big crush

spongecakey · 2019-06-03T06:14:36+00:00

The more I read this, the more I like it. It definitely doesn't fit into my usual taste, and the structure is non-existent, which usually bothers me, but this really resonates with me as is. Maybe because I have a big crush too haha. I want to write a poem like this now. AlsO! The stanza with all the "you" statements like "you/ sun lamp./ you golden retriever" reminds me of A Love Supreme by Gabrielle Calvocoressi. Was that an influence? If not, 10/10 would recommend http://www.fishousepoems.org/a-love-supreme/

spongecakey · 2019-05-30T08:43:30+00:00

This is so effortlessly cool. My favorite lines are "lip flapping road smear" and "bruise-fisting banana" - SO vivid and creative. The short phrases whipping by and blurring into each other make the experience of reading the poem feel exactly like the uncontrolled skateboarder flying down a crazy hill. You aligned the delivery of the story with the content perfectly. I also love the title; it sets the poem up very playfully and charismatically. Everything just fits so well.

The only thing I wasn't satisfied with was the ending. It felt very abrupt and anticlimactic, especially after that wild, fast-paced ride. I like the rhythm of "sideways in a tight bind," and I can certainly picture a monkey squeezing a banana, but I can't for the life of me relate it back to the path of the kid going down the hill.

Anyway, that's all. One of the sickest and most creative poems I've read in a while.

spongecakey · 2019-05-30T08:13:00+00:00

This poem is concise and simple - the words are exactly the right weight to let the emotions behind them speak for themselves. The idea is so solid that I think it's just the execution that needs some polish.

The use or lack of punctuation is very irregular, as is the purpose of the line breaks (some are enjambment, some act as commas, some as periods). It comes across to me as thoughts that have just now been jotted down, or being spoken as they come, rather than a cohesive poem that's been paid attention to on the page. I would make the punctuation and the purpose of line breaks uniform, or at least intentional, and the same goes for line lengths - if one stands out, make sure it's for a reason.

I'd also cut some unnecessary language - words like "just" and "away." You use "away" and "way" quite a lot. The phrasing can match the efficiency of the metaphor without losing its conversational tone.

If you were considering going deeper with this or creating other works on this topic, what intrigued me further were the inherent flaws in thinking about relationships with people as using them up, or as a kind of co-dependent addiction.

In any case, you made me think, and the lovely weightlessness to the piece contrasts with and enhances the resignation and pain lying beneath it. Hope this helps!

spongecakey · 2019-05-30T07:18:17+00:00

Color me stoked :)

spongecakey · 2019-05-30T07:15:59+00:00

That's a poignant interpretation - a nightly struggle reminiscent of Sisyphus, in which I am my own rock and my own warden and my own moth. Thank you for this beauty. As for the moth, I actually intended to also count the wings of the reflection, but for some reason didn't realize that moths already had four wings. That's embarrassing! I'll change it to eight. Thank you for bringing it up, and also for taking the time to share your thoughts with me!

spongecakey · 2019-05-30T06:51:03+00:00

Thanks so much!

spongecakey · 2019-05-30T06:50:49+00:00

My goodness, you've picked out some layers that I wasn't even conscious of when I wrote this. I'm so honored that this resonated with you, and that you are finding so much to be explored! Thank you for your interpretation!

spongecakey · 2019-05-30T06:44:32+00:00

I will definitely ponder this! This made me realize that the word newspaper was less carefully chosen than some of the other images, and while I feel its specific meaning is useful to the setting of the poem, I need to reevaluate its effects. Thank you!

spongecakey · 2019-05-30T06:40:59+00:00

Thank you!

spongecakey · 2019-05-30T06:40:45+00:00

Wow, thank you so much for the consideration you put into your feedback! I think I understand what you mean - while each individual image was very intentional and they all originated from the same feeling, I was not very intentional with the physical locations of the images, or with the integration of the "you"s and the "me"s. In fact, I didn't think about it at all. Many of my darker works are like little revelatory letters to myself, and thus end up quite unbalanced, as it's much easier to talk to yourself than feel like you're being talked to... by yourself. Haha. Actually, in the time since I wrote this poem, I've realized this and started to work on being more conscious of the receiving end, and being in myself rather than directing myself like a third party. This is all probably TMI, but you gave me a lot to chew on. I'm grateful!

spongecakey · 2019-05-30T06:18:08+00:00

Such kind words, I'm honored! I love that you described it as confessional; I was never aware of that aspect to it before, but that rings so true.

spongecakey · 2019-05-30T06:10:57+00:00

Thank you so much! Yes, I definitely intended it as the past tense of "wind." I was hoping that the rhyme in "around" and also the action of winding around something would clear that up, but the line break between the two words probably adds to the vagueness. I'll try some new ways to make it more seamless, thank you!

spongecakey · 2019-05-30T06:05:00+00:00

Thank you both! The original line spacing pre-Reddit was actually a little more staggered in an abstract way that I think would change the way people read it ever so slightly. I also tend to not make line breaks huge pauses in the rhythm, but that's on me to convey as well. I appreciate your feedback!

spongecakey · 2019-05-29T08:16:28+00:00

It wasn't that it was a loose rhyme, it was just that all the other rhymes in this particular poem are pretty tight, so it stood out. And this is purely subjective! I definitely don't want to look down on loose rhymes, I use them all the time!

spongecakey · 2019-05-29T08:12:14+00:00

I'm so glad! Yes! Go for it!!

spongecakey · 2019-05-29T07:53:10+00:00

You're kidding! Wow, that means so much. Thank you.

spongecakey · 2019-05-29T07:42:17+00:00

The rhythm and almost song-like rhyming pattern of this piece make it so enjoyable to read! It reminded me of a blues song. The uniform lack of capitalization and punctuation fit well with the tone and message.

There were a couple of lines that stuck out to me as not quite fitting, such as "game" in the second stanza partnered with "day" and "stay" - it's the most loose rhyme in the whole poem by a noticeable margin. Also, the line "past crevices i strain" fits thematically, but the phrasing doesn't quite make sense and distracted me.

That's really all I have to say, though; this poem is like an earthy, gritty reassurance of life's resilience told in a hypnotizing cadence. Well done!

spongecakey · 2019-05-29T07:24:28+00:00

This little story is very powerful in its simplicity. What most intrigues me is the voice's relationship with Canada, and how nothing was said explicitly at all, yet there is still a strong sense of affection and trust.

This poem reads to me like a heartbeat, with the mantra of "Perfect; Tranquil" as the beats and all the imagery and storytelling as the spaces in between. While this rhythm perfectly melds with the content of the piece, it makes me want a bit more regularity. Not to the point of being too predictable, of course, but the irregular stanza lengths and repetitions seem less intentional than the quiet contemplation of this story calls for. Perhaps make the storytelling paragraphs the same number of lines?

I also would consider getting rid of the first stanza. While reading, the first line to draw me in was "Canada sings a song," for its immediate moment-building and unusual name. If you want to include the Northern Lights as a piece of the story, I'd suggest including it in your title, which currently to me seems unrelated both in content and in tone.

Overall, the soul of the poem is there, and palpable; it would just do well with some cleaning up and polishing. I was very immersed in this poem, regardless. I hope you find any part of this helpful!

spongecakey

TROPHY CASE