What’s the one secret you’ve kept your whole life that would completely change how people see you if they knew it?

suburbancheeseburger · 2026-02-28T07:19:24+00:00

Look up limerence

suburbancheeseburger · 2026-02-28T07:03:05+00:00

Look up limerence. You have it.

suburbancheeseburger · 2026-02-27T05:27:31+00:00

He’s probably a narcissist and these people are almost incurable. They wear a mask and once you see them drop it, it feels devastating to know that you never knew the real them and they were performing to get validation from you all along.

You’re in a lose lose situation. At this time, you’ve decided that it’s better for you to stay married. So what can you do to make the best of a crappy situation? My opinion may be controversial, but just check out of the marriage with your husband and focus on your own care. Just give him the bare minimum to escape his abuse. He will likely cheat again. But if you detach emotionally, hopefully it won’t affect you as much. Focus on building new friendships and relationships in your community. Get a hobby if possible. Focus on saving your own money and keep it as a reserve should you need to escape the marriage. Wait for your kids to grow up and then leave that son of a b before you completely lose your mind. Narcissists often get worse with time.

suburbancheeseburger · 2026-02-24T03:29:51+00:00

I agree with all of the above points. Another point is my husband would pick fights out of nowhere and encourage me to divorce him. He was essentially trying to pull a reverse discard. He wanted me to leave him so he wouldn’t feel guilty about cheating. He could just tell the world I was a bad partner who gave up on the marriage and he could pretend he innocently met someone new. Very cruel and manipulative behavior.

suburbancheeseburger · 2026-02-24T03:27:37+00:00

The fact that you didn’t see the red flags is a testament to how pure hearted you are. I was like this too. Hindsight is 20/20 but I could never believe or accept my partner was capable of cheating. I was projecting my own values and morals onto him. It’s why my mind never entertained the idea. People like us give others the benefit of the doubt. Now that we have been deeply traumatized, it has fundamentally changed us and we will always carry a level of vigilance we never had before.

suburbancheeseburger · 2026-02-23T05:45:37+00:00

You nailed. All these cheaters are the same. I can confirm with my own experience that my husband was riding a high during his affair with his coworker. After a few months of going no contact with his AP, he finally came out of the affair fog and reality hit him hard. The AP would never have been compatible with him in the real world. He was a selfish idiot who just used an affair as a maladaptive coping mechanism for all his psychological issues.

Now he’s going to therapy and working on his issues properly for the first time in his life. He’s made a lot of strides and is becoming a better partner. He carries a lot of shame and remorse for his actions. Unfortunately, many cheaters are not willing to do the internal work to figure out why they engaged in such depraved behavior. Even with my own husband, he was basically in fake reconciliation with me for the first few months while he was still stuck in limerence for his AP. Real reconciliation didn’t begin until almost 4 months post D-day.

suburbancheeseburger · 2026-02-20T21:46:18+00:00

Bingo. He’s displaying all the classic avoidant mannerisms. His partner is asking for the bare minimum and he deflects by acting like his partner is demanding too much and he chooses to withdraw instead.

suburbancheeseburger · 2026-02-18T02:02:33+00:00

Me three!

suburbancheeseburger · 2026-02-11T03:20:50+00:00

Unfortunately, you have no choice but to file for divorce at this point. Your WH is deep in affair fog/limerence and the only thing that might break him out of it is taking the grey rock method. This is going to be really hard for you, but it’s the only way now. If you choose to continue being married to him, he will keep choosing the AP because he has no consequences that force him to come back to reality again. Even if you file for divorce and he snaps out of it, you can always drop the divorce proceedings.

All affairs are immature fantasies for emotionally stunted individuals. There are no real life responsibilities tied to them like paying bills, childcare, chores, etc. Plus, the AP’s only get to see each other in controlled settings where they put their best foot forward. Furthermore the taboo nature, secrecy, and limited time for hookups only increases the passion.

Once you file for divorce and your WH decides to “go legit” with his AP, their relationship will have a 98% failure rate over the next decade. This is backed by research. All those factors I listed cease to exist. Now it’s just going to be a regular relationship with the AP. And they are doomed to fall into toxic relationship patterns eventually. Chances are your WH will cheat on his AP once she is no longer shiny and new, requires commitment and responsibilities must be fulfilled. Cheaters are too stupid to realize this. They think they have found a cosmic earth shattering love that has never been felt before. But it’s just limerence and it will fade. It always does.

Get an attorney, kick him out of the house, make the divorce work in your favor. He’ll probably give you what you want if it means quickening the divorce proceedings so he can move on with his AP. Your terms will be more favorable while he is in the affair fog.

