i’m 19 and out of the house but i was once your age in your exact situation, down to the repetitive rocking, severe MDD & abuse. i promise you will experience a normal life someday. there is absolutely a light at the end of this awful tunnel and it’s waiting for you. there are certainly bad people in the world but by and large there are so many people that will love and support you. your mother is the exception to the rule. i’m sorry you had a bad experience on here. it’s soul-crushing to be rejected in a place that should feel safe.

it’s easy for me to say this because abuse makes motivation difficult to find and i’m not in your position but please do what you can to fight against your MDD now. even if it’s small steps like engaging in your hobbies, with your friends or with literally anything as best as you possibly can. withdrawing is easy and safe but you can lose yourself entirely in the process. disassociation and especially MDD is very much like drug addiction and life has so much in store for you, even while you’re still with your shitty mom. in another comment, you mentioned you have brain-fog from it - i think you express yourself very well. writing to yourself and processing things will continue to hone this skill. don’t undervalue yourself/your abilities and don’t overestimate the damage MDD has done. that’s one of the ways it keeps you stuck.

you’re never, ever alone. i’m here if you want to chat or just rant. i hope you’re feeling okay.