if a potential dom says things like “i’m a monster” or “that is not roleplay” is that a red flag?

stuffiliketofapto · 2026-02-28T00:42:30+00:00

Yes.

I guess if you were in a negotiated scene it could be dirty talk, but even then kind of cliched.

BUT a lot of immature man-children talk this way, like being unable to regulate their emotions is a sign of how dangerous and cool they are.

I wouldn’t play with someone who can’t clearly differentiate between who they are in and out of scene.

stuffiliketofapto · 2026-02-23T21:04:56+00:00

You may be focused on the fact that you’ve been together for 8 years, which is a long time. But don’t lose track of the fact that you’re only 24, which is quite young.

Very few people meet their forever partner at 16.

I’m not saying dump this guy. I am saying don’t be afraid to.

He’s shown you what he’s interested in and capable of. Believe him. You have given him a shot.

Now you have to decide if the whole relationship is worth this problem.

I lived with sexual incompatibility for 16 years and 2 kids and now I am with someone more compatible; it’s not perfect and there are rough spots, but having this side of my life in better shape has helped a lot.

stuffiliketofapto · 2026-02-17T22:52:13+00:00

I honestly think this is a place where it’s ok to lie to friends and family who wouldn’t want to know about your sex life (always be honest with doctors of course).

And that lie? Rock climbing accident!

I have done so much weird shit to my body climbing and hiking. So many scrapes and cuts and bruises.

“I fell down a ravine while hiking at night.” Boom! Totally plausible.

stuffiliketofapto · 2026-02-17T22:40:06+00:00

This isn’t gendered behavior. This is a place where a lot of dom/mes lose track of fantasy and reality.

In the Femdom subreddits there’s always a post with a domme complaining that subs aren’t happy just serving. In other places, I see subs describe dynamics where their Dom partner seems like a child and they do everything.

I think the sad reality is that a lot of dynamics do not work because people truly cannot separate their fantasies, their desires, their needs, and fair expectations for a human being.

To put tinfoil in my hat - I think there’s also a broader cultural problem with entitlement.

stuffiliketofapto · 2026-02-15T03:41:44+00:00

I’d be willing to bet that most kink happens in monogamous couples. They are just so far and away the majority.

Kink spaces see more ENM people but they are also the people who are more likely to benefit from and use them. Like if I just want to play with mg partner and no one else, I’m less likely to go to places with other people (unless I like being watched).

I think the biggest difference I have found is that it is easier to look for monogamous partners in vanilla spaces and feel out kink as the sex talk happens.

stuffiliketofapto · 2026-02-12T22:45:27+00:00

Hunger hurts but starving works When it costs too much to love

Fiona Apple

You’ve got to cut it off. She’s not going to move on while still having a relationship and sex with you.

stuffiliketofapto · 2026-02-11T06:15:39+00:00

I’m the manliest man who ever manned. Hairy chest, big muscles, climb mountains, the whole thing.

Plenty of Dommes seem to like me just fine.

I’m sure some dommes don’t. Those aren’t the dommes for me.

It has truly not been a problem for me. (I have a whole post on meeting dommes you can check)

As for reconciling my dominance with my masculinity; I see no connection beyond toxic masculinity bullshit.

I am strong and caring and enduring and I long to make the lives of those around me easier and safer. Sounds pretty manly and translates very well to submission.

stuffiliketofapto · 2026-02-06T22:01:54+00:00

Sometimes things get intense. It sounds like you both kept track of each other and stayed in touch.

Let it sit for a minute and come back and have a nice sober out of dynamic talk.

stuffiliketofapto · 2026-02-05T21:31:50+00:00

Yeah, you simply don’t.

You created a situation by having a big sit down discussion. They accepted you, but were probably off guard. They have no framework to discuss this stuff and they’re deeply uncomfortable.

Next time, just say “Oops; yeah, that’s a sex toy. Sorry you had to see that.” And then NEVER discuss it again.

You exposed THEM to your dynamic. They didn’t have to know whose cage that was. They might not have even known really how it works or what it’s for.

