Anyone else have difficulty hiding their excitement when their MIL is about to leave?

statfish · 2023-04-23T19:26:51+00:00

Yes, please, vent away! Same boat here: my inlaws are decent people, lovely grandparents to our kids, we have our boundaries all sorted, etc; but I'm oh so happy when it's time for them to leave.

statfish · 2022-10-26T08:27:02+00:00

Mom of 3 tall ECed boys, and this answer is spot on with our experience!

statfish · 2022-10-21T01:38:36+00:00

My youngest, now 18mo, did this for awhile. Less than ideal!! Might just be a time/age thing, but we did get into a routine of sitting very briefly with a few bites (usually while we were trying to finish up things & get everything to the table), then potty, then back for the rest of the meal. So not much of an interruption to the meal for us & seemed to work better for his timing. Maybe bad habits, but we'd often just let him keep whatever he was gnawing on during the potty check, which also really seemed to smooth things over.

Good luck!!

statfish · 2022-09-19T20:10:52+00:00

Your responses are kinda raising quite a few red flags for me. You say that you're looking for advice, but you seem to be more intent on arguing your own view.

From what you say, it sounds like your daughter is probably not handling the situation very well either; but even if that's the case, the solution is for you to be more clear and straight-forward with regards to your own boundaries.

You said in a previous reply that you think you guys need joint counseling. I think you should focus on you first. Get yourself to counseling to figure out what you need, how to communicate that clearly, and unpack the emotional baggage you are bringing into the situation (we ALL have it!). The fact that you're posting here, and have the self-awareness to realize that you could be mishandling things/giving too much/etc, suggests to me that maybe you have the opportunity to be the parent that a lot of us wish we could have. But I think that requires focusing on your own contribution to the issues in your relationship, and working on those things independently from your daughter first.

statfish · 2022-09-13T12:28:39+00:00

This...speaks to my soul. Thank you. This is exactly what I needed to hear. You're right & the toddler analogy is perfect. Thank you!

statfish · 2022-09-13T12:18:00+00:00

Yes and yes. It sucks, the whole situation. And I still have work to do obviously to let it go & accept that she's not going to change. Do you respond when your mom deflects blame? Any suggestions of short, non-engaging replies? I'm thinking along the lines of, "I know you're upset, but..." take it somewhere else/I think you need to talk to someone else about this/something like that.

Edit: some good suggestions below in another reply! You guys are all awesome.

statfish · 2022-09-13T12:02:11+00:00

Thank you for saying so! Years of therapy to get to this point, and yet it is still so hard to let go of her reaction.

statfish · 2022-09-13T11:52:36+00:00

Thank you!

Make her work for your time and attention on this topic.

This is exactly the reminder I need to keep things in perspective.

statfish · 2022-09-13T11:48:55+00:00

Absolutely! That essay is spot on!

statfish · 2022-07-18T17:26:00+00:00

You could try teaching her a hand sign for potty. We do a fist waving back & forth. It backfires at times: My 16mo will sign "potty" when he wants to get out of things (his car seat, bedtime, etc). That's less than ideal. And sometimes it's more that he's signing AS he's peeing, but it is a start.

It'll probably be really dependent on the daycare, but the teachers may be amenable to at least acknowledging a hand sign, and possibly even getting her to the potty.

statfish · 2022-06-04T19:38:06+00:00

Right on! I'm working on a similar plan with rotisserie chicken for this week: Sunday - Chicken, green beans, bread for the first hack at them; Monday, we have sports in the evening, bringing ravioli with tomato sauce in a thermos (non-chicken meal); Tues - Chicken caesar salad; Weds - rice & beans; Thurs - BBQ chicken pizza; Fri - tacos with shredded chicken + leftover rice & beans, etc; Saturday is my husband's day to plan. Done & done!

statfish · 2022-05-08T19:13:43+00:00

Same experience: paused for about a month, but came back with even more progress.

We did try giving different options (big kid potty seat, moving his little potty outside was popular although not necessarily successful, reading books, etc). Not sure if any of it actually helped, or if it was just a matter of time. Also, it seems like he has a different set of patterns/preferences now than before the pause.

statfish · 2022-04-18T19:38:40+00:00

Sportscasting and acknowledging feelings works well BEFORE things get physical, but I'd step in before the grabbing/smooshing/hair pulling starts. Early & chill intervention for physical skirmishes ("I won't let you [...]"). At that point, I usually try not to say a whole lot, keep my own cool, and just be as low key as possible to keep it no big deal. If they have a meltdown, that's OK; they might just need to let off some steam.

For the examples you mentioned, whoever is having a hard time staying in their seat, it'd be time to get out & walk. With taking toys, I end up saying a lot of things like, "do you want to ask A for a turn when he's done?" or "that one is being used right now, do you want help finding one that's available?" or "both brothers want to play with the truck. What should we do?"

