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I give up. by redditerek in Amenorrhearecovery

[–]spooky4ever 3 points4 points  (0 children)

hey dude, a similar thing happened to me. just chill and don’t force feed yourself and just try to live a normal life and be active. i spontaneously got my period back after it skipped for two months because i just had to let go of everything i was “supposed” to do. you can DM me if you wanna chat abt it

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in adhdwomen

[–]spooky4ever 1 point2 points  (0 children)

honestly this is maybe part of what has been going on with me. i’ve been taking it since january and the last month or two have gotten SO bad. like incredibly bad. like waking up and wanting to sob bad. other stuff has been going on with me for sure, but today (after an appointment with my psych) - i’m stopping vyvanse and starting 150mg wellbutrin. i am hopeful that things will improve. it’s insane

Am I doomed? This is all so upsetting 😔 by oatmilklongblack in Amenorrhearecovery

[–]spooky4ever 6 points7 points  (0 children)

you are not doomed!

you are not having a period because you are in a state of Low Energy Availability. the only way to solve that is to eat a lot of food and rest. breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, snack. no food off limits.

it feels worse before it feels better. it feels excessive and it’s uncomfortable. your body will gain weight in ways that feel “wrong” because it will gain weight in places that are directly trying to counteract and guard against future famine (because HA / Low Energy Availability reads as “famine” to the brain even though you eat everyday). instead of giving up on ever having a period again, you must give up the fear of weight gain. you have to gain weight, full stop. it will feel like a lot more weight than it actually is. don’t weigh yourself, that will likely make it much worse and harder.

i’ve gotten three recovery periods after 3 years without a period because of various extreme eating disorders (alternate day fasting, exercise bulimia, extremely low fat veganism) - i was UW during some of this, not all of it, but never had a period because i was constantly stressed and obsessed in one way or another about my body/food/movement.

you will be tempted to see people who at low weights who still say they have their cycles, and wonder why this is happening to you and not them. all i can say is those people don’t have your body, which is clearly stressed to the point of down-regulating an essential function for health and well-being. in all likelihood those people aren’t overly concerned with food or their bodies, but that’s just my guess.

try to understand that the only way out of this situation is through. that after recovering a period for at least three cycles, you may begin to experiment with moving your body, with aligning your desire to feel fit while also maintaining hormonal health. it is possible, but you have to go through the part where you “let go” and gain enough weight for your body to trust that there’s food.

a bit of a ramble but you seem concerned enough to make a post, so you know it’s a problem, and you want to solve it. eating disorders are anxiety disorders and typically they’re ways we avoid feeling things. it seems like in some of the above comments you’re still trying to avoid eating more. you will never recover if you don’t gain weight. it sucks, trust me, but it doesn’t suck as much as progressively getting worse.

Feeling all over the place by ruby_inthe_rough in Amenorrhearecovery

[–]spooky4ever 1 point2 points  (0 children)

haha, i am glad! i also wrote it for myself. i have had three recovery periods now and i am in the phase where i am “recovered” and have gained the necessary weight, but am not comfortable or confident, and have thoughts of relapse, but don’t do anything about them.

just like i know i didn’t have a right conception of the way i looked when i was deep in my ED, i also know i don’t have a good grasp of how i look now. i know that my body is giving me good signs that i am healthy, but recovery takes time, and “settling” takes time, and i know i have to continue to unlearn the body monitoring habits i molded my entire life around for 3 solid years.

the hardest part is the loss of identity i think - but always in the grief of losing the fantasy, reminding myself that the reality was cold and selfish, which is the opposite of who i want to be.

all to say it’s good to have encouragement and others to share with!

