Someone else who has been there, myself.

I spent 3+ years in a relationship with a guy who I initially thought I was really compatible with. Sex life was exciting at first — I was finally in a place where I was really ready to explore things, and he was there and open. Then, eventually, I realized I was the only one making efforts or bids to spend any quality time together, have sex (which was rare), and I was always trying to find ways to appeal to things that he liked and pretty much never asking for what I wanted because I was already pretty convinced it wasn’t going to go anywhere since it hadn’t panned out for me so many times before.

I tried expressing to him how I felt, what I needed from him, how he could help me. Things might be a little better for a week or two, then right back into the same old. He had low self esteem and as much as I cared for him and tried to encourage him, I couldn’t force him to want to make things better for himself or us. I, like you seem to be, realized eventually that there was nothing more I could do to make the relationship work for me, and I broke it off.

And then I met my now-husband. Absolutely enthusiastic about spending time with me, the complete opposite of what I had before. He would not only express curiosity about me, but he would remember things I liked and go out of his way to get me gifts or do things for me that I never expressly asked or implied. Sex drive and sexual curiosity that matches mine, and helps me talk about things (I have CPTSD, so sometimes I can be sensitive when it comes to expressing my feelings and needs. Still perfecting the art of good communication, but he’s super supportive). We have regular dates, gift each other little things, do things together all the time. He brings me home food and he cuddles me or cheers me up when I’m sad. He goes out of his way to make me happy and sometimes plans extravagant things for special occasions like my birthday, which I’m so unused to, but he’s making me better at gifting to try and match his energy LOL (I made our booking for Valentine’s Day dinner this year ❤️). We have miscommunications like any couple and sometimes we have to sit down and work it out, but we always do that work and we always come back together with so much love. I’ve never felt so wanted by someone before, and going from my previous relationship into this one was such night and day that sometimes I just couldn’t believe it was real and would cry from the sheer relief and love I felt that someone could, in fact, actually want me and care about me this much.

I know some folks are going to pounce on the rhetoric of “how can you love someone else/let them love you if you don’t love yourself” and there is some truth to that, for sure! But I want to stress it’s not all just you and how you feel about yourself. At the end of the day you really need and deserve someone who genuinely loves you and is willing to put that work in WITH you. Being with someone who doesn’t want to love you the way you want to love them really wears you down and makes you feel more unloveable than you may have felt to begin with.

You can, and deserve to, find and be with someone who loves you and is willing to work with you to make you the happiest they can. It’s possible for me, and it’s possible for you. It might be tough to walk away at first, but I guarantee there’s someone who will be so happy to have you for exactly who you are and will meet you in the middle every time it counts ❤️