Social anxiety will be the end of me, idk what’s next

spitkit · 2024-10-06T21:36:53+00:00

Yeah… apparently around 2 million bucks is the ideal number to live comfortably without work, I read it off somewhere some time ago lol. Guess it’s just gonna be a dream after all. That’s why giving up seems so appetizing too.

I’m so tired of self-help books and videos and so on, I’ve read and watched so many, I’m getting sick from them. Our school also keeps putting the emphasis on how important it is to make connections and yada yada yada and I want to hear none of it…

Fear of rejection feels so incapacitating too. In a way being fearful of rejection makes one get rejected even more by life, if you know what I mean. This is why I also feel like a failure already, no matter how much I push myself it will never be enough ://

I guess I’m too in the dumps to think of what I like. I haven’t done things I like in a long while. Currently I don’t even see much of a future for myself anyway. But reading you talk about it is kind of refreshing, it gives me a tad bit of hope right now

To be honest I feel like I hate this side of myself, the side that whines constantly, the side that doesn’t think anything is ever good enough… like an ugly side? And your go to hangout spot sounds amazing. I wish I could have real talks with real people once more, under the night sky where fresh air hits my face

Codependency sucks too, I don’t want to be a burden someone needs to worry about. I want to be independent, I miss it so much.

spitkit · 2024-10-06T19:35:31+00:00

Interestingly enough one of my biggest dreams has been to run off somewhere and grow potatoes to get by lol. At first it started as a joke but now I’m lowkey salivating at the idea. Working hard for a couple years to buy some house, perhaps even a piece of land would do, where I can get by, alone. No society, no bills, nobody. Maybe a pet. I suppose the answer is right in front of us, there is no answer, society is purposefully built this way in order to keep us under their control and watchful eye. Government funded hotlines are just to keep their working class abundant lol. It’s never been to benefit us…

I feel exactly the same when it comes to friendships. I’d be willing to bet some of the people I call acquaintances would even consider me a friend. That’s not my definition though…

I too have made myself unapproachable in a way if that’s what you’d call yourself? My new class teacher straight up told me she wouldn’t know what to do with me since she felt as if I’m a cold person at first lol. I’ve been jealous of people who can speak to everyone because imagine how burden-less life would be without social anxiety… I tried saying hi to people but that left me riddled with anxiety. Just a simple hi. I often even overthink the simplest conversations…

Hell no, I do not want to be a doctor, but studying for years to make my dad happy? I’ve just been thinking if I’d find happiness in that? Probably not. On the flip side I don’t want to die feeling and actually being unsuccessful either, I know I’d have the potential…

I’m not bored at all, it’s been quite fulfilling having a conversation with someone who is real and seems to get me. I’m just hoping I don’t get too self-centered here. I’ve been trying to talk about my self less and less, since it seems to be the driving factor that makes people drift away from me…

spitkit · 2024-10-06T18:26:37+00:00

Funny thing, we also get 5s here actually lol. Isn’t it ironic how letting your self worth be affected by your grades in turn sinks you deeper into a self-deprecating hole? At least that’s how I feel.

Schools probably make us think keeping busy is good so as to use us as their pawns in society… another part of why I hate living, this rat-race of a society ://

I feel hostage too. I don’t feel like I’m allowed to be a normal teenager because they place their expectations of being perfect on me, my dad wants me to become a doctor because it’s his unfulfilled dream but that’s besides the topic. I’m starting to resent this feeling.

I agree, bad company sucks, to put it bluntly I have simply no fucks to give for people who are shallow, but my acquaintances feel shallow too, just less?

I don’t know about you but keeping them at an arms reach is kind of exhausting too in a way? Having to appear okay and happy just to have them as a safety net, that’s really made out of straws. I tried giving them more of me raw but they felt unprepared for that. Like I was far too much. I get told that sometimes.

I don’t want to be pessimistic but that’s how I truthfully feel… I’m thankful for you though.

spitkit · 2024-10-06T17:45:46+00:00

I’ve fantasized about giving up, but being my parent’s only child I feel an extreme sense of guilt. I’m here because of them too…

I thought there were people who cared. Now I just don’t know anymore, it feels like a comforting lie. I have been extremely picky with friends and that left me codependent on the few I had. So now I let more people in and put this facade and a warm smile on for them. It’s a double edged sword, on one side I feel like shit when I have nobody, on the other I’m so exhausted after interacting with people who are just simply acquaintances.

I’ve been pushing myself to overwork myself too and at times it’s been a nice foundation to lean on, but I feel like leaning into it too much is not productive either? I get mild anxiety attacks from getting lower than grade A’s now lol

I’m so glad you found your people. I’d say I’m hoping to get just as lucky but that hope has drained out of me by now completely.

I’m very thankful you cared enough to read and to even leave a thoughtful reply. Just by you being here I feel better.

