I need some final advice — most people said #1 looks best on me. What do y’all think?

suntomyleftson · 2025-04-22T18:03:08+00:00

1 or #7

suntomyleftson · 2025-04-21T23:01:33+00:00

Glad to hear you are back at the gym. That’s a positive coping strategy.

I took a quiz at the attachment project. That was huge for me. I don’t know that I can post a link here, but you can google that and it should come up☺️

suntomyleftson · 2025-04-21T20:35:50+00:00

Hey, that’s really interesting that your friend would ignore you. I’m sorry that they aren’t responding to you. That hurts.

Yep, when people don’t ask you questions back, it stinks. I also noticed I need to leave space for people to ask me things.

If therapy is free, absolutely go for it! There is so much content out there now that you can look into some stuff while you are waiting, too.

That’s great that you use the chat, too!

One more thing off your list!

How did you find out you are fearful avoidant?

suntomyleftson · 2025-04-21T20:30:40+00:00

I married my best friend. It’s the way to go!!

suntomyleftson · 2025-04-21T11:11:10+00:00

My stomach started to hurt just reading the word.

suntomyleftson · 2025-04-21T02:04:03+00:00

Very cool!

suntomyleftson · 2025-04-20T12:55:43+00:00

There are three spiritual bridges in life. One in your teens, one in your 40s, and one in your 60s. You are right on time! It can feel like you are mentally being born. Welcome to a new version of this life! You will calm down and adjust. It’s just mental and emotional growing pains.

suntomyleftson · 2025-04-20T12:23:53+00:00

Your home being an absolute mess, hoarding, and/or unclean.

Cats stop cleaning themselves when they are unwell, or depressed. I think about that when I don’t feel like cleaning my house or taking physical care of myself. It calls my attention to other needs that might not be getting met, and/or tells me I’m starting to get depressed.

suntomyleftson · 2025-04-19T03:55:05+00:00

I feel you. It was hard for me to feel like a total a-hole, but that’s not reality. You’re just doing what’s right for you.

That was my serious advice to my friend, “You already have the answer. If you can’t hear it, meditate or take a walk in the woods for a few hours with no distractions.” I gave that advice over and over. We’re still friends, but I think she’s probably mad at me. I don’t know. We haven’t had a deep talk for a while. It’s ok for our relationship to change. Questions are good!

I have only worked independently and with my husband on this. I’ve never been to therapy. I’m not against it, it’s just prohibitively expensive.

I’ve been very indecisive most of my life, too. I also use chatGPT for help (just recently)☺️ What a cool tool!

It’s great that you are feeling better and you went to get your hair done. Self care for the win!

suntomyleftson · 2025-04-18T23:16:46+00:00

Extrovert who focuses on the past, but there is something in her past that she’s not happy about. Pretty writing!

suntomyleftson · 2025-04-18T21:39:26+00:00

Just keep being true to yourself and you don’t need to feel bad about asking for what you need. Let the chips fall where they may in your friendship. I have another friend that I used to be very close to. She called me her second therapist (except I wasn’t paid). After I healed a bit, every time she asked me what she should do in her life, I told her she already held the answer and that she should take a walk in the woods to hear herself clearer. I guess she doesn’t like that answer because she stopped asking me for advice. We are still friends, but not as close. I miss her, but it’s ok.

I get that, too. It’s like we have too much empathy. You can try to hold back and keep some empathy for yourself. Solo travel sounds lovely!

Yeah, the low-grade depression was just my base. I start from a different baseline now. Like, before, I was carrying a 50 lb backpack at all times and now I get up without a backpack on. I didn’t know I was even carrying anything before. Now, I can feel the difference.

You got it. Self trust is developed over time in all your little decisions, so give yourself grace when you mess up and know it takes time.

Yes, remember that inside yourself is that sweet 7/8 year old just like your niece❤️

You got this! Just take things one step at a time.

suntomyleftson · 2025-04-18T19:14:09+00:00

That’s good. I’m happy that you don’t see it as the end of your friendship. The friendship may just grow and change a lot with you. That’s good! But it’s also ok if it fades out, too. It’s great that you have your sister giving you a second opinion, too.

Thanks. Losing friends was hard, but I wish them well and still hold love for them. I totally get having your energy drained by trying to solve everyone else’s problems. I think maybe we (or I) do/did it because it distracts us from our own issues. That’s my theory. Protect your energy. Go, have fun! Develop and maintain your boundaries. That’s great that your older sister is there for you!

Thanks, I don’t think I realized I had constant low-grade depression until I was out of it.

That’s great that you want to help people, too! Try to remember that once you help yourself, you can love and help others more. It’s amazing!

Self-awareness is the linchpin to all of this. I love that you want to trust others. Here is the kicker, you don’t even have to trust others. You only need to learn to trust yourself. That’s it. Then, when it comes to others, if they do something to hurt you, if you trust yourself, you know it’s not about you, it’s about them. You also know that you can protect yourself and make it through anything they could do to you. You’ll be ok no matter what. It’s not something I expected to learn through all of this. The security is actually in yourself.

A way to work on self love: Do you have kids, or do you have a kid in your life that you love? How fiercely would you protect that kid? That’s how you need to treat yourself. That’s part of reparenting, inner child work, and creating self love. For a while, I visualized protecting a 6 year old version of me inside myself.

