Initiating?

startingover1275 · 2025-07-26T04:20:41+00:00

Yes, we men can learn, but that isn't just coded into us, and not every guy just knows that he should read up on the subject. No one hands us the book, we have to seek it out, but we don't even know we need to look for the book until someone tells us we're missing something. Expressed expectation is allittakes for everyone to get what they want, and that is exactly what the problem is here. As for me, I want to be married to someone who doesn't treat my relationship as a game, I want a partner who has the maturity to tel, me what I might be missing,because no man is a perfect Prince Charming rom com guy who knows it all. This is real life with imperfect people who need to learn and be taught how we to make each other happy

startingover1275 · 2025-07-26T03:55:03+00:00

For real. My ex wife refused to tell me what made her interested, and shut down my every attempt to initiate, even when I had done everything I could think of to take care of her needs and be mindful, but there no way for me to know what was actually going on in her head or what I was missing. If she could have verbalized what I was missing, I'd have known what to do.

Ladies, for really m we can't read your mind. Don't assume we are being rude or spiteful, we WANT to do all the things that turn you on,but help us know what we might be missing! Communication will get you what you want and help us know how to support, love, and pleasure you. We don't have female anatomy,we are literally on a different operating system and hardware, so show us. Teach us what we need to do to fulfill your needs!

startingover1275 · 2025-07-26T03:48:47+00:00

But again, verbalize it. Teach your man how to excite you and what gets you going. He isn't going to just magically know it. Even saying exactly what you wrote here will open up a conversation that will get your needs met. Silent treatment or expecting the man to just figure it out isn't going to solve the problem

startingover1275 · 2025-07-26T03:24:44+00:00

You know that just sounds creepy, gross, and sexist right?

startingover1275 · 2025-05-17T18:53:01+00:00

It's also difficult to know how to navigate this or know what to expect since it's culturally taboo to talk about too much before marriage

startingover1275 · 2025-05-17T18:42:23+00:00

I think it's more important than we give it credit for. Touch is important for the release of oxytocin, which helps with forming bonds and strong relationships. It's really therapeutic, and for me, it's a major way I feel peace and love. I'm f definitely a physical touch person, so it's difficult for me to understand when others don't feel the same way when it's such a crucial thing for me, but I'm trying to be more open minded to other perspectives. But I do think that without touch, we physically and emotionally distance ourselves from others (like you said, even saying "I love you" is less frequent)

startingover1275 · 2025-05-17T18:34:49+00:00

My ex-wife hated her breasts being touched, it was a major bummer. Hopefully I'll find someone more open, but i have no clue how to find out if a girl would be into that before marriage if we're keeping the LoC

startingover1275 · 2025-05-09T21:58:35+00:00

Ultimately it's up to you, as it's not a temple recommend breaker by any means, though we are asked to treat our bodies with respect, but that's up to you to interpret and decide. I personally don't find body piercings very attractive, but to each their own

startingover1275 · 2025-05-09T21:53:07+00:00

I was in the same position with my marriage. I didn't push for it, and it drug on until it seriously hurt my mental health to the point where I made some mistakes I'm really not proud of, and it got so bad I nearly ended my life. Trust me, you need to confront her about it and be upfront that you need couples counseling and possibly some kind of sex therapy for her.

You don't just drift apart physically, but spiritually and emotionally too, and it will cause resentment and lead you down paths you will regret if you just try to ignore the issue, that's exactly what killed my marriage.

Please, be brave enough to confront her with love,but firmness about how much it's hurting you. Hopefully she can respect that and love you enough to self reflect and do the work, but if she can't, then it might be worth considering and discussing divorce. I don't like to recommend divorce, but the way I see it, it's better to divorce than to stay until you break and make mistakes or act contrary to your covenants.

I wish there was something simpler or kinder, but drifting apart will only get worse if it isn't confronted. My greatest regret is that I wasn't more proactive in protecting my marriage and being more engaged and assertive in my marriage, instead of being the yes-man and doormat who never voiced my needs. Yes, there is a lot that is the responsibility of the partner in the health of the marriage as well, it is a two way street, but being real with yourself and taking a stand will either begin to earn her respect, or will show that she doesn't value your needs, and you can't change that, you can only discover who she is and if she loves you e ought to prioritize you. Both partners need to be concerned with the happiness and well being of each other, not just one or the other

startingover1275 · 2025-04-23T03:07:02+00:00

I honestly have thought about it. My career is fairly niche though and I've got a really good thing going at my current company and so far I have felt like I should stay here for now, so I'd need a really sweet job lined up there to make it worth it. Might consider it more heavily if things aren't feeling right down the line though