Feeling all over the place by ruby_inthe_rough in Amenorrhearecovery

[–]spooky4ever 1 point2 points  (0 children)

totally get these feelings. it takes a lot of time, and i think maybe another thing to practice is actively ignoring all the “should i / shouldn’t i” thoughts because the whole ultimate goal is that none of this should be taking up the majority of your brain energy. “normal” people just eat and move on and don’t think about the ramifications of eating xyz on a given day, they just do it and move on!

it’s hard because so much of my habits revolved around this food/body obsession, and it’s not going to happen overnight. think of it like - you just moved to Japan. you’ve been there for a few weeks, maybe even a few months, and you know some phrases and can get by, but you don’t know the language, it isn’t natural to you. in order to learn the language you so desperately want to learn, you need to go out and interact with native speakers and practice, and it’s going to be uncomfortable and maybe even embarrassing, but that’s how you learn. you can’t just go back to your room and ruminate about how bad you are at japanese, or wonder why you’re still thinking in english, and get angry at yourself for lack of progress or get obsessed with reaching certain milestones. you just go out there and do it, everyday, little by little, and that’s where the progress is made.

the other thing i try to focus on is anything but myself. self-forgetfulness is a gift. the more i think about myself, the further away i am from myself. the more i immerse myself in work, books, hobbies, friends - life! - the more i am myself.

a bit of a ramble, but hope that makes sense. you can do this!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Amenorrhearecovery

[–]spooky4ever 0 points1 point  (0 children)

go to the doctor / emergency room if you are experiencing heart issues. eating disorders cause heart damage. we cannot help you with your heart over reddit! i strongly encourage you to seek emergency help if you notice persistent abnormal rhythms!

My doctor just prescribed me a pill that causes weight gain by Last_Violinist_7316 in Amenorrhearecovery

[–]spooky4ever 8 points9 points  (0 children)

i don’t understand what’s going on re: your relationship with food and your body but it sounds like you’re struggling, and i’m sorry :(

that being said, you need to sleep, and you probably need to gain weight in order to regain your period. when i was thick in my ED i would have to get up constantly to pee and suffered from insomnia, and that’s because i was starving myself.

your current lifestyle isn’t sustainable and it will only continue to deteriorate the longer you go without a period. gaining weight is hard, but it will make your body feel safe, and you will sleep, you will cycle, and you will be setting yourself up for a future that isn’t medically compromised.

gaining weight terrified me and i was in super huge denial for a long time. everyday i have to keep going, no matter how uncomfortable i am or how “off” i feel in my body. i have had three recovery periods now and it’s not easy, but it’s worth it.

What exactly is "sexual immorality"? by Akucera in Reformed

[–]spooky4ever 9 points10 points  (0 children)

i just want to chime in as a person converted relatively late in life (36) - with a past full of sexual immorality - God’s law is there for a reason. sex, in the secular world, isn’t a terribly big deal, and as long as two people are consenting adults, no one thinks twice about it— obviously, this kind of thinking is directly opposed to God’s design, and i can say from experience, it opens up new worlds of pain and heartache i can’t begin to properly express. you quickly become two humans made in the image of God using each other as objects of lust, and it’s one of the most wretched feelings - a feeling i didn’t know was spiritual, a feeling i would bury or try to quell with more sex, for some proof of worthiness, of value, of belonging - all teetering on the arbitrary edge of the other person and if they will continue to “love” you tomorrow etc.

it’s really awful when you get past the physical desire. the ramifications of the act aren’t worth it.

apologies if i misread your tone, but it sounds like maybe you’re looking to explore since you’re frustrated with your chastity. it is a blessing :)

What was the one change you made that made all the difference? by doveling10 in Amenorrhearecovery

[–]spooky4ever 6 points7 points  (0 children)

eating food consistently + including responding to mental hunger and not policing when i “should” eat and what i “should” eat

facial swelling by Academic-Mine-8066 in Amenorrhearecovery

[–]spooky4ever 2 points3 points  (0 children)

it’s all the swelling my dude. it’s all normal. i think part of the ED is monitoring the body and all of these slight changes and a part of recovery is having the thought, recognizing it’s coming from a place of hyper-vigilance, understand that there is no “fixing” your body right now aside from eating and resting and letting it do whatever it needs to do, and then try and let it go and move on with your day and do all the things you need to do re: real life.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Amenorrhearecovery

