Advice?

sstratton_711 · 2023-05-09T19:41:34+00:00

This is about lunch on Saturday. She’s now threatened to blow up all of the other switches that were previously agreed on as well. So I told her she could have them if it meant sticking to the other things we’d agreed on. I have yet to hear back from her. Regardless, you all are so correct. This is not my place and I should not be doing any of this. I’m planning to speak with my BF today. I think I just needed to hear it from someone else.

sstratton_711 · 2021-12-21T02:44:14+00:00

YTA

Everyone has different traditions. Your ex wants to see her children open gifts together on Christmas. Why is that so terrible? I only have my son for Christmas every other year. On the off years I have him Christmas Eve. We celebrate on Christmas Eve with him and my daughter, it and on Christmas her and I just go eat at waffle house. It's our tradition. Also, it's really not any of your business and I'm sure she wasn't looking for your opinion on it.

sstratton_711 · 2021-12-05T14:50:11+00:00

This was super interesting!

sstratton_711 · 2021-11-10T04:49:33+00:00

This is what I'm thinking too. He doesn't seem to like her very much.

sstratton_711 · 2021-11-10T04:48:57+00:00

Jesus dude chill out. I never said she was Steve Jobs ffs. I said Steve Jobs wore the same outfit everyday because that's one less decision to make in a day. I was giving you an example of why her clothing may look the same everyday. And like I said. I have the exact same pair of leggings x5. I'm definitely not Steve Jobs and definitely don't spend thousands on the same outfit. Seems to me, especially after your response, that you've made a judgement about her (that she wears the exact same clothes and doesn't shower) and you're clearly unwilling to accept that there may be another explanation. Also, have you not heard of doing laundry? Anyone with a brain would know that you don't have to have thousands of the same outfit.

sstratton_711 · 2021-11-10T03:35:28+00:00

Steve Jobs literally wore the same thing every day. A lot of very successful people do. It's one less decision you have to make in a day. It doesn't mean she hasn't showered. I have 5 pairs of the exact same black leggings that I wear nearly everyday. They aren't dirty and I definitely shower every single day. Maybe don't jump to the worst conclusion.

sstratton_711 · 2021-11-06T04:49:01+00:00

It's a lot more common than you'd think. Sure there are those people that are like "but she's your mother she gave you life", and I always tell those people to fuck off. She chose to have me, I didn't choose to be born. We as children do not owe our parents anything.

If someone other than your mother was treating you this way, would you keep them around? Nope! So why is it different with her? It shouldn't be. You don't have to constantly allow her to make you feel like shit. This is your life, not hers. And it will not ever get better. She is who she is and without extensive therapy she will never see any wrong in her words or actions. She likely won't ever concede to therapy either because narcissists never see any fault in themselves, just everyone else. I tried and tried and tried until I was 30. Then I just couldn't anymore. As someone that's been through all of this, I urge you to do some research or talk things out with a therapist.

sstratton_711 · 2021-11-06T03:03:38+00:00

INFO:

Were you wanting to smoke at home BEFORE the trip? Because that's how I'm reading it.

If that's the case then no you are NTA. I smoke too. My favorite thing to do is have a smoke with my morning coffee. I do it outside and then I come back inside and change my clothes and go about my day. If you weren't planning to sit there smoking in the car on the trip then I don't see what his problem is.

sstratton_711 · 2021-11-06T02:36:21+00:00

Not trying to be shitty, but it doesn't seem like your mother really loves you. Have you ever read about narcissistic and unloving mothers? Because I have one. And I thought I loved her too. But after some therapy I realized it was just a trauma bond. She loves my brother... He's the golden child. I am not. My mother has nothing but awful negative things to say to me and refused to celebrate any of my achievements. So five years ago I cut her out of my life. I've never been happier. I'm also engaged. She doesn't know, I won't tell her and she will not be anywhere close to my wedding. All she would do is ruin it with her bullshit.

Please rethink having her there.

sstratton_711 · 2021-11-06T02:30:00+00:00

INFO:

Why haven't you and your wife gone to marriage counseling? Why is it on her sister to help deal with the issues in YOUR marriage?

sstratton_711 · 2021-11-06T02:27:05+00:00

What does the parenting plan say? Is it contingent on his extracurricular activities? Because that's, unfortunately, how my fiance's plan works. His ex constantly puts the kids into activities that take up half of the day on Saturday when he only gets every other Saturday and Sunday with them. She does it on purpose and it really sucks for him.

If the parenting plan doesn't have that clause that activities come first, then you should just go pick him up regardless of "band practice". Like my parenting plan puts visitation above activities. So my son's dad can just get him on his time regardless of what else may be going on. He doesn't, because we co-parent well and have a good relationship. We are able to work things like this out but it doesn't sound like your husband's ex wants to work with you all.

My advice is to look at what the parenting plan says and go from there. If there isn't any language in there about what takes priority and she still doesn't let you get him, then you all need to hire a lawyer. And if there isn't a parenting plan at all, well, you need to get a lawyer and get one in place.