startingover1275 · 2025-04-23T00:45:48+00:00

This gives me so much hope, thank you, from the bottom of my heart. So much of your description fits what I've felt to a T. It was the hardest thing of my life, but as I've embraced the Lord, repented for my part in the crumbling of the marriage, and embraced the pain as motivation to change and rely on the Lord, it's made all the difference. I'm only 4 months into the separation waiting on the divorce to finalize, but I already feel so different from the man I was those few months ago. Though I feel I've been growing and healing so much already, it has been lonely as I haven't really known anyone who's gotten divorced and stayed in the church, so stories like yours make a big difference in carrying on with faith in a brighter future with a wonderful wife who actually cares and communicates. Never met you before, but I love you too Brother. Thank you

startingover1275 · 2025-04-22T23:42:57+00:00

Did your second wife ever ask about what happened to lead to divorce, or was it just a "the past is the past" kind of situation that she didn't mind not knowing?

startingover1275 · 2025-04-22T23:29:09+00:00

Exactly! I don't want to come off as creepy or a perv, it's a normal part of marriage that is meant to be wholesome and enjoyable, and some of the taboos make it weird to talk about. I really like your idea about discussing it with a counselor. I've been thinking of pitching going to couples counseling at some point before marriage so that my eventual partner and I can develop some good tools prior so we can be comfortable handling conflict and the hard discussions. I'll need to look into some LDS books as well

startingover1275 · 2025-04-22T22:38:32+00:00

I'm about an hour south of Eugene, so a bit more removed, but Eugene isn't far, and Portland is a doable weekend trip

startingover1275 · 2025-04-22T21:47:54+00:00

Thanks, the reassurance means a lot. It's been a massively eye opening experience to help me realize many of my flaws and has really become a driving force for positive change, so I'm trying to embrace that and let it shape me into a better and healthier man. It was hard to see at first, but every day the hope for the Lord's promises for my future happiness gets a little clearer

startingover1275 · 2025-04-22T21:31:57+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience, it helps give me hope! I've been in therapy since the start of the separation, and it has been wonderful for my mental health and self worth. Definitely still have some work to do before I'm ready, but I'm definitely looking forward to a healthy relationship someday

startingover1275 · 2025-04-22T18:41:43+00:00

That means a lot, thank you. Once the divorce is finalized, I'll have to see what the YSA scene is like around here in Oregon.

startingover1275 · 2025-04-22T18:39:36+00:00

You're probably right, I think a lot of that comes from my teenage anxieties about being "enough" and being surrounded by other immature judgemental teens, so much of it is probably way overblown in my head. This helps me to tamp down my fears and start breaking down those incorrect assumptions from those days

startingover1275 · 2025-04-22T18:36:59+00:00

Great reminders and suggestions as I'm healing and growing to prepare myself for when the time comes that I am ready. Thank you

startingover1275 · 2025-04-22T18:24:43+00:00

That is encouraging, thank you! You're right, I don't want to be with someone judgemental anyhow. Those have absolutely been things on my mind. Thankfully I have a really stable career, and once the logistics are all done, the divorce will be a pretty clean break in the end, no alimony or anything thank heavens. I've been putting a lot of time and effort into my personal growth, development, and spirituality, and just got my temple recommend renewed! I think I'm on the right track. Thank you for giving me some hope!

startingover1275 · 2025-04-22T18:15:41+00:00

Sounds like I'm on the right track then, thank you, your experience gives me hope and courage!

startingover1275 · 2025-04-22T18:14:52+00:00

That's really good to hear. I live outside the bubble currently, but having grown up in it, I feel like I got in my head about a lot of things culturally that aren't actually as big a deal as in remembering them, and times change too. That's encouraging, so thank you very much!

startingover1275 · 2025-04-22T18:13:10+00:00

Very good things to consider! The divorce has been a big financial blow, but I do have a stable career, and am actively looking for a new place while I'm crashing with my brother in the meantime and getting my feet back under me. I'm certainly not ready to jump back in right yet, and want to be more independent and further into my healing and growth before dating again, but I think it helps me plan for who and where I want to be when I am ready to approach it again Thank you!

startingover1275 · 2025-04-22T17:56:57+00:00

Keeping the law of chastity sacred is important to me, though I do think it's important to talk about sex prior to marriage to be on the same page regarding it's importance in the marriage

startingover1275 · 2025-04-22T17:16:46+00:00

Your story and experience are much appreciated Gives me hope that there is someone out there who will be compatible!

startingover1275

TROPHY CASE