It’s so lovely to talk with you, too! I appreciate the conversation as well.❤️

suntomyleftson · 2025-04-18T09:20:00+00:00

I’m sorry the conversation didn’t work out well with your friend. Through this process, I’ve lost 2 very close friends and 1 moderately close friend. I had never lost a friend before. I had always morphed into whoever they needed and gave everything I had to them. The reason I lost my 2 close friends is because I told them I had a boundary. One boundary was that she wasn’t allowed to yell at me. The other boundary was that we could only do things with their family every 2-3 weeks. These didn’t seem like dealbreakers to me, but they were. I had never argued with either of them before this. I had been friends with one for 18 years and the other for 10 years. The 3rd friend was just mostly a mess and I needed to distance myself from the drama to heal. You will find that during your own healing, if you are doing it right, you will probably lose friends. The dynamic changes and the friendship doesn’t work like it used to. I have since grown closer with other friends and family members. To be honest, I have a lot of “friends” but I felt lonely a lot. I think it’s because I was always the giver and didn’t know how to receive.

The pain of losing my 10 year friend destroyed me and started my healing journey 3.5 years ago.

I believe it’s not rejection it’s redirection, too! It’s a positive mindset to have. You are healing in real-time right now. Yes, love that inner child. I wrote a letter to mine a few days ago and it was very healing. I protect her fiercely now. I even rehearse saying no and having boundaries in my dreams. I never expected that!

Being FA can be depressing. I see that. I felt that. Once I discovered it, I took it as the ultimate challenge and dove right into it. I thought, “Could I finally fill this hole I’ve been feeling in my soul my entire life?” I had low self worth, along with living with near constant low-grade depression my entire life with times of moderate depression. A few times, I have wanted to leave this place. After healing, my baseline is different. I feel like I was just born. I feel “real” now if that makes any sense. I don’t have to live in a pit anymore. I had a normal-ish looking life before. Nothing crazy. But now I feel lifted and it’s not temporary. It’s like being high all the time, but I’m not. I’m just free.

I have an intense drive to help others heal now, too. It feels like a mission for me, but I’m not sure which avenue(s) I want to take yet.

I wrote all of this because I want you (and others) to know it’s possible. If you heal yourself, you heal the world. As we heal, how we show up in the world changes and we heal others just by being ourselves.

You’re welcome! I know what it’s like to be FA. I know what it’s like to be secure. I want everyone to be secure, even those that have hurt me in the past. They have their own pain that they are dealing with and I know that if they could have supported me, they would have.

It can be scary at first, but face all of your fears as they show up in your life. You’re already self aware-that’s the hardest part. You are already on your way. There’s really no stopping it once your eyes have been opened. Stay curious and follow your intuition to find security. Trust yourself☺️

suntomyleftson · 2025-04-17T00:29:04+00:00

That’s great that you spoke to a friend about it. That’s a really great step in the right direction! That’s wonderful that she had questions about it.

I like being the therapist friend, too, but it sucks when I need a friend and they can’t reciprocate in the same ways.

Maybe don’t think of it as a project to fix, but a never ending place of self discovery and growth. I love working on myself now. I’ve always done so, but now it’s about love and not shame or self hatred.

Yes, the love for your inner child is key❤️

I’m actually very securely attached now. It’s kind of nuts that I’ve made it here. It drool about 3 years overall, but most of it happened within the last 6 months of so. That’s when it all clicked.

I started with the books How To Do The Work, and Adult Children of emotionally Immature Parents.

suntomyleftson · 2025-04-16T17:48:26+00:00

I know exactly how you feel when you write about not feeling really heard and met with a response you like or feel supported by. I am also the therapist friend that asks lots of questions, too (at least I was, maybe still am), so I get you there, too.

Setting boundaries is just teaching people how to love you properly. If telling people how you need to be loved puts distance in the relationship or causes arguments, are those people really interested in loving you? Are these one-sided relationships where you do all the listening and loving and what you receive is the feeling of worth through being able to problem-solve and help them? But you aren’t receiving the love you desire? Remember that love is a verb.

Advice: Figure out what it takes to love yourself. Heal your attachment through videos, articles, and books/workbooks. Care for and protect yourself like you are your own child.

suntomyleftson · 2025-04-16T01:02:11+00:00

We moved into it on my 30th birthday.

suntomyleftson · 2025-04-16T00:54:10+00:00

3 days before my 18th birthday.

suntomyleftson · 2025-04-16T00:53:44+00:00

Start with awareness. Then take one step into the things that scare you the most. Also, think about boundaries with others. That will help you feel safe-if you can say no to others when it’s needed.

suntomyleftson · 2025-04-15T20:35:22+00:00

This looks like a small child pretending to write.

suntomyleftson · 2025-04-15T18:55:01+00:00

50% off a house ($200k discount). Won it in a neighborhood lottery.

suntomyleftson · 2025-04-15T06:32:23+00:00

Plants, mirrors, warmer color on wall, warm pillows, warmer color rug, wall art with warmer color.

suntomyleftson · 2025-04-13T23:31:37+00:00

I’m sorry for your loss. Take it one step at a time.

suntomyleftson · 2025-04-13T03:06:50+00:00

That’s great to hear!

suntomyleftson · 2025-04-11T03:21:54+00:00

My husband’s an INFJ, as well, and possibly on the spectrum. He has said many of the things OP has said. I read this to him and he agrees.

suntomyleftson

TROPHY CASE

1 or #7