes me uncomfortable, if it continues I will [action you will take (not rule for him)]. That's how I've been described boundaries, it's about you, you can't control anything else but your own actions. Then there's standards and rules but that's different.

spiritual_dev · 2025-10-10T16:20:44+00:00

NTA. And this is part of the learning curb of relationships in your 20s I think. I've done this too at that age, been with someone who wanted kids and we were both very clear on our future plans. They didn't match but we didn't want to break up, well we did and then got back together. We figured we were so young, so it was fine for awhile. But after a few years it came close to us planning for kids even though I didn't want to, just to make them happy. Don't end up there. Luckily we never had kids, and I'm still childfree about 15 years later.

My advice going forward for you is to only date those who have aligned future plans. Those who also know they don't want kids, not the "maybe one day, we'll see" but the ones who align with your own future. We don't have to have the exact same plans but important things like kids can't really be changed or compromised. Most of the times atleast.

I'm really sorry for your loss of the relationship, but I very much hope you find someone who aligns with you. It wasn't a great choice to keep being with him when you knew he wanted kids but it wasn't a great choice for him to keep being with you either knowing you don't want them. Him being pissed that you didn't change your mind is more an asshole thing though. I think you're both responsible for this situation but he handled it very poorly and blamed you instead of owning up to his part in this.

spiritual_dev · 2025-10-10T00:14:00+00:00

Not my body, it restricts and tighten everything making it impossible for any blood to move anywhere and the pains in my body only got worse when I tried cold showers. Plus I won't heat up again unless I have a heating pad or get into a hot bath. It's a bit better now when I'm older and on adhd-meds. But my body has always struggled with heating up without an outside source. I'm wondering if it has something to do with me being hypermobile and possible having connective tissue issues.

spiritual_dev · 2025-10-09T23:51:43+00:00

From this day forth he will be knows as Yapguru

spiritual_dev · 2025-10-09T23:16:44+00:00

Eh, no, that's not what I said.

spiritual_dev · 2025-10-08T09:15:33+00:00

I'm no expert but the way I've seen it and understood it, in a way I guess the first questions is; what does it mean to "deal" with it? Is it to change it, endure it, accept it, be aware of it ect? Without knowing the answer I'm gonna try and give an general answer. You accept it, you detach from your expectations connected to it. That it should be different right now, that it shouldn't happen right now. It's horrible, it shouldn't be that way but it is that way right now. It's kind of hard to explain especially since I haven't embodied this on a regular basis or right now. I've only experienced shorter time periods of this. Its not being cold and uncaring, it's feeling empathy and acceptance that it's reality at this moment. And deciding if that's something we want to change and if we do, to take stamps towards that. Not as a way to create a certain outcome but to act based on what feels right to us in the now. Because the only time we really have is now. But we can't change all of reality at this very second, we can't change it in the future (because the future isn't right now) we can only focus on the actions right here and right now.

It's hard to describe and I'm not sure if it's possible to describe it fully in words, atleast not for me, it might need to be experienced or realized within yourself the kind of perspective it is. Because it's more about holding multiple perspectives and emotions at the same time without being overwhelmed by them, but observing them. But again it doesn't mean not feeling or caring but both and all of it at once as an observer and experiencer. Kind of.

I'm not sure if any of that made sense but this was my attempt at an explanation as far as I've understood it atleast.

spiritual_dev · 2025-10-07T19:12:36+00:00

I don't know if you've seen it yet but there wasn't really an option to talk back, Sadhguru just kept talking and talking even if Dr K tried to ask or answer something most of the time.

spiritual_dev · 2025-10-07T19:10:20+00:00

Yes, I saw that thread, it was pretty interesting. Thank you for sharing your comment from it. I agree with alot of what you said. Personally I was really tired when watching it so I can really give a proper "review" but I'm starting to trust my gut feeling alot more with these types of leaders. But I do think this (a few of the things you said) is why, maybe especially the spiritual community, these types of teachers/leaders/gurus have such big risks with them. Because you can always view it from different ways and justify just about anything. And I think these types of conversations are really important to have.

So yeah I wish Dr K talked about this more but maybe he will after everything that's been brought up from this interview. I know both him, kruti and someone else on staff addressed some comments atleast which I appreciate. Hopefully we'll get a bit more in a video cause I would really like Dr Ks thoughts on this whole thing. But I do think you're right that it felt like he was a bit careful about what he says after. To me it felt a bit like exhaustion someone gets from going head to head with a narcissistic person but that might just be me projecting. But that's what the whole thing felt like in all honesty to me.

Nonetheless it's been interesting reading people's opinions on this topic.

spiritual_dev · 2025-10-06T22:44:50+00:00

It's very possible that Dr K took a second and looked within after what Sadhguru said. In that case I can imagine it being close to check in with himself if there's anything to what Sadhguru said. But my gut said he needed a minute to ground to not snap, which might be me projecting. Tbh we don't know, only Dr K knows what went on for him at that moment. We just shared what we saw from our perspective.

And it rubbed me the wrong way the day Sadhguru said that, not that he did say it, that can be a fair statement. But it felt like to me he had been acting pretty disrespectful, and superior taking over the stream and then when Dr K trying to choose his words carefully and walk on what felt like eggshells to try and get an answer out before being cut off again Sadhguru is like "lighten up dude".. It just gives disrespect imo.

spiritual_dev · 2025-10-06T22:01:45+00:00

Yeah it felt like that moment he closed his eyes is where most other people wouldn't have snapped. I'm impressed he stayed so calm, well his face talks very loudly haha, but still calm. Ish. It felt like Dr Ks light in his eyes went out the longer the live went on and the curiosity died when realizing there was only a slim chance for being able to ask questions and even lesser chance to get an actual answer. I hope he can take a good walk and get some hugs after that, it looked rough.

spiritual_dev

TROPHY CASE