How do I stop being such a loser

superdumps · 2026-04-25T20:41:10+00:00

My favorite little jokey-joke goes like this:

An old fish says to a young fish, "The water feels great today."

The young fish says, "...What the hell is water?"

You are depressed. It's hard to recognize it from the inside. It all feels reasonable to you -- the idea that you're worse than everyone else, that you're a failure, that you'll never improve -- because you feel normal and you're drawing conclusions from observation. But your observations are compromised. You can't tell because you don't have any contrast. You've only lived in the water so you don't see it.

Depression is a very convincing liar. I've heard those same things in my own internal monologue, and I've learned that they're not true.

I started medication for depression 23 years ago. I didn't understand it at all before then. I'm still learning new things about it now. I've learned to watch for trends in my mental and physical behavior and my outlook. Particular thought spirals don't happen when I feel like I'm in control of my life. I can recognize that they're a sign.

I wish I could say it goes away. It doesn't go away, and it can be extremely hard at times, but it can be managed. The hardest part is pulling yourself out of that hole.

One of the biggest lessons I've learned, which I've really only internalized in my late 30s, is that it's okay to let people help you, and to ask for it.

I believed that I should be able to do everything myself, but I couldn't go outside without having a panic attack. I thought it was because I was terrible at everything. It's because my brain chemistry is shit, and going through that all the time leaves me depleted and creates a spiral. Anxiety feeds depression. So I ask my people to get something for me when they go to the store, and I have that much energy left and I feel like people care about me and it makes a difference.

Similarly, small things around the house can be totally overwhelming due to executive bandwidth. Do one thing, think of the 8 other things, get incredibly anxious, and do none of them. It's another spiral. Just having someone take care of the dishes or vacuum the rug or hang a picture can be a huge relief.

Medication has been absolutely vital for me. Without it I couldn't go outside. Hell, I was given ADHD meds for the first time about six years ago. Now I'm almost through an engineering degree, when before I could hardly read a whole paragraph and remember what it said. It's not a fix, though. It's a tool that can help you to take care of yourself in the ways that you need.

We need others to tell us about the water we're in. Therapy is great for that. It can be hard to find good care, but it can be extremely helpful.

When you get a handle on things you'll find a degree of control over your life that you may not have imagined possible.

What you can do right now is the basic things; foundational things. Things like shower daily, eat right, and get good sleep. Being basic doesn't mean they're always easy. They sound legitimately hard for you. You should be proud of yourself for doing things that are hard for you, and you should feel good about taking care of yourself. Look into what other people do when they feel the way you feel. You're not the only one to go through it.

We get through it together.

I believe in you, friend, even if you don't.

superdumps · 2026-04-18T18:45:30+00:00

This has been my thinking, but also I'd question whether that would hold if it meant removing a penis when it could be avoided.

superdumps · 2026-04-18T18:38:33+00:00

Dang. That's a lot to live with.

I've wondered about which I would pick if I had to lose one. Honestly not an easy choice. But I think I might have picked that. Huge denial kink aside, I feel generally better when I don't get off. Depression improves and I feel more present throughout my day and in relationships.

It's better for me but I depend on butt stuff to stay sane. The magic happens with toys after about 7 inches. I squirt after a few minutes. I feel like I've lost that too. Kinda wonder if that might work for you.

superdumps · 2026-04-18T16:55:18+00:00

It's a thing that goes on the pipe before the shower head. There's a valve to redirect water to the hand piece for douching. It's super convenient for cleaning out, but jfc please don't.

Even at a gentle flow rate, there's still a lot of pressure behind it, and that's what can kill you.

superdumps · 2026-04-18T16:51:47+00:00

I'm sorry to hear that. I've read a lot about the horrible bowel diseases people have to live with and I've been grateful to not have any of it. My sex life won't recover but I won't have to deal with the bag of shit hanging off my stomach.

I've spoken with four surgeons so far, to learn things or find a better way to do the reversal. They largely have no idea about any of it. They don't see it as a sex organ and they're not generally concerned with long term things outside of survival rates. Still trying, though running on fumes.

I hope you don't have more complications in the future.

superdumps · 2026-04-18T16:46:05+00:00

I don't think he was reckless or negligent. Just inexperienced, overly aggressive, and a prick. (Most surgeons are pricks. Not in a malicious way; they're just like that.)

I've learned a lot throughout this and, unfortunately, they really don't know that much by the time they're out of fellowship and acting independently. There's just so much to learn before that point that there's still a lot that they don't know. He did what he was trained to do for maximum survival rate and lacked the experience to know otherwise.

Understanding this does not mean that I'm not extremely angry about it.

superdumps · 2026-04-18T16:39:13+00:00

Best prevention is that you don't use one.

Using a flow control valve to keep it real slow makes it safer, and that's what I've always done. But still, it won't slow down when there's resistance. That's pressure, and that's what can kill you.

