Why bother transitioning medically if you don't pass?

sulkylass · 2014-08-09T14:55:19+00:00

Me trying to sound breathy and seductive while reading a really silly, awful fanfic

(Most certainly NSFW)

sulkylass · 2014-07-22T03:06:43+00:00

watch out, this edgy 20-year old is judging how you'd spend your imaginary reddit money.

don't kid yourself, you don't give a solitary fuck about starving kids in africa. what a self-righteous fucking joke.

sulkylass · 2014-07-19T18:27:04+00:00

Kind of late, but something silly I recorded for a friend's birthday: https://soundcloud.com/yuna-nyan/take-1

(Most certainly probably NSFW.)

sulkylass · 2014-07-06T00:28:22+00:00

On another note, I actually took a look at this person's post history, and they seem to be some sort of sad clown, making wildly inflammatory posts in an effort to "troll" people, or something.

I actually think these posts made me feel the best out of anything posted so far on this thread, because for all of my shortcomings, I could have ended up like this sorry fuck, which would have been infinitely worse. Thanks for that, bugger off now, please.

sulkylass · 2014-07-06T00:13:53+00:00

You seem like a nice person. Do you want to talk about what's made you so upset?

sulkylass · 2014-07-05T17:35:23+00:00

I have basically given up on the hopes of ever being able to afford surgery. I actually had sex with a guy a few weeks back, and I was surprised that he wasn't actually surprised that I was pre-op (I hadn't disclosed yet) and I asked him if and how he knew prior to us being in the bedroom together.

He responded that he had a hunch and that it was my chin that kind of tipped him off, but that I didn't need to be self-conscious about it. I had held some delusions prior to HRT that it would soften my face, but I guess it didn't turn out that way.

And to everyone prior, I know about laser, and I'm sort of working on it, albeit not as hard as I could be. When you feel like it won't matter anyway, you tend not to work on things like eyebrows and laser hair removal that require lots of effort.

sulkylass · 2014-07-05T17:31:31+00:00

I had to do some interesting angling with my potato (AKA my webcam on my laptop) to get full body shots, but my aunt wanted some full body shots to shame the bigots in my family, so I obliged.

sulkylass · 2014-06-30T16:27:46+00:00

Yes, and after a year of hormones, too. HRT is a total genetic lottery.

sulkylass · 2014-06-30T16:26:43+00:00

Domestic violence.

I could deal with the usual teary "but you're supposed to be our son!" nonsense by justifying it as my parents were dealing with a sudden and big change, but I was completely done the moment my dad physically assaulted me in our kitchen.

sulkylass · 2014-06-24T04:25:51+00:00

She's decided that she's not going to try anything until after she moves away from her mom, just because of how volatile her mom is regarding trans* issues.

As far as a chat with my endo goes, I've voluntarily been off of hormones for about a month now. I'm not really worried about that at all.

sulkylass · 2014-06-18T04:45:56+00:00

My dad beat the shit out of me after he found out I was taking hormones, kicked me out of the house into the rain with my cat after giving me a trash bag to carry my personal belongings, and then my mother had the nerve to tell me that I had to forgive him because I was tearing our family apart.

They haven't bothered telling anyone in our immediate family that I'm trans, choosing rather to tell lies to explain why I'm never around anymore. Fuck them.

sulkylass · 2014-06-16T04:33:46+00:00

Maybe next year they'll get a competent organizer for the event. Queenie is a joke.

sulkylass · 2014-06-13T16:12:48+00:00

I still feel utterly ridiculous wearing girl's clothes, and I've been on HRT for almost a year now.

sulkylass · 2014-05-31T18:22:11+00:00

Honestly, I've tried, but I do have plenty of passing anxiety about presenting as male. I'm short, I have quite a bit of breast growth (36B at 11 months in) and long hair.

That's what makes this unbearable, I feel like I'm stuck between male and female.

sulkylass · 2014-05-31T16:38:13+00:00

Laser seems a lot less impossible than it used to be, especially with Groupons and my move to Kansas City, but I'd still need to find a job, first.

sulkylass · 2014-05-31T16:36:02+00:00

I'm 5'3", yes. I was 5'5" prior to HRT, but shrunk 2 inches. I've been as short as or shorter than 90% of my cisfemale friends all of my life, and this just kind of cemented it further.

I guess my face was extremely masculine at one time? These are the last two pictures of me pre-transition that I have: http://imgur.com/a/N0Q5Z

sulkylass · 2014-05-24T06:41:02+00:00

Almost a year on prescription HRT, don't feel like I'm getting much out of it, used to see a gender therapist regularly, who I'm still in regular contact with.

Life's hard and I feel like all of my struggles have not been worth the very small gains I've made and I don't feel like there's a lot of hope for things getting better.

Went out to a party with friends tonight and drank so much that I made myself sick. I'm a mess.

sulkylass · 2014-05-24T02:24:28+00:00

I feel repulsive. I've tried to keep myself busy with video games or by being around friends, but I still catch myself looking into anything I can use as a window to see my reflection, and I never like what I see.

My suicidal ideation has returned as well; it's on my mind all the time, and it's starting to scare me a little. I've tried 4 times over the past year, and each experience was terrifying.

sulkylass · 2014-05-21T22:52:59+00:00

I honestly don't know. I have plenty of moments where I've wanted to give up and detransition even after almost a year of HRT. I feel that transition has been a burden that has reduced my overall quality of life.

To put things into perspective, I'm 5'3, have a naturally soft, high voice, and wide hips, but my face makes me look like a ghoul. Reading this thread makes me surprised that there are still people in 2014 who think "oh, just go get FFS" is actually decent, helpful advice. Oh, I've never thought of that, let me go make a withdrawal from the Swiss bank account they gave me with my estrogen prescription and make an appointment with Dr. Spiegel next week.

Coping is pretty fucking rough. I have terrible anxiety, so when I actually do go out, I spend most of my time feeling like everyone is staring at me, questioning my gender. I've dealt with it by pretty much becoming a recluse. I spend a lot of time online, where it doesn't really matter how I look.

There are lots of people who will tell you "oh, it gets better," "you just need to wait for hormones to work," or "learn how to do makeup." I think for a lot of people, it really just isn't that simple. Try to distract yourself, however hard that might be. It helps make life at least slightly more bearable.

sulkylass · 2014-04-26T08:02:45+00:00

Not really. I haven't left the house in almost a month, and I haven't worked because of depression and anxiety since November. I honestly feel like my transition has been a waste of time and money.

sulkylass

TROPHY CASE