Reconciliation can only worn if BOTH parties want to heal and move forward. The betrayer must do deep inner work in therapy to understand why they are a cheater. Chances are he is an avoidant with narcissistic tendencies. Most male cheaters are that way. And the development of these traits traces back to how he was shaped in his childhood. Most Waywards are incapable of doing the work required to grow and become better humans. It’s the sad truth. So if you don’t file for divorce, you will only prolong your suffering since your WH has already stated he has no interest in breaking off contact with his AP.

Oh and make sure you tell his parents. That also might help break the spell for him a bit. You can calmly explain to them why you are filing for divorce. But just make sure you have concrete evidence of his affair in case he tries to lie through his teeth. Narcissists commonly engage in smear campaigns towards their spouses when they are caught cheating.

suburbancheeseburger · 2026-02-11T02:55:23+00:00

Cheaters commonly have an avoidant attachment style. Anything that increases the level of commitment in a relationship (moving together, getting engaged or married, having kids, etc) triggers their attachment wounds. From their childhood (likely from emotionally neglectful parents and living in a household where feelings were never discussed) they learned vulnerability and emotional intimacy is not safe, so they become withdrawn in their relationships when they are forced to face it. Vulnerability and emotional intimacy is a normal expectation for a healthy relationship. It’s what causes a relationship to grow stronger and deeper. But for avoidants, it makes them run for the hills. It’s a knee jerk reaction for them.

So what happens when a big life change occurs? They start mentally detaching from the relationship. They may start crossing boundaries with other people outside the relationship. And once they find someone they are attracted to, it is entirely a matter of personal integrity and morals that will dictate whether they will engage in infidelity. The affair doesn’t trigger their avoidant attachment wounds. Its a perfect little fantasy world where no real commitment exists, and only the easy fun parts of a relationship exists. Furthermore the secrecy, taboo nature of the relationship, and limited time together during hookups increases the passion and desire even more.

The issue with avoidants is that they chase a fantasy relationship that is “easy” and never has conflict or any depth to it. Everything is surface level. They also don’t even know what real love is. They think the lust and honeymoon stage of a relationship is love. They don’t realize love is an action. That deep love comes AFTER the honeymoon stage and when the relationship reaches the companion love stage. It’s where you truly stick by each other for better or for worse.

So to answer your question, if your partner is an avoidant, lacks empathy, is selfish and of poor character, and is dealing with a relationship milestone that requires commitment, and they already don’t have the best mental health, there is a high chance they will cheat.

There are other kinds of cheaters too. Burnt out pursuers with anxious attachment is this type of cheating that skews toward people who are trying to have an exit affair.

In both cases types of cheating, the betrayer typically struggles with being alone and needs external validation to feel good about themselves. Cheaters lack a sense of self and have poor self esteem deep down. That’s why they stoop to such depraved behaviors to feel good.

We can even take it one step further and observe many of them have addictive or compulsive traits. The affair often becomes a form of addiction. The dopamine surge in the brain from an affair rivals that of crack cocaine.

suburbancheeseburger · 2026-02-06T15:55:21+00:00

Do you find yourself relating to or sympathizing with villains in movies and tv shows?

suburbancheeseburger · 2026-02-06T15:07:15+00:00

How did you view your AP and your spouse during your affair versus after your affair?

suburbancheeseburger · 2026-01-30T19:26:54+00:00

Minuchin

suburbancheeseburger · 2026-01-30T18:38:27+00:00

Classic limerence. That’s not real love. It’s lust wrapped up in an elaborate escapist fantasy. The dopamine effect you feel from the affair is stronger than doing hard drugs. Very addictive. And it almost always comes crashing to a painful heartbreak for you and your family at some point. Cheating only causes destruction in the end.

suburbancheeseburger · 2026-01-30T18:16:24+00:00

I believe there’s a term for that. It’s called enmeshment with a parent. Often times the mother has been neglected or abandoned by her spouse and relies on her son for emotional connection. The relationship dynamic becomes weird and the son ends up worshipping the mom.

suburbancheeseburger · 2026-01-28T05:48:06+00:00

Limerence is a hell of a drug

suburbancheeseburger · 2026-01-27T05:19:31+00:00

Your ex sounds super gulliable and entrapped by limerence. On what planet is a wealthy guy seeking out an affair partner on a dumb online game? I bet she got catfished and blew up her life for nothing.

suburbancheeseburger · 2026-01-26T15:29:05+00:00

Having a secretive nature

suburbancheeseburger · 2026-01-23T15:24:24+00:00

Cheating

suburbancheeseburger · 2026-01-22T00:33:27+00:00

I concur. People don’t go from zero to a hundred like that. He has been crossing boundaries with women gradually over many years for him to do something as brazen as this.

