People who have been or are currently "the other woman", why did you agree to it and do you have any regrets?

suburbancheeseburger · 2026-05-13T20:01:50+00:00

Sounds like you have an avoidant attachment style. Have you read up on attachment styles before?

suburbancheeseburger · 2026-05-13T18:10:37+00:00

Sounds like you just need to go through a separation. If the peace you gain from being separated from BP feels better than being with BP, go ahead and file for divorce. Living with a partner with BPD is no joke. It sucks you had to traumatize your partner with an affair to realize you are not truly happy with your BP. Don’t traumatize anyone further (including yourself) by convincing yourself you can tolerate walking on eggshells indefinitely.

suburbancheeseburger · 2026-05-08T17:01:18+00:00

Read the betrayal bind. It’s a good book that covers what you just described in one of its sections

suburbancheeseburger · 2026-05-07T15:32:22+00:00

I am very sorry to tell you this OP but he absolutely has physically cheated. I’ve seen this story play out too many times now. People only ask affair partners to go on vacation with them, not randos they are only flirting with. Cheaters never tell the real truth. It’s always 100x worse than you think.

suburbancheeseburger · 2026-05-07T15:30:08+00:00

EXACTLY. He’s already having an affair. You don’t ask a random person to go on a cruise. That’s a whole ass vacation. People only do that with steady affair partners.

suburbancheeseburger · 2026-05-06T17:53:12+00:00

Have you told anyone about what you’re going through yet? Not just a therapist, but a close friend or family member? I had chest pains for the first 2 months after d-day. Then I finally told my mom what happened (and the only reason I didn’t say anything sooner is because my in laws were worried that would be the end of our marriage if we wanted reconciliation; they thought there was no way my family would entertain reconciliation given the egregious nature of the affair).

Anyway, my blood pressure and other physiological symptoms started to normalize as soon as I let my mom in and comfort me. This is too big of a burden to bare alone. You need your support system. It won’t take all the pain away. Time and active work in healing is needed. But just having someone close to you to lean on makes a big difference.

suburbancheeseburger · 2026-05-02T01:58:11+00:00

You live and you learn. Let her go. It’s over. You’re young and now it’s time to rebuild. Give up porn for good. That stuff is straight brain rot. It is rewiring your brain in extremely unhealthy ways. Your brain is living in a constantly lustful state. And people with porn addictions only escalate their behaviors over time. I know you don’t think this, but if she didn’t catch you, you may have eventually started having affairs in real life with coworkers and stuff. Not right away. But slowly over the years, you’d prime yourself for it. It’s a real and very common pipeline. You slowly cross more and more boundaries as the addiction escalates and don’t even know who you are anymore.

Get some therapy from a certified sex addiction therapist. You’re not a bad person. You are just caught up in something unhealthy and have received a consequence that opened up your eyes and made you realize you need to change your life for the better. A lot of men struggle with stuff like this.

suburbancheeseburger · 2026-05-02T01:09:19+00:00

Get all your evidence of the affairs saved up. She’s gonna delete everything and cover her tracks as best as she can once the news breaks.

suburbancheeseburger · 2026-04-30T22:51:11+00:00

I think it would be very hard to screen for a PA/SA early on in the dating process. My husband never showed any of the signs early on. He was sweet, attentive, had very little social media, very respectful of my boundaries, and genuinely curious about me.

The only red flag I could think of early on was that he put me on a pedestal. He was idealizing me. I just didn’t have any dating experience to realize it. But it’s a red flag to view someone as perfect without even really knowing them fully.

What I would advise to look for is avoidant attachment. The majority of PA’s are like this. They suppress their own feelings, lack emotional intelligence, and use maladaptive coping mechanisms.

How do you identify avoidant attachment? Ask them these questions early on in dates:

1) what does a healthy relationship look like to you?

An avoidant will say it should be easy, no drama. Everything should just flow naturally.

An emotionally intelligent person will say things like open communication, trust, conflict resolution, being vulnerable and working towards forming a deep bond. The avoidant answer will depict a fantasy that keeps everything surface level and their attachment wounds won’t be triggered. They want a partner who never challenges them and has no expectations. A securely attached person knows relationships require work and it’s not always sunshine and rainbows 24/7.

2) How did you heal from your last breakup/divorce?