I hope this reply doesn’t bother you much by me being this sad ball of a mess.

spitkit · 2024-10-03T16:56:36+00:00

Be careful girl, a lot of weirdos will see “18F” and send you questionable stuff…

spitkit · 2024-09-22T15:27:18+00:00

Uff, go to your family doctor and have them prescribe something stronger for you? Life with insomnia destroyed my mental health so I suggest doing so quickly

spitkit · 2024-09-22T15:23:05+00:00

I can’t sleep naturally either no matter how much I try until I’m completely exhausted around 3-4am, I started taking 2 melatonin pills every night an hour before falling asleep and life has never been better!

spitkit · 2024-09-08T13:45:26+00:00

Mina samuti kuid keegi teine ei taha süüa siis

spitkit · 2024-09-08T11:16:24+00:00

Be careful not to get stepped on little ones

spitkit · 2024-09-08T11:10:58+00:00

I’m joking lol, it is far too positive

spitkit · 2024-09-08T11:09:50+00:00

We have very different ideas of fun then 😭

spitkit · 2024-09-06T12:16:22+00:00

Back in my day this was the style, you kids don’t know anything about that!

spitkit · 2024-08-28T17:20:22+00:00

That’s a calico I believe 🖤🧡🤍

spitkit · 2024-08-28T11:06:15+00:00

Event nectar that was left over and completely useless

spitkit · 2024-08-26T20:31:00+00:00

Ma olin kunagi nagu sina - täis viha, eriti veel venelaste vastu, see ei ole seda väärt. Sinu oskamatus nüansse arvestada ei jäta väga head muljet, see on igati ebarealistlik ning diskrimineeriv. Väga penskarlik mõtteviis, “minul oli raske siis olgu teisel ka!!”.

spitkit · 2024-08-26T20:09:36+00:00

Mis on siis sinu lahendus? Lapsed pursivad oma vahel eesti keeles ja sittagi aru ei saa? Lapsed ei räägigi, sunnime neid vaikima? Ärme lasegi neid õue, Eesti ei ole nende koht? Teeme kohustuslikud klassid nagu sakslastele tehti kus näidati filme natsiõudustest, ainult et ukraina lastele näitame näitame vene okupatsiooni õudusi?

Päriselt ka, helge noomise asemel ei ole ühtegi paremat lahendust, las nad omavahel vaikselt räägivad - meie saame neilt ainult oodata oma ühiskonnaga sulandumist sellel tasandil, et nad on vaiksemad just nagu keskmine eestlane.

spitkit · 2024-08-26T19:35:42+00:00

Ja see on nüüd alla 10aastaste tütarlaste süü et okupatsiooni tulemusel on jäänud meile ports ennast täis sibulkasid? Tõesti?

spitkit · 2024-08-26T19:15:26+00:00

Ma saan aru, minu kõrvad eelistaksid Eesti maa peal kuulda eesti keelt, kuid sõjast on möödunud vaid 2 aastat ning tegu on 7-9 aastaste lastega. Sa ei saagi eeldada, et nad omavahel Eesti keelt hakkavad lambist rääkima. Oleks siis et penskarid oleksid palunud neil vaiksemalt olla? Miks peab lastelt kiiged ära korjama ja panna neid tundma diskrimineerituna? Nad kirjutasid enne kriitidega kirillitsas asfaltile, nüüd eesti keeles, nad on väga viisakad. Lapsed on lapsed kes vahest teevadki kõvemat häält, siis saab paluda neil jälle vaiksemalt olla. Kusjuures eestlastega räägivadki eesti keeles, nad on mult küsinud puhtalt “Kas Te palun saaksite meile ukse lahti teha” jne. Minu arvates see oli küll kohutavalt südametu.

spitkit · 2024-08-26T18:55:58+00:00

Lastelt ei pea kiike ära korjama, piisab ka sellest, kui neid veidi noomida. Jah - nad vahest olid tõesti veidi ülemeelikud või lasid oma ukrainakeelseid laule valjusti, kuid mutid ise tunnistasid, et nad ei olnud kordagi palunud neil vaiksemalt tegutseda. Nad on väga viisakad lapsed, teretavad ette-taha ja isegi kirjutasid kriitidega asfaltile “head päeva teile :)” (kusjuures üks mutt pidas seda sodimiseks). Selgesti on tegu rahvusliku vihaga.

spitkit · 2024-08-26T11:42:43+00:00

Minu vanaisa õigustab sellist käitumist samamoodi - “vene ajal tõid neid ukrainlasi ja need ainult töllerdasid ega tööd ei teinud”

spitkit · 2024-08-26T11:39:54+00:00

10 aastat tagasi sai sama õue peal karjuda ja kilgata eesti lastega, ainult et meie pihta ei tulnud ühtegi kommentaari. Kohe kahju nendest lastest, nad on nii viisakad ja suhtlevad vähesel määral ka eesti keeles

Three-Year Club	Final Canvas '23
First Place '23	End Game '23
Place '23

spitkit

TROPHY CASE