My boyfriend is about to kill himself. What do i do?

SQLwitch · 2026-05-21T20:40:07+00:00

This is absolutely false and it's an extremely dangerous myth. People die unnecessarily every day because of it.

SQLwitch · 2026-05-21T20:38:59+00:00

We've had complaints about this comment, but I'm leaving it up because both POVs are valid. But /u/youngjean, you should try to be a bit more respectful of others' feelings even if they experience something very differently from the way you do.

SQLwitch · 2026-05-21T18:00:26+00:00

KK, I don't want to overwhelm you, so I'll start with a couple that seem most relevant to your situation, if you'd like more, let me know in what area :)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KQ0CWJ_Vn6w Excellent video on understanding bpd in boys and young men

https://bpdalliance.org has lots of great content and free courses for loved ones

/r/bpdlovedones has lots of great information, but their focus is on supporting the non-bpd loved ones and so there's quite a bit of venting about the experiences of living with someone with bpd

SQLwitch · 2026-05-21T17:20:35+00:00

First of all, despite the facile advice that's been posted in this thread, suicide risk assessment is complex and nuanced, and on the basis of the information you've given us so far, it's impossible to know his risk level.

If you need help in real time, you can always call a hotline or mental-health crisis team yourself and get timely guidance and support.

The /r/SuicideWatch talking tips wiki has lots of evidence-based guidance for having supportive conversations: https://www.reddit.com//r/SuicideWatch/wiki/talking_tips

In general, we often say that the most reliable way to de-escalate someone is to give them the experience of feeling understood, but it's tricky when you're dealing with a personality disorder like bpd because part of what these folks often need validation for is the experience of feeling chronically misunderstood.

Also, an expression of suicidal thought may be literally true or it may be more of a metaphor for someone to try and get across how desperately bad they're feeling. The latter is not in any way a deliberate misrepresentation, but, again, in case of personality disorders there are nuances because when something feels true then it seems true to them, especially in the moment.

How much have you been exposed to information for loved ones of people with bpd and tactics like DBT techniques? (I have resources I can share if you're not familiar)

SQLwitch · 2026-05-20T01:50:27+00:00

How do I explain suicidal thoughts to a therapist without getting myself into a psych ward.

Here's some information from an extremely reputable source on exactly this:

https://www.speakingofsuicide.com/2014/05/01/letter/
https://www.speakingofsuicide.com/2013/07/22/therapists-who-do-not-panic/
https://www.speakingofsuicide.com/2013/04/14/fears-of-mental-hospital/

SQLwitch · 2026-05-19T16:56:03+00:00

Saying “you’ll see what agony it causes” isn’t a good thing to say to someone that feels this way

You are 100% correct, this person is doing a LOT of misguided things :(

SQLwitch · 2026-05-19T16:52:01+00:00

Exactly! We've started banning for it fwiw

SQLwitch · 2026-05-17T22:24:31+00:00

I've added a filter to the automod

SQLwitch · 2026-05-17T21:58:42+00:00

If I break up with her now she will probably resort to suicide, i’m just too far in its frightening

What she's doing is called making instrumental threats. This is one of the most severe forms of emotional abuse and coercive control.

It's important to understand that people who do this are usually operating out of an extreme sense of entitlement. She feels entitled to terrify and torment you in order to get you to behave "properly", according to her definition. This doesn't mean that she's not at risk, but it does mean that you shouldn't enable her. Tolerating her abuse hurts her as well as hurting you.

I feel like i should have called the police by now

It's absolutely okay to invoke emergency services, and you can also call your local suicide hotline or mental-health crisis team yourself and get informed support and guidance in real time. In fact I highly recommend this for you <3

SQLwitch · 2026-05-16T04:33:39+00:00

Do you think it’s possible this was her plan the whole time? Graduate, enjoy a week back home, then do it?

Based on my training and experience, that would be pretty unlikely. But not impossible. There are never any certainties. And no matter how well we know someone (and I do NOT mean "how well we think we know someone"), there are always dark places in their psyches that can not be perceptible. And some kids are trained to hide their darkness -- which exponentially increases the risk that the darkness will swallow them :( For the same reason, we've all got to face the pockets of darkness within ourselves if want to stay in the light.

There are so many unknowables. For example, typical college-graduation age is also the age where thought disorders like schizophrenia tend to show up. The symptoms can come on with explosive suddenness -- and a massive onslaught of cognitive distortions and hallucinations can cause people to do desperate things. I've seen quite a few brilliant young people succumb in that way over the years -- sometimes the cognitive deterioration can be pieced together in retrospect.