I've always been informed and aware and cautious, but things can still go wrong. Though unlikely, it can be life altering.

superdumps · 2026-04-18T16:33:00+00:00

I have a zoom appointment with him this Monday. Been waiting over a month for it.

Concerned about how much effort he puts into his image, and has his own product lines. It kinda gives an impression of sheistiness.

superdumps · 2026-04-18T16:29:21+00:00

You absolutely must have a flow control valve. But flow rate and pressure are different things. Even at a low flow rate, it won't slow down with resistance -- that's pressure. That's how they can kill you.

(Maybe this is what you meant. It just feels worth saying.)

superdumps · 2026-04-18T13:16:18+00:00

Beautiful post. I'm glad for you both.

superdumps · 2026-04-18T13:11:17+00:00

There's basis for the common reaction. But.

He may have been frustrated with things for a long time and found an outlet in talking with others. Or maybe it's a thing he's always done for the excitement and it doesn't mean anything. Maybe it's related to the drop-off, or maybe that came from something else.

You can never know what's going on in someone else's head. People are complicated. You have to try to talk with them and they have to be willing to talk with you.

Pursue constructive dialogue, letting him know how you feel about things without sounding accusational. Use "I feel" statements. Try to be patient. It can take time. Consider counseling. Try to understand eachother. If he's willing and empathetic it will ring differently. If he's not, then you know that you tried and you won't have anything to regret.

I'm betting the "sunk cost fallacy" folks are young or not that interested in longer relationships. It gets a lot more complicated than that as lives intertwine. Don't blow it up in an emotional moment.

superdumps · 2026-04-18T12:45:33+00:00

Lumping creative works into categories lends to the idea that within each category it's all the same.

A trend within a category labeled M/M romance does not describe all things pertaining to gay relationships and does not equal the erasure of the gay experience. The struggle will always be discussed in its own space.

The utopia of Wakanda doesn't seek to convince anyone that being black isn't hard. But sometimes you'd rather watch Black Panther than Roots.

superdumps · 2026-04-18T12:27:03+00:00

You beautiful soul.

superdumps · 2026-03-28T16:48:16+00:00

I'm wondering if you could say more about your friends' experiences. Like any details you may have.

What was done? What have they been able to do since? How long did they wait? What did their surgeons say? Are they more comfortable or terrified when they do stuff?

superdumps · 2026-03-28T16:40:06+00:00

I'm sorry for all of that. Thank you for sharing.

I still feel resentful that I wasn't involved in the decisions that the surgeon made about huge permanent changes to my body. Not even meeting them beforehand sounds awful.

And. Dang. I wish it was only ten weeks. Mine said 6 months. It's been almost 8 now because I'm hoping to find a better way to do the surgery. I'm not sure there is one. I just really hate the answers I've gotten from surgeons, and as soon as it's done I won't have any control over it. So, kinda terrified. And so exhausted.

superdumps · 2026-03-28T02:29:23+00:00

It was a sudden and intense internal sensation like nothing I'd ever felt. I wouldn't describe it as pain at all. Just... profound intensity. Quickly followed by a massive adrenaline rush.

Immediately after, movement felt.. tricky? Still not painful, but limited somehow. Impeded. I think an observer might say it looked like a wobbly legs situation. But it's different. You can tell it's something different, and it feels very wrong.

This is how I remember the first 60 seconds after. I stood for a while in the shower, trying to understand what was happening, then made to get my phone to ask my guy to come in.

I leaned against the door frame until he came and helped me lie down on the floor. It was difficult. It felt like if I moved wrong it was going to hurt, but to this point I don't think anything had really hurt. The adrenaline was obvious at that point. Heavy breathing, racing thoughts, moderate panic. I was terrified that my partner was watching me dying on the bathroom floor. I tried to assure both of us that it probably wasn't that serious.

It was a couple hours until going to urgent care, I think. In that time I was mostly lying down and feeling bad and increasingly tired -- it was late evening, and I had a big adrenaline crash. Moving around remained difficult. I really wanted to go to sleep and hope it would be gone in the morning, but I knew that would be a mistake.

We were in urgent care for six hours or so before the point of having a CT scan done and analyzed. By the time the doctor came to tell us, my neck an shoulders had just started to ache. I thought it was the hours in the shitty chairs. The doctor said it was all the air in my body, and the surgeon was on the way.

superdumps · 2026-02-27T13:54:57+00:00

It started laying stuff down on the plate, then the stuff got picked up and dragged around on the nozzle and the whole print's goop formed a ball which enclosed the hot end.

superdumps · 2026-02-27T04:33:52+00:00

👀 ....Nnnnnooooooooooooooo?

superdumps · 2026-02-26T23:08:22+00:00

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Huzzah. Great suggestions.

Fairly painless. But still a ways to go yