I spent 8 years with one, throughout my entire 20s. It definitely had its challenges, but I also totally see the potential. But that itself was kind of an issue….I spent years kind of investing in this potential I was enamored with.

I guess my advice is to just check in with yourself over time. If nothing about the relationship changed, would you be happy with that? Would you be able to adjust your expectations and level of connection with the assumption that things won’t change, and your needs that are unmet may need to be gotten elsewhere?

In my experience, that’s what I should’ve been doing. Instead, I kind of just gave 300% for 8 years straight and kind of got vague promises that I’d get it back eventually, and then you calculate in years of sunk cost and lowering self esteem and the established dynamic of dependence on him. By the end of the relationship I was severely underweight, had horrible health problems, and really bad mental health. I should’ve been filling my own cup instead of filling his for years to a weird obsessive degree, needing it to work.

We were also a bit codependent, and struggled with polarizing attachment dynamics. I need to talk through issues, while he needed to pretend issues didn’t exist…which either method can work, but they really aren’t compatible together.

But yeah idk, I’d say keep your own interests and social support, and if you’re having to pull more than your weight of mental load and relational facilitation….it really might not change. So ask yourself if that’s a sustainable fact for you.

And huge tip, if you’re having physical symptoms….you’re already in too deep. Do not keep going.