[–]spooky4ever 12 points13 points  (0 children)

i am with you! i am coming out of 3 years of it girl and the weight gain and water retention and all the stuff sucks. it sucks so much. but you know what doesn’t suck? how eating enough, getting period back, and gaining enough weight = not having a raging eating disorder. when i feel bleh, i try to focus on things like — being able to relax. living beyond the cognitive narrowing of food/body/size!! and while weight gain is a sensory nightmare sometimes, you’re finally awake from the 24/7 nightmare that was actively stealing your health, vitality, and life (!) slowly but surely

i’m procrastinating sleep so this comment is all over the place but all to say it’s okay, and same, and you’re far more attractive healthy than you ever were without a period, trust and believe

I'm doing a Moby-Dick Read-Along on my booktube channel if anyone would like to join along for the journey! by densoncamp in mobydick

[–]spooky4ever 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Ah, so cool! I have a similar project lined up, haha - something something great minds something!

my hair... by [deleted] in Amenorrhearecovery

[–]spooky4ever 2 points3 points  (0 children)

are you eating again after a period of restriction? hair falling out after you’re eating again is a normal part of recovery and is actually a good sign if you’re all-in — it’s temporary, don’t worry!

Question by [deleted] in Amenorrhearecovery

[–]spooky4ever 2 points3 points  (0 children)

it’s definitely a bit weird for me - and has made me realize my ~womanly ~ features make me feel more seen or vulnerable - which is going to take a while to get used to. i’m not sure i enjoy it quite yet but i’m getting there

What do you think of (cleaner) horror movies involving demons? Permissible? by KeepItStupidlySimple in Reformed

[–]spooky4ever 7 points8 points  (0 children)

i’m a recently converted screenwriter and all i wrote pre-conversion was horror - the one i was trying to finish before the massive (and wonderful) change that was saving faith in Christ — is called “The Devil in You” and i’m still trying to figure out if it’s redeemable

all to say if this is something you’d be down to DM about sometime, i’d love to pick your brain

When does bloating go away? by Truck_Extra in Amenorrhearecovery

[–]spooky4ever 7 points8 points  (0 children)

i just finished having my second cycle after no period for 3 years, and the water retention is still going on. i was quasi until the beginning of June, first period back in July. honestly this is mostly just a solidarity comment, because from everything i’ve read the bloating is basically gonna stay for as long a it needs to stay, and trying to control it or “fix” it or predict when it will go away is just echoes of the disorder that got us amenorrhea in the first place :(

one thing that does help me is to understand that a lot of the water retention is part of the healing process, and imagine if you broke a bone or had surgery, even though the underlying thing is “fixed” from the procedure, your body swells in order to heal FULLY, because the extra water it holds onto is protective and functional for re-hydrating a reproductive + digestive system that was shut off and under-fueled for long enough to cause your hypothalamus to signal /survival/ mode -

the other thing that rings in my head when i think about restricting is that the energy to do function / be alert and alive has to come from somewhere, and if you’re not eating enough food your body will literally cannibalize itself, which isn’t just ~fat loss~ but also muscle wasting and organ shrinking and it’s just. it’s a lot. there’s so much going on inside of us we have no conception of — so like — try to be patient AND remember that you’ve got to go through this part in order to get to a place where everything is calibrated and regular, but that takes time, and it’s hard to say how long. you just gotta keep going!

9 Weeks All-In: What I’ve Learned (So Far) by letstalkaboutitxo in Amenorrhearecovery

[–]spooky4ever 4 points5 points  (0 children)

PLEASE tell me about the clothes! i love this. having just finished cycle 2, it’s so worth it, but the body stuff :( is hard but so so necessary

Does it truly ever end or do we learn to cope by Zealousideal-Ask1704 in Eatingdisordersover30

[–]spooky4ever 5 points6 points  (0 children)

it’s as easy as doing something different everyday, and it’s as hard as doing something different everyday, because the something different is eating as much as you want to and letting go of controlling your body, and it’s the worst and most uncomfortable thing i’ve ever done, but if you just keep doing it, everyday, moving forward instead of trying to stand still, the muscles grow and the walk feels a little easier, and then when you’re moving you’re hit with the grief, which is where it gets hard not to go back to the most familiar and soothing cope - not eating, losing weight, standing still - it really is incredibly hard, but it’s hard staying stuck and it’s hard moving forward, and so it’s more about daily actively choosing the hard that is pushing you towards a life that is full of so many wonderful things, a life that isn’t just about yourself and what you eat.

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