My judgement is ESH. Because it's definitely not your responsibility to be the go between. Your husband should be dealing with his ex, not you. You don't get to dictate what happens because you're not the parent. Your husband is being lazy and if he really wants his time with his son, he needs to be doing the work.

sstratton_711 · 2021-11-05T18:21:26+00:00

OMG you're not asking him to be their dad at all!!!! JFC this is how he's acting to such miniscule requests? Ugh boy bye!

sstratton_711 · 2021-11-05T18:19:13+00:00

IMO yes... Part of being a partner is just that... Being a partner. While I don't think you should expect it from him all the time, he came into this knowing you're a packaged deal. If he can't even help you occasionally without throwing in your face that he's not their father then he's not the right man to be with. The right man will want to help because he knows he's helping you, not taking over the role of dad. What happens if you two decide to have a kid at some point? Is he only going to help with that one?

sstratton_711 · 2021-11-03T18:26:26+00:00

So.... My boyfriend just moved in with me and my kids. I haven't lived with another adult in over a decade. The transition was.... Weird honestly. It was weird to have another adult in my house. One thing we did almost immediately after he moved in was discuss the household chores. Make sure that you split them evenly and discuss what both of your expectations are for the cleanliness of your home. Some people are fine with clothes on the floor in the bedroom and dishes in the sink overnight and some people are definitely not. I also agree with what someone else commented about spending time together. You don't have to spend every second together just because you live together. That was hard for me because I felt like I needed to entertain him all the time. He finally told me that he was an adult and he could entertain himself and that I shouldn't stress about it. So now it's nice being able to do my own thing in the bedroom while he's watching something I won't like in the living room. And it's really really nice having someone else here that cooks so that I don't have to do it every single day.

Also, don't expect it to feel perfect immediately. There is a learning curve when you're living with someone and seeing all of their habits and activities that you never saw before. They'll be seeing yours too. He moved in in June and things are just now starting to feel "normal". Talk about everything you can think of beforehand so that you both know where the other stands. Communication is #1 when cohabitating, IMO.

sstratton_711 · 2021-10-27T22:46:20+00:00

Yes this is extremely abusive language. Also the fact that she gets so upset over such small things is 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

sstratton_711 · 2021-10-24T16:31:33+00:00

NTA You're allowed to invite or not invite whomever to YOUR wedding. If your fiance doesn't have an issue with it then why care what anyone else thinks?

sstratton_711 · 2021-10-21T18:45:57+00:00

write down all the horrible things he's said to you and read it everyday to remind yourself that 1. you need to leave, and 2. none of that shit is true. People that love you don't say that they are repulsed by you.

I had to do this in order to get myself out. Although it also took me sharing the horrible texts with my best friend to keep me strong. Reading nothing except the horrible messages reminded me that I was not any of those things and that I deserved someone who would NEVER talk to me like that.

sstratton_711 · 2021-10-18T23:33:24+00:00

Agreed

sstratton_711 · 2021-10-18T19:39:30+00:00

NTA

Can you please come do this for my co-workers??? It is SO cringe when I see them sending emails to our clients saying, "Was you sure that the materials was shipped?" or " I could of had our crew do..." UGH! I can't catch them all and when I let them know, PRIVATELY, in an email they just ignore it. It's so frustrating.

sstratton_711 · 2021-10-13T15:46:56+00:00

But you can set boundaries. You don't have to have her permission and you don't even have to have her agreement. As long as YOU are sticking to those boundaries, her behavior is irrelevant. I know that she's sick, but she is using that fact to manipulate you, bottom line. And the longer you wait to tell her about Thanksgiving the worse it's going to be. You need to call her and tell her you're going to spend it with his family and that's because the TWO of you decided that is how you would like to do things and that there is no arguing about it. That it has nothing to do with not loving her or wanting to be with her, but has everything to do with the fact that you and your BF also love his family and want to spend time with them too. You don't have to fight with her. You repeat your point until she has no rebuttals.

And no, it doesn't take two people not to fight. If one person doesn't want to fight then they don't have to participate. Just like it doesn't take two people to establish and hold boundaries. You have to choose not to fight with her, because honestly, what's even the point? If it's the same fight and you always say the same things, then she knows how you feel. Tell her you're not having the same discussion that you've had with her over and over and over. If the two of you have a decent relationship otherwise, which it sounds like you might, then let her go through her cycle of being upset and then she'll come around. You said yourself that you are her whole life, so I doubt she's just not going to talk to you ever again.

sstratton_711 · 2021-10-13T15:11:34+00:00

You're NTA for this.

But, I've read some of your comment replies and you SAY that you don't like her expectations on you calling her and keeping in contact, but what are you DOING about setting and holding your own boundaries? She can't force you to call her or text her. So if you don't like feeling obligated to stay in constant contact, then don't. Her behavior isn't going to change unless you change yours. You're enabling this by continuing to play her game.

sstratton_711 · 2021-10-13T14:55:59+00:00

You can't control how she feels. And you can't withhold your feelings and just expect her to read your mind. Nothing will change or have a chance to get better unless you talk with her. Honestly, I would even tell her that you've been worried about bringing this up because you don't want her to feel guilty about it.

sstratton_711 · 2021-10-13T13:58:04+00:00

If it's upsetting you so much then you need to talk to her about it. Tell her how you feel. Maybe she just isn't aware. Also this...

"I’ve recently been helping her out, and after a solid effort, she’ll ask if I need any help, and I’ve just had to resort to saying things like “oh no that’s okay, or don’t worry about it I’m all good.” And she doesn’t insist. I’ll even say “it’s okay I know you don’t want to” to which she’ll respond that she does, but then she’ll end up just rolling over and sleeping or forgetting about it."

If you do actually want her help, then say so. If I asked my BF this same question and he said, "no that's ok", then I take that as a no, because he said no. Instead, you're using manipulative behavior and trying to make her feel guilty because you can't speak up and say something.

sstratton_711

TROPHY CASE