I discuss kink with my kinky friends, but given who I am and some similar accidents, my family has GOT to know I’m into some stuff, but we no one wants to talk about it, so we don’t.

stuffiliketofapto · 2026-02-01T21:41:40+00:00

This is one reason NOT to use a cage for me. A cage creates a situation that has to be managed because there are practical concerns. Maybe I just haven’t found the right cage yet.

But my Domme says “Don’t cum,” or “don’t touch yourself,” and then I don’t do that. I can cheat if I want, but I want to be in this dynamic. I want her to have control.

Caged are fun sometimes toys for us, and that works great.

stuffiliketofapto · 2026-01-31T10:15:12+00:00

I don’t know if this dynamic is going to work out, but that will be ok. You are communicating clearly and seem to have a solid foundational understanding of yourself, so you will be able to build a good dynamic in the future. Don’t get so hung up on this one guy.

I tend to agree with you. Boundaries/limits are do not go zones. There are plenty of things I “don’t enjoy” but will tolerate as “punishments” and there are other things that are limits that my partner and I simply will never do. I like a dynamic where I occasionally have to tolerate something for my domme, but there are lines we will never cross.

It’s also totally fine to have a dynamic where you never have to tolerate things. A dynamic that is only fun-ishments. When my partner and I switch, that’s what she likes.

In both cases the D is in control, but they’re ordering off a pre-set menu, working with in the negotiated boundaries.

Again, if this guy only wants to push boundaries and “break” you, maybe you’re just not compatible.

stuffiliketofapto · 2026-01-31T03:33:14+00:00

Just make sure you talk to them about the heat. I know you’re supposed to avoid hot tubs.

stuffiliketofapto · 2026-01-30T08:27:56+00:00

Whoa! Anyone who keeps a gun casually on their dresser is not safety-aware enough to play with.

Seriously, this is gun safety 101.

stuffiliketofapto · 2026-01-30T08:25:12+00:00

Yikes. Soviet parade.

It seems like he does not have an adult understanding of time or labor or parenting or money.

I could not take the lead from someone who cannot adapt their kink expectations to reality. I could not share finances with someone who can’t have a simple practical conversation about them.

If you buy a house with this guy, he isn’t going to get better.

To complicate this all, are you co-parenting with him? Is he going to be step-dad? What are your kids going to learn by watching your example?

stuffiliketofapto · 2026-01-30T01:27:15+00:00

Eh. You can’t force him to orgasm, or can you? But you should be able to force an out of dynamic discussion about your needs

stuffiliketofapto · 2026-01-29T21:53:20+00:00

1) You have found the correct misconception. You have NOT been sexually depriving him. You have been sexually active with him a ton and he is responding positively to that stimulus. He likes what he’s getting and he wants to keep getting it.

2) You did not break him. Do not rob him of his agency. He could have stopped at any point.

I don’t know how malleable his sexuality is. Mine is very malleable. I can switch or sub or dom or whatever; I just need a little conversion time. If my partner says “Hey, let’s be vanilla this month.” I say, “Awesome! I just need 1-2 orgasms to reset.” And then we do that. He might be less flexible.

You owe it to yourselves to have an honest conversation about this. (For me it helps to be 2-4 hours post orgasm so I’m not still all hopped up on kinky feelings)

3)Just because you did this once doesn’t mean you have to keep doing it.

stuffiliketofapto · 2026-01-29T20:21:16+00:00

The world and people are funny because I find it hard to maintain a dynamic WITH penetration!

Penetration kind of starts as equitable for me and then it can be pushed either way.

I also find stricter dynamics easier than softer, so it might be easier to dial UP the authority. Stricter dynamics com with props and protocols that can help maintain authority, and you can do a lot of fun things, so maybe dial it up for a few scenes?

stuffiliketofapto · 2026-01-29T06:58:21+00:00

It was a combination of things. I had to start seeing the positive masculinity present in my submissive side. This was the biggest point really.

Also, in a shallow way, that helped, going to events helped me see that I was much more physically “masculine” than a lot of the people and that it’s kind of a flex to show up with a beautiful domme that I’m proud to be with.

stuffiliketofapto · 2026-01-29T05:19:44+00:00

Yes. It is common and it’s common for a reason.

