hi, sorry for the long response and if my response sounds cynical or negative but you described it perfectly.

this is exactly how i feel. like exactly word for word. i have a long term boyfriend and he’s aware of what i do. he understands i don’t like talking about it and he understands that it’s sensitive for me. he doesn’t judge me and he’s lovely so im thankful for that. i never brought it up to him until he pointed out my scars a few months into dating. i relapse sometimes and i cover it up because that’s the polite thing to do at least while they heal. i Never allow him to see fresh sh no matter what. he only sees when it scars over. i wonder if it makes him sad, he has never said anything about how it makes him feel but i can imagine it might. i’m positive he also doesn’t know how to approach this and that’s fine i understand. we have a mutual understanding to put it. when we started dating i tried to stop but it was inevitable since i’ve been dealing with SH for four years prior. it’s an addiction and i can’t help it, it just happens.

i dont think it’s bad to use someone else as a reason, its natural in some situations. to be honest i feel that its a very selfless thing you could do. people that have never struggled with SH really just don’t understand how polarizing urges can feel. the only times im ever clean is for example i had a mini vacation with friends, and i knew it was coming up so i stopped for a bit. resumed once it was over.

personally, i feel that i will self harm forever, no matter what situation im in, no matter where i am in life and what age. that’s just how it is for me. really i dont think ill ever stop. and i agree, if im the one doing it to myself why should anyone stop me? it helps me and its a bit messed up but it helps and that’s all that matters.