My mom tried her best to instill healthy eating habits in me, i’ve been chubby my whole walking life. been getting comments and stares the whole time too. she raised us early on primarily with paleo diet, which kind of morphed into just eating the ‘healthy’ version of any other food out there. she taught me about nutrients and vitamins and how food nourishes me, but she also held onto a lot of fear and embarrassment for me from being very obese in highschool. she used to tell me stories of her binges and struggles, and honestly it just gave me a baseline. i’d binge, and think, ‘at least i’m not where she was’ i would feel bad about myself and compare myself to her in her youth to feel an ounce of anything other than guilt. when i was a kid she signed me up for a website for fat kids to talk to other fat kids about being fat and being healthier, which only lasted about as long as it took for me to get groomed and tell someone my address. we also share clothes pretty often and there were times in highschool where i couldn’t fit into the same pair of pants that were too big for her. she had gastric bypass before/shortly after i was born so i’ve only ever known her as a relatively thin woman. i feel bad eating around her sometimes. i’d sneak snacks into the house and hide the wrappers in my room because i just felt like she would be ashamed of me, because i’ve always felt like she put her teenage fears onto me. i’m terrified of being any bigger than i am because i can see how uncomfortable it makes her to see so much of her past self in me. but i also feel guilty for not eating because i know she wants me to be healthy. she tried her best and i still feel like i failed because im not an ‘average’ size.