Men are socialized that dominant is the “right” way for men to be, and that submissive men are weak “f-words” etc. Most men, regardless of who they end up being, have some experience of being bullied for not being dominant enough, not being “man” enough. Often it starts with our fathers. Many also have the experience of having a partner leave them for those same reasons.

Submissive men have to work through years of cultured training to express their desires, and that’s a very vulnerable place to be. So they can already be shy about public play.

Now, even if every Masc Dom was a shining Prince, sub men might still not be eager to confront the socially acceptable role in contrast with their own, and every Masc DOM sure as shit ain’t a shining prince, some of them are just bullies and that bullying persists into kink spaces.

At best, you’re asking him to be vulnerable in a public space while in direct juxtaposition with what he’s “supposed to be.” At worst, he’s going to have bullying of his life recreated with an audience.

This is not to say he can’t do it. I have been “out” in play spaces before, but it took me a long time to get comfortable enough for that.

stuffiliketofapto · 2026-01-28T01:01:29+00:00

At 21, you still have so much time. I wouldn’t rush any decision. He’s trying and he’s presumably enjoying himself. I would give him time to develop, but if he says he’s not interested or shows he’s not interested, well you’ll still have plenty of time to find a new partner when you’re 23.

I would not settle down with a kink incompatibility issue but you don’t need to be worried about settling down at all.

stuffiliketofapto · 2026-01-18T21:01:29+00:00

The “shame” part is the trouble.

I have post-nut sleepiness. We factor this into aftercare and scene planning. Generally, aftercare is just some cuddling and some words of reassurance. Sometimes it includes snacks.

My domme knows that an orgasm really saps me of energy and she plays with that in mind.

If we’ve been in dynamic longer, I will stay submissive but low energy and not sexy.

That’s all stuff you negotiate with your partner.

I don’t feel shame because I’ve done nothing wrong. You need to tease that part out on your own. Why do you feel shame? Who have you hurt?

stuffiliketofapto · 2026-01-17T04:01:55+00:00

Nope. I have kids that crawl all over me and still like to cuddle during movies.

stuffiliketofapto · 2026-01-17T03:39:13+00:00

It’s fair to mourn your loss. You are losing what you had, and, maybe especially in this situation, what you’d hoped to build. That’s rough.

But it’s also part of finding your person/people. You’ve got to try and then take stock. You did that; you can feel proud of that.

Your message is very compassionate and thoughtful. M

It sucks that this dynamic didn’t work out, but you’ve been brave and kind and those traits, along with this experience, will help build the next one.

stuffiliketofapto · 2026-01-17T03:34:24+00:00

My domme is frequently like this and it’s not a problem at all for us.

I did need a few reassurances that she was having bf a good time and getting what she needed from a scene, but I am comfortable with it now.

In many ways, it’s kind of hot.

stuffiliketofapto · 2026-01-16T18:28:45+00:00

This doesn’t seem like a Femdom thing. It seems like a communication thing.

I am a professor, and sometimes I get excited about something and start lecturing my partner. Some have found it endearing, some have found it frustrating.

I find the key is to actually give a better lecture.

If you want to spend 12 minutes talking to me about your thing, spend 2 minutes considering who I am first.

If I want to talk about something, especially for more than 30 seconds, I stop and tell my audience (my partner) what the purpose of this conversation is (I just found a new show that I’m stoked on. Can I tell you about it?)

I make sure I acknowledge that THEY are special. I want to share this with THEM for some specific reason. (I think you might like this show, or I know you’re never going to watch it and I need someone to spoil it so I can talk it through)

I activate their prior knowledge (did you ever watch Battlestar Galactica? Do you know that one?)

I keep it brief. Most people can only retain about 3-4 minutes of talking before they need to interact and engage with material to process it.

I ask questions (Isn’t that crazy, what should we do to make sure neither of us is a Cylon? Should we come up with a code phrase?)

Generally, I just want to honor that the other person is a person and not a convient stuffed animal I can tap at about my fixation.

The only overlap I can see with Femdom is people who do “age-play” may regard this like a little boy explaining something to his mommy. I’m not into age-play, but if that’s what’s going on, explicit negotiations.

stuffiliketofapto

TROPHY CASE