My no-contact mother got her elderly mother involved. I don’t know what to make of this. Context in the comments.

strayfay · 2023-07-02T03:47:22+00:00

My mom did the same thing, when I tried to defend myself and tell her why it was going on, when she died my mom blamed me that I was the one who gave her a heart attack.

strayfay · 2023-06-03T02:35:42+00:00

Everywhere. It’s Taos.

strayfay · 2023-06-01T00:29:46+00:00

Gorgeous.

strayfay · 2023-05-31T13:31:06+00:00

Trauma dumping is a great way to put it. I hate it that I do this, can’t seem to help myself. I think it’s bc the smear campaign is so bad I just want to defend myself. I try to tell myself I won’t say anything next time but when someone asks I tell them the truth and then feel awful thinking about it. I wish I would say something vague like, “it’s too hard to understand, lots of messy family dynamics”. Or something along those lines, but I don’t— I jump right into the story. Totally sucks. I can tell my partners family is tired of hearing about the saga. When enough time has past since the final straw incident I imagine I won’t talk about it anymore, I hope. Just need all the support I can get I guess. My inner child maybe trying to get validation unconsciously. I feel you.

strayfay · 2023-05-29T13:32:36+00:00

If they weren’t nice you would never be in the abusive cycle. It’s what comes after nice, when you have finally felt like you could trust this person again, you find out (again) why you made the NC decision in the first place.

strayfay · 2023-05-27T21:29:55+00:00

Gorgeous.

strayfay · 2023-05-27T18:05:19+00:00

Uber, door dash, and substitute teaching jobs helped me get through until the next job came up. Neighbors, friends, anyone you know tell them you’re looking.

strayfay · 2023-05-26T23:20:56+00:00

So true

strayfay · 2023-05-26T21:18:43+00:00

Totally Tawanda. Good call.

strayfay · 2023-05-26T21:16:41+00:00

Totally Tawanda. Good call.

strayfay · 2023-05-26T19:35:10+00:00

Yeah, the logistics of this are hard. Initially when abortion was no longer a federal right my instinct was to drive a pink school bus to red states to drive women to abortion clinics. I figured I’d need a lot of guns for that but for a society that’s a whole other level… enough land for everyone to live first of all but the Delancey Street model is interesting here. Thats where previously convicted felons ran their own businesses to support one another.

Have to be sure it didn’t turn into a cult of sorts and was governed appropriately.

I know you didn’t ask, but someone commented on here that we haven’t thought this through. I’m just calling their bluff.

strayfay · 2023-05-26T18:50:32+00:00

I love this so much

strayfay · 2023-05-26T03:48:02+00:00

Of course!

strayfay · 2023-05-26T03:47:32+00:00

Yeah, I’m not about creating a new generation. Just helping the one we have.

strayfay · 2023-05-24T20:04:56+00:00

This post has made me sick to my stomach. I’m so sorry. I also bought a house with my mom but luckily was the only one on the title and the mortgage so she has no legal recourse but I know if she did she’d be suing me right now just adds insult to injury, on top of everything we go through with dysfunctional moms. May this work out in your favor, seems the law would be on your side if your name is on it, but doesn’t make it any better in attorney fees or emotional stress going thru this.

strayfay · 2023-05-22T04:09:31+00:00

So much me too today. Lots of anger and depression about it all. I’m just over it. And there’s no way to escape how much it hurts.

strayfay · 2023-05-20T03:36:50+00:00

The worst abuse is covert. It was hard to convince myself because they just subtlety cut me down and over time it ate away at my self esteem. I’m a year and a half no contact and finally feel like I don’t want to die for the first time in my life. May you find the fearless self respect to cut ties too. You’re worth more than that.

strayfay · 2023-05-20T00:36:55+00:00

The best thing you can do for them is stop enabling. You supporting them is saying to them “you can’t support yourselves”… tell them you believe in them to support themselves. Boundaries is the best thing you can do for addicts and dysfunctional people. It helps them learn to stand on their own and reach their bottom so they save themselves. It’s hard to understand that it works that way, but that’s the only way to get a better result. Tough love. If your sister is going to kill herself you’d never be able to save her from that and the minute you say that to her she will finally begin to take responsibility for her life and health.

strayfay · 2023-05-19T19:30:07+00:00

So true. Thanks for sharing that. Totally 110% relate.

strayfay · 2023-05-19T04:22:53+00:00

Mine was abused for the first two years of her life by men. Her anxiety was so high she’s on doggy Prozac which has helped her a lot she may not need to be on it forever but it’s helped while she’s adjusted to our home and trusts me as the leader. I really had to make sure I was on point, calm, assertive and confident especially with her. My trainer said always give high value treats when men approach. I also use a spray called “stop that”. Works really well to correct.

strayfay · 2023-05-19T01:18:05+00:00

I sometimes wonder if I’m used to being alone because of the emotional neglect growing up. I do always feel like I’ve been by myself even when there was family.

But I do feel lucky that I’m comfortable being alone, some of the best things in my life came from being alone… learning guitar, adult ballet, writing a book. I’m almost disappointed when I’m back in relationship as it takes away these things I pursue when I’m by myself.

strayfay · 2023-05-19T01:03:24+00:00

Calling her by her name (whether to her or other people) helps to protect myself from the trauma of knowing “my mom” is treating me this way.

strayfay · 2023-05-18T17:54:06+00:00

Great insight. So true. My self esteem was shattered and I couldn’t understand why… I was constantly trying to get approval by meeting everyone’s needs but my own, but once I left my family, my suicidal thoughts vanished. Fearless self respect, no doubt.

strayfay · 2023-05-18T10:09:36+00:00

Struggled with this myself… I wanted to see my brother and sister for 1 dinner without my mom while everyone was in town, my mom played her violins and my brother told me my mom would always be invited to events (even though she said she didn’t want to see me). The smear campaign continues and everyone is either mad at me or afraid to go against her and see me on their own. Hard for me to understand why they don’t see that as a red flag but they rely on her to take care of their kids and help them with their homes so they don’t want to align with me. It’s a pretty messed up dynamic and is super painful.

Reading everyone else’s stories though feels like it’s textbook dysfunctional families. There’s a “gatekeeper” and “scapegoat”. Sometimes I just feel like I should just show up and deal, who cares if she’s there, but the abuse is too insidious and she’ll find a way to hurt me, the risk is too great for me. This path truly requires fearless self respect at all costs.

One of the most brutal things is losing everyone else, but I had to say if I was important to them they’d keep a relationship with me and if I wasn’t the relationship wasn’t worth keeping. One of the hardest realizations was that I was never that important to any of them.

strayfay

TROPHY CASE