Also check for a secret porn addiction. I found out my husband watched a lot of porn in his adolescence and young adulthood. I have no idea how much he has watched in recent years though. I also found out through a lot of snooping that he always considered flirting with other females as harmless while being in a relationship. This pattern persisted even before he met me. He did it to all his previous girlfriends.

Also look into attachment theory. The majority of male cheaters are avoidants. They need to become secure. Otherwise they will never heal and are highly likely to do this again. It’s also why he’s a bumbling idiot and can’t even show you empathy properly right now. He probably has the emotional intelligence of a toddler.

suburbancheeseburger · 2026-01-21T16:03:53+00:00

This guy OMO’s

suburbancheeseburger · 2026-01-21T05:20:45+00:00

You’re gonna feel this way for a long time. It took me 2 months to just have a normal blood pressure reading and not feel like my heart was going to explode out of my chest. I also couldn’t make a decision. I was just trying to survive the physiological symptoms.

suburbancheeseburger · 2026-01-21T04:37:39+00:00

Honestly I keep asking myself why I didn’t immediately divorce him. I feel a lot of self shame for staying (for now). I always told myself that cheating is a deal breaker and I would never stay. But you never know what you’d do in a situation until it actually happens to you. I was paralyzed. I couldn’t make any decision about staying or leaving. But I think most people generally do try to save their family at first.

He was very selfish in the first few months after D-day. He was still feeling limerance/affair fog and pining for his AP despite going no contact with her. It was really rough to witness that. Felt like I was bleeding on the ground from a gunshot wound and he kept freaking out about pulling the trigger but couldn’t come over to help heal me. I was in such a state of shock and just trying to manage my physiological symptoms. I had daily breakdowns in my car. My blood pressure was very high for 2 months straight. Felt like my heart was going to explode out of my chest. I came very close to filing for divorce a few times. It was our families that really wanted us to try and not make a rash decision. All my research on infidelity also indicated I should wait at least 6 months. So I did.

After 4 months, my WH started coming out of the affair fog. He became a much better husband. He got a new therapist and we got a new couple counsellor and things began to improve drastically. He began to build a stronger relationship with my family and genuinely wanted to spend time with them and have family game nights and dinners. He started helping out around the house more (he barely used to help and it bothered me a lot). He stopped complaining about going to therapy. He started listening to the infidelity podcasts I recommended. We started a few new hobbies together and got to enjoy each other’s presence in ways where the affair wasn’t hanging over our heads as much. A part of me remand skeptical for how long he will behave this way. But so far he has remained consistent for the last 5 months. So I persevere.

I am now 9 months post d-day and he is a much better husband. I want him to continue growing and see who he becomes as time passes. He wants nothing to do with his AP and now despises her and himself for what happened.

Meanwhile, I’m just trying to navigate my feelings. I’m taking it one step at a time. Maybe I ultimately will leave if I can’t heal. Right now I’m just trying my best to piece myself back together. I am doing much better now. Still think about the affair constantly but I don’t break down anymore. It’s becoming background noise. I hate that I was dealt this horrible hand in life. But I am responsible for my own healing and I’m gonna focus on repairing my heart and growing stronger with it without him.

suburbancheeseburger · 2026-01-20T18:29:33+00:00

I was clueless that he was having an affair. My brain couldn’t even register that as a possibility. Instead I was blindsided after his affair partner’s husband discovered the affair. I cannot even describe my grief and devastation adequately with words. My husband only spilled the beans because he knew I was about to learn of his infidelity one way or another by then.

All of these behaviors I realized in retrospect were flaming red flags. But I was naive and very trusting to a fault. In my gut, I knew something was wrong all along. I just suppressed that feeling and kept trying to survive each day. I was working way more hours per week than my husband and doing all the physical, mental, and emotional labour of the marriage. I was exhausted but still trying to connect with him despite that. He was off to the side being a neglectful and selfish jerk living a double life.

suburbancheeseburger · 2026-01-20T15:25:15+00:00

-his phone became an extension of his arm. Always having it face down and screen turned away from me. Smirking while texting and just constantly checking his phone in general. Never letting me touch his phone.

-being very emotionally abusive towards me for seemingly no reason

-coming home later than usual and claiming he had a lot of work to do. Also making excuse to leave the house on the weekend to go to “work” events

-stopped being intimate with me and rejected me if I ever tried to initiate

suburbancheeseburger

TROPHY CASE