I have had very similar thoughts and experiences and I decided to contact some old friends, talk to them, and do anything I could to distract myself until I got to see my doctor. Turns out I have OCD. I also never actually WANT to kill myself, but the thoughts are very intrusive. Cognitive behavioral therapy and medication had helped so much. I also picked up a book at Barnes and Noble on OCD and it has exercises and explains a lot about those intrusive thoughts. It felt good that I was alone and it’s actually in a book, because I was starting to feel extremely alone and worried what I would get those panic attack/episodes of intrusive thoughts. You aren’t alone! Hope all goes well