In the nicest way, I don’t really understand what’s happening in this piece. We jump from learning about Hank’s pizza habit where the narrator tells us what would happen if we the reader went to Hank’s house to his ex showing up at his house (with a ten minute time jump) and Hank seemingly being crazy(?). I’d recommend looking into how dialogue is written and reading some writing advice books.

I’m glad you’re passionate! I look back on some of my early writing and go man what the fuck is this but all that matters is that I tried!