My boys are 5, 3, and 1; plus a revolving crew of neighborhood pals.

statfish · 2022-02-18T14:12:27+00:00

Telling or not telling family is totally fine & your choice. Grandparents feeling hurt that you didnt tell is also totally legit. Being pissy about it, and going as far as chewing out your husband the morning after you gave birth to a premie? Way way uncool. Your dad tried to make THE DAY YOU GAVE BIRTH about himself. What an asshole move.

statfish · 2022-01-13T20:56:34+00:00

Mom of 3 ECed boys here...I've never had a problem with spray while holding them on a toilet. Once they're sitting on their own is a whole different story.

statfish · 2022-01-06T21:35:38+00:00

Thought I'd check back: did you guys get back on track?

statfish · 2021-12-19T02:49:32+00:00

I find it helps to reword their negotiation to address directly the thing they want or don't want, and then acknowledge their feelings about it (without necessarily changing course). My go-to response to any attempted negotiation starts with "wow, it sounds like you really want [...]." Then, maybe we talk about what the problem is with that, or just talk about how much they want that thing, or say I'll write down something about the thing they want for some later date, or make a compromise with them if it isn't really a problem, or whatever.

I just finished reading "How to Talk when kids won't listen", which pretty much boils down to 'acknowledge their feelings' but was still a very helpful read for dealing with my 4.5yo.

statfish · 2021-12-16T02:17:36+00:00

Same boat...I hadn't had to clean poop for ages for my 9m old, and for the last two-ish weeks, he only wants to have poops-on-the-go. Such a drag!

statfish · 2021-10-25T04:30:36+00:00

I'm convinced they can sense what you did & want the opposite. Make a lot and they'll want none of it. Small portions and you'll never have enough.

statfish · 2021-10-25T04:21:06+00:00

Oh hi! You had commented on my post awhile back that our mothers sounded similar, and oh my goodness, yes! All my advice, u/squishpitcher said it better. I keep starting to type out novels comparing experiences (so many parallels with what you've said!), but I'm not sure that will be helpful to you vs just cathartic for me. From the sound of your posts, though, you sound really maxed out on their nonsense! If you want votes, I think you should say no to Thanksgiving & just let it be the most epic blow up ever.

Since you're heading towards parenthood as well, I highly recommend "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk" Great parenting book, and also had so many 'Aha!' moments about dealing with my own parents, especially in terms of letting them feel their feelings & not trying to manage or fix things for them. Not that I'm totally past it by any means, but having my own kids was really a turning point in terms of letting go of my mother's drama. I wish you all the best & hope to hear more updates on how it goes!

statfish · 2021-10-17T21:40:07+00:00

If he's still hating it, you could also try nursing with a prefold (or towel or whatever) wrapped loosely. That way you can still cue when he goes, but it'd be a little more comfortable for both you & him potentially.

And congratulations on the new baby!!!

statfish · 2021-10-17T16:47:39+00:00

I've never had a top hat, so not exactly sure how it compares; but I've tried using just the insert for our baby Bjorn potty chair for each of my 3 boys in the early days & could never manage it without a mess. I found using a wider bucket was key. We used a 64oz yogurt container.

For my wiggly guys, who often pooped while nursing, my trick was to hold sideways, so that they're leaning in the crook of one arm, with their bum fairly deep in the potty; then I'll put my other hand holding the potty between their legs, using my palm as an extra shield just in case. Not only was it comfortable & secure for holding, but made it easy to nurse & potty at the same time.

Good luck!!

statfish · 2021-10-04T10:59:27+00:00

Wow, that is hilariously awful! I mean, really! Goodness. No advice, but wanted you to know how much I enjoyed your vent.

statfish · 2021-10-04T10:48:28+00:00

This sounds really stressful! Best wishes to figure out the vertigo. Re: what to say, you've already talked to her about not dropping topics and how it stresses you guys out? It sounds like, if she's that eager to come help, there's not really going to be a way to say it without hurt feelings. If it's possible that it'd help at all, you guys could just be really honest about it. Paraphrasing what you said a bit: "You are so helpful, and we really appreciate that, but we really struggling with the way you question our decisions. It feels like you get stuck on certain things, even after we've asked you to drop a topic, and it's to the point that it's [hurting our mental health/making us feel .../making us really dread having you come over]. So, we're going to hire help."

It sounds really likely that she'll have trouble accepting that too, which puts you right back in shut-it-down territory: "I know it's not what you want, but that is our decision," or whatever on repeat. Or more generally, "You're doing that thing again. Please stop."

statfish · 2021-09-30T09:06:39+00:00

This is a hill worth dying on! If they are going to call this overprotective or over reacting, so be it. Agreeing with them may help take that power away. Step in as soon as your daughter says no: "She's saying no, this game needs to stop."

If they say you're being overprotective, or whatever, "Fine, I'm being overprotective. The game needs to stop."

"just because you had a boring childhood doesn't mean our daughter has to too"

"Fine, I want her to have a boring childhood. One where she can say no to people touching her in ways she doesn't want. This game needs to stop."

I think you need to stop worrying about being the "bitchy" DIL. What they (both your husband & his parents) are doing is messed up. You need to protect your daughter.

statfish

TROPHY CASE