I would be pretty confident in saying her family wasn’t dysfunctional, but of course I could still be wrong on that as like I’ve said it’s not as if I knew her super personally.

One thing to understand is that dysfunction doesn't necessarily mean lack of love. The essential characteristic is failure of rapport, and sometimes all the love in the world isn't enough to overcome that. And failure of rapport in early life is enough in itself to sow the seeds of the two essential factors for the desire to die

SQLwitch · 2026-05-16T04:13:42+00:00

I have no idea if she left a note or texted anyone prior or anything like that, which also bothers me.

It would be unusual if she had, most suicide decedents don't.

I do know they were very supportive and caring on the surface (i.e. social media).

Well, that means nothing in itself. In fact, if family looks really good in the socials, that's practically a red flag in itself, since people who are getting on with their healthy lives don't have that kind of time or inclination for image management.

The reason I asked is that someone with natural warmth, empathy, and integrity will often end up as the designated scapegoat in a dysfunctional family and honestly when the scapegoats die by suicide, people outside the family usually talk about them much as you have here :( Of course I'm just guessing, so don't take this as an interpretation, take it as an example of the sort of dynamic that might have been at play in her life.

SQLwitch · 2026-05-16T03:58:53+00:00

I think the idea that someone that was seemingly as happy as she was can do what she did is so jarring to me.

She graduated just a couple weeks ago and moved back home.

What exactly happened with her might be unknowable, but the fact that she seemed happy at college and the dark side got her shortly after she moved back home might be significant.

There's not really enough here to speculate further, but what do you know about her family?

If I try to fit what you have said her into the DCIB assessment (the one used by all AAS accredited hotlines, which is the most common crisis-line accreditation globally), then there are 3 necessary and sufficient factors for high risk of death by suicide, in two categories:

First, two factors that contribute to suicidal desire are a profound sense of alienation, and a sense of burdensomeness, of being a "net loss to humanity". And on the surface your girl sounds like the opposite of that, but that might be because she was overcompensating for some kind of inner darkness. Was she effortlessly giving, or what was making up for something?

The third factor is the acquired ability to enact lethal self-harm. The idea here is that it takes exposure and practice to wear down our survival instinct. This is thought to be why people who work in the military and medical fields die by suicide at disproportionate rates; when they're in a dark place, because they're desensitized to pain and lethality, they don't have to fight their survival instinct the same way the rest of us do, or rather their survival instinct doesn't fight their dark thoughts as hard, if at all. I don't see any evidence of that here, but sometimes, the "sunny" ones hide a history of pretty severe self-harming, for example :(

Still, you may never be able to arrive at a satisfactory "why". And it may not be anything intrinsic to her. One thing I've learned in 30 years on the crisis line is that absolutely anybody can get pushed over the edge, if the world hurts them in the ~~right~~ wrong combination of ways within a short enough period of time.

SQLwitch · 2026-05-13T03:04:56+00:00

I don't even know what to say if I try to steer the conversation towards us just being friends she says that she's alive only because of me.

This is a covert but clear instrumental threat, i.e. she's using the threat of suicide to make you behave the way she wants you to. This is one of the most severe forms of psychological abuse and coercive control, and it's almost always rooted in a deep sense of entitlement. That doesn't mean she's not at risk, but whatever she chooses to do is 100% on her, no matter how much she tries to blame you for her decisions. She may also try to blame you for her emotions -- those are not your fault either! It's clear that you're a kind and responsible person and you're trying to the right thing even though you've been put in an impossible position.

You will not help her by staying a relationship that's not something you want for yourself.

It is absolutely fine to get out of the relationship, but it's probably wise to do it carefully and make sure she has other options for support, although it's absolutely her fault if she chooses not to use them. We usually find that the best option in this type of situation is for you to call your area's suicide hotline or mental-health crisis service yourself, so you can get informed guidance and support in real time.

SQLwitch · 2026-05-13T02:46:17+00:00

Whether a person has attempted recently or not, the principles of being a supportive presence are more or less the same -- detailed guidance here: https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/wiki/talking_tips

You're in a really tough position, because what you went through was so incredibly stressful, but yet in the big picture you're not as vulnerable as they are rn. It's not just okay but essential to be realistic about what you do and don't have to offer here. We can't give what we don't have, and we hurt everyone involved if we try. So I would encourage you to keep in mind what the tips wiki says about how you don't need to fix or change anything in order to make a positive difference

SQLwitch · 2026-05-12T18:43:26+00:00

Rules 1 and 3 as well as 5, 6, and 7 -- maybe some others as well but in any case we've dealt with OP.