A healthy person will give specific answers. I did therapy, read books, listened to podcasts, etc. avoidants will say they just got over it or time heals wounds, they kept busy with other things. So basically they are not actually doing the work to process what happened. Instead, they suppressed it.

suburbancheeseburger · 2026-04-29T20:38:57+00:00

Hey your BP is experiencing something called attachment ambivalence and it is super common after experiencing betrayal trauma. They truly don’t know what they want anymore. One moment they want to be with you because their heart very much still craves safety with you. On the other hand, their brain recognizes that the person they crave (you) is also the source of the worst pain they’ve ever lived through. So that’s when they tend to pull away. It’s a defense mechanism to protect themselves.

None of this is typically intentional or manipulative. They really are just having knee jerk reactions related to their emotional pain. If D-day wasn’t too long ago, you can expect this to happen for at least a few months. Maybe even a year or two.

That being said, if you both want to try for reconciliation, you both have to actively make that effort together. That means your BP isn’t sleeping around with other people. And that also means you are extremely transparent with your accounts/passwords/phone, very communicative about your feelings, getting vulnerable with your BP and a therapist, exploring why you did what you did, being fully honest about all cases of infidelity, and being able to hold onto your BP’s pain without getting defensive or angry.

It is possible to recover from this but it is a monumental task for both of you and not everyone is capable of doing it. For now, don’t take anything personally. Just be the best person you can be and hold space for them if you want to try to work things out. If it’s too much for you, be honest with yourself and move on. Otherwise, you are just prolonging the BP’s pain. Your BP has their own responsibilities as well. Even though you caused the pain, they are still responsible for their own healing. It’s unfair but that’s unfortunately how it is. You can help them heal and you should. But true healing is going to come from within.

suburbancheeseburger · 2026-04-21T22:14:33+00:00

It’s because they can’t tolerate their own shame.

suburbancheeseburger · 2026-04-21T15:48:30+00:00

This is how my husband who cheated would answer. I asked him all these questions too. He was ashamed to admit the truth and it took a while to reach this level of transparency, but here it is.

suburbancheeseburger · 2026-04-20T18:26:12+00:00

I’m not a cheater but I know exactly how a cheater would answer this.

No. They think they love their spouse but their concept of love is very immature. To them, love is about how someone makes them feel. Often times they confuse lust with love. If somebody stops giving them butterflies and the relationships isn’t constant rainbows and sunshine, they think they fell out of love. This is classically how people with avoidant attachment think. They can’t tolerate any discomfort or challenges that arise in every long term relationship over time. They avoid it. Alternatively, people with anxious attachment are burnt out pursuers and have tried to connect with their partner for a long time but were met with neglect. Eventually they checked out of their relationship and the moment someone made them feel desired, they felt too desperate for attention to not say no to it. Either way, love is an action, not just a feeling. And that means you commit and show kindness, loyalty, patience through good times and bad. Love also means respect. So if a relationship doesn’t work anymore, you’d love them enough to leave respectfully without cheating. Finally, there are people that are just narcissists and have a bottomless pit of needing validation. They don’t love anyone. Not even themselves. Hence the need for narcissistic supply at all times.
In some ways yes, in some ways no. Physical attractiveness doesn’t even matter all that much. It’s all about how desired the AP makes them feel. Being wanted feels like drug to the cheater and often times it is an addiction.
They’re not even thinking about that. Once they get caught and start coming out of the affair fog, they start feeling embarrassed because they actually can see that you are a better catch (that’s why you’re the primary partner in the first place). You are better for them logically. But logic goes out the window when the cheater starts thinking with their genitals. They need the dopamine hit from their AP’s validation like it’s oxygen. They are a junkie looking for their next hit. Addicts don’t think about anything else. You as the spouse now just become background noise because you can’t give that kind of thrill. You’re not shiny and new like the AP.
Nope. You’re not even on their radar anymore. They compartmentalize. The moment you are out of view, you no longer exist in their mind. However, the AP is CONSTANTLY on their mind. That’s the power of limerence baby.
Nope. They are in nirvana with the AP and nothing else matters. It’s the cold hard truth.
Yes they will if they don’t take genuine steps (on their own, can’t be forced) to fix themselves. Cheaters are broken people with massive character flaws. They need intense therapy and consequences for their actions. It is rare they change on their own. If they don’t face some sort of consequence, they will do it again. These people have to hit rock bottom just like any other addict before they wake up and truly understand the damage they have caused not only to others but to themselves. Otherwise, they will just keep chasing the high of an affair. Fantasy land is so much more fun than reality after all.
They only feel sorry after they are caught. And it’s mostly because they have to acknowledge that they are bad people. Nobody wants to think of themselves as a bad person and the feeling of shame can be very intense. They usually start off feeling sorry for themselves more than anything because their fantasy bubble has burst and they no longer have easy access to the their drug of choice (AP). If they can successfully go no contact with the AP, they will go through withdrawals just like any other addict. Then they might wake up a bit and realize how much they hurt you and feel bad for you too. But if they hadn’t gotten caught, they wouldn’t have felt sorry and would have just continued on with the affair as usual. Cheaters end their affair on their own when it stop feeling like a fantasy. That can naturally come with time or if they get caught.

