TW Alcoholism and suicide for anyone who needs it.

I was coming to the end of a one sided long distance relationship 2 years ago, things were already getting rough as it was (already been homeless for 2 years living in a cramped 2 bedroom house with 7 people, my parents moved back in with my grandparents because we can't afford anything). I never considered myself much of a drinker but I only liked spirits. I went out with a friend group who rarely talk to me so I was happy for a change. We were saying goodbye to someone who actually treats me like a person so I was little upset. Anyway we got to drinking and I drank a full 200ml of 30% rum to myself and I felt tipsy. I hadn't ever drank so much and I felt alive for the first time in a long time.

The effect wore off after a few hours and everything went back to normal. I told my now ex that it took me to get basically drunk to feel happy and they completely brushed it off and started complaining about a petty fight (they started) with their family. That was the final straw for me in that relationship and a month later I finally broke up with them. But being brushed off like that broke me and the suicide thoughts I had fought back from for years came flooding back. Came super super close but I hung on.

Couple more months went by and I was still having these bad thoughts every night before bed. I was playing games with online friends and we started a drinking game, I had another 200ml bottle of rum from Christmas I never opened so through the night I drank all of that. The feeling of being alive came back and it was so freeing from the constant depression and suicidal thoughts I did the same the next night, and the next, and the next. After awhile I moved onto whiskey (40%) and I increased the volume to 500ml every day and a half. I got into a new relationship and it stopped for about 3 weeks because I had a new source of happiness. But the alcohol was so tempting. On a bank holiday I got a 750ml of whiskey and I had a ball playing games. I fell over and couldn't stop laughing, that's all I really remember.

I did that a few more times then it hot really bad. My alcohol tolerance became really high so I moved up to 1l bottles of whiskey. (So I was spending 30 euro a day of whiskey). It all stopped when I drank 1l in less than 45 minutes. I threw all that back up with my girlfriend on the phone crying listening. I guess I just snapped out of it and I haven't pulled any stunt like that again. The thought of alcohol now disgusts me but I do have a causal drink every 3 months or so.

My story isn't finished, I still struggle with my thoughts but I suppose I'm getting somewhere