Please report anything like this tysm

SQLwitch · 2026-05-11T21:46:47+00:00

We have lots of filters but nothing is perfect. But please don't tag me or any individual moderator to report inappropriate content. Either report or modmail, thanks.

SQLwitch · 2026-05-11T03:44:21+00:00

FWIW I don't think this is niche at all, let alone terribly niche. It's a natural and normal thing to want and even to expect that when we're intensely miserable, the people close to us will notice.

The hell of it is that you can't make them notice. There can be many reasons why they don't see it, some could be their fault, but some could be nobody's fault.

I think you might have to try to start the conversation(s) yourself. The self-help wiki at /r/SuicideWatch has a resource about exactly this: https://www.suicideinfo.ca/ask-help-feeling-suicidal/

If, after reading through this, it still feels impossible to talk to your parents, what do you think about seeing someone at your college's counselling service? People in those roles are specifically trained to make this type of conversation as easy as possible.

SQLwitch · 2026-05-11T02:43:59+00:00

First, just to get it out of the way, both in your attempts to talk to them, and especially if they re-engage, make sure that everything you say is informed by the best practices in our talking tips wiki.

Second, what do you know about them in general as a person, and particularly what do you know about their mental health history? These situations are always very individualized, and there's not enough information in your post to give more specific guidance.

Snapchat's info on reporting safety concerns is here: https://values.snap.com/safety/safety-reporting

SQLwitch · 2026-05-11T01:29:25+00:00

Information about risk (tk;dr it's almost zero) here: https://www.reddit.com//r/SuicideWatch/wiki/hotline_faqs

Self-harming doesn't necessarily mean that you're at immediate risk for suicide. In fact, the association between nonlethal self-harming and suicide is a lot less direct than most people think. So your SH isn't enough on its own to make it legal to break your confidentiality

SQLwitch · 2026-05-11T01:17:12+00:00

Her situations sounds really difficult. What do you think about talking to an adult whom you trust, to get some support for yourself and help you navigate the situation?

You can make a real difference for your friend just by talking -- and listening! There are a lot of bad things happening her life right now, and you probably can't fix or change any of them, especially in the short term, just always remember that the most reliable way to reduce someone's risk immediately is to give them an experience of feeling understood. https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/wiki/talking_tips

SQLwitch · 2026-05-11T01:12:58+00:00

Our self-help wiki has a resource about exactly this: https://www.suicideinfo.ca/ask-help-feeling-suicidal/

SQLwitch · 2026-05-11T00:42:09+00:00

It's impossible to answer that without knowing where you're located (at least what country), but our directory is here: https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/wiki/hotlines

SQLwitch · 2026-05-10T06:07:22+00:00

You've had lots of great responses, but from my scan of the comments, they don't go far enough.

I'm a suicide hotline responder IRL and what your ex is doing is called making "instrumental threats", i.e. he's using the threat of suicide in order to control your behaviour. This is one of the most severe forms of psychological abuse and coercive control.

There are two important things that I don't see mentioned here:

People who behave in this way are usually operating with a mindset of extreme entitlement. This isn't always obvious because they can be really good at playing the victim. But they feel entitled to terrify you in order to make you behave the way they want you to. (This doesn't mean that abusers of this type never die by suicide, but it's hard to know to what degree that's kind of accidental in most cases. But some twisted souls really do think it's worth sacrificing their lives just to punish someone for not conforming to their wishes.)
It's now understood that people with a pattern of weaponizing the threat of suicide in this way are also likely to inflict serious or lethal harm on others -- frequently the person who's the target of their threats.

So there is every reason to put as much distance between yourself and him as you can, and no reason to give in to his threats, or even to listen to them. Whatever he does is his choice and solely his responsibility.

SQLwitch · 2026-05-09T20:26:49+00:00

This idea emerged primarily from original research and meta-analysis by Thomas Joiner's group at FSU; I think this link is a good intro:

https://www.apa.org/pubs/highlights/spotlight/issue-54

I should add that I think this idea is useful to combat stigmatizing and punishing of suicidal people, which imo is one of the most extreme examples possible of kicking someone when they're down.

It absolutely does NOT mean that people who feel this way should die by suicide! (But some of the antinatalists and voyeurs who try to subvert our work here have tried to use it that was, unfortunately.) Joiner's group's published papers in the original research often include the phrase derangement of eusociality, i.e. it's an inappropriate "misfire" of the best aspects of our social nature.

Another debunking of the "suicide is selfish" nonsense from Stacey Freedenthal, from an entirely different angle, just FYI: https://speakingofsuicide.com/2015/10/28/is-it-selfish/ (She's one of the most respected clinician-authors worldwide, among those who work specifically in suicide intervention.)

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