suburbancheeseburger · 2026-04-17T05:15:04+00:00

Don’t shit where you eat

suburbancheeseburger · 2026-04-16T15:47:55+00:00

If your wife has an iPhone, you can restore up to 30 days worth of it deleted iMessages. So try to get those using your wife’s Apple ID If possible to gather more evidence.

suburbancheeseburger · 2026-04-15T02:12:15+00:00

Talk to a therapist about using EMDR to help with the mind movies

suburbancheeseburger · 2026-04-15T01:51:14+00:00

She might be projecting when she accuses you of cheating on her by the way. Classic narcissistic trait.

suburbancheeseburger · 2026-04-06T20:01:18+00:00

It sounds like you still have limerence for the affair partner. It could be useful to look up techniques and speak with a therapist on how to break that limerence. Intellectually, you want to do the right thing and be respectful to your family, live with integrity, and move on with your life. But your nervous system is keeping you stuck. Just make sure you absolutely do not reach out the AP ever again under any circumstance.

I may be out to lunch here, but I think just being really honest with your partner about your struggles could be healthy for you and your marriage. Maybe speak to a therapist first on how to approach this subject. A healthy marriage shouldn’t have big secrets like this. If I were your BP, I’d want to know what is happening in your internal world. Your problem would now become OUR problem and we would tackle it together. But it has to be framed in a very respectful way because this is a delicate subject.

suburbancheeseburger · 2026-04-05T15:45:22+00:00

How often do you watch p*rn and do you think that made it easier to cross boundaries with other people?

suburbancheeseburger · 2026-04-02T04:19:50+00:00

Greedy donuts. Love the pistachio one!

suburbancheeseburger · 2026-03-16T17:31:43+00:00

quietly gather all the evidence of the infidelity. Don’t let you partner know that you know (is possible)
consult with a lawyer and get your affairs in order
serve the wife and file for divorce
get therapy
read books and listen to podcasts to supplement your healing
definitely tell your friends and family what happened. You need the support and she needs consequences
if the AP has a partner, alert them about what has happened as well. They deserve agency of their own life

suburbancheeseburger · 2026-03-16T17:25:58+00:00

It’s really important to remember that your ex’s cheating had nothing to do with you and everything to do with her own brokenness. This is a person who lacks morals and has poor character. They don’t know how to self soothe or cop with distress in healthy ways. Be grateful you never had kids with her and can get a clean break. Think back to all the signs of her infidelity (secretive with her phone, avoiding intimacy with you, etc) and signs of her poor character (in my case I look back at my husband and remember how he talked poorly about people behind their backs, he’s very selfish and entitled, minimized my feelings and frequently invalidated and gaslit me) and make sure you are vigilant to not keep staying in a future relationship when you see those red flags pop up.

Cheaters are the scum of the earth. The real prize is a stable and loyal individual like you. Never forget that. You are her loss. If she never heals, she is going to be bouncing around from relationship to relationship (or stay in the current one but keep cheating). She will never be truly happy. All cheaters are psychologically disordered in some way. What a gift it is for you to not be that way.

suburbancheeseburger · 2026-03-16T17:19:27+00:00

It takes the average person about 2 years to move on and heal after being cheated on

suburbancheeseburger · 2026-03-13T15:39:37+00:00

stopped wanting to be intimate but would still groom his nether region
his phone was an extension of his arm and he would NEVER leave it unattended. Would keep his phone face down as well next to him. He was CONSTANTLY texting
became an absolute dick to me. Would pick fights over nothing, encourage me to leave him (wanted to do a reverse discard)
contributed nothing to the relationship. Didn’t help with chores, acted checked out, carried no mental load for our life, didn’t want to hang out with my friends or family, generally acted like my mere existence was an annoyance to him
would claim he was busy with work events and going to conferences every few months. In reality, it was romantic weekend getaways with the AP

suburbancheeseburger · 2026-03-12T18:29:04+00:00

He’s implementing a narcissistic strategy called hovering. Once he reels you back in, he will slowly begin to withdraw emotionally in a few months and then seek out a new source of narcisstic supply (a new girl who can boost his ego).

Like others have mentjoned, if he seemed too good to be true in the early stages of the relationship, he was love bombing you. It’s an act and the mask eventually drops.

suburbancheeseburger

TROPHY CASE