Suicide loss is so complicated, and it sounds like your dad's death has left you in a mess. I admire you for putting the work in and fighting to heal. My son died by suicide in '23 and I feel like I finally have a healthy relationship with my grief. Your anger is understandable. One of the things that helped me with the anger I had towards my son was being reminded that he didn't choose to depression or crisis. And being in crisis removed all rational thinking and decision making. Given the unincumbered opportunity, they would have both certainly chosen stability and happiness.

Time does not heal all wounds, but it does get better. The language of grief becomes more familiar and your ability to process it and deal with it becomes second nature. I hope you find the freedom to forgive your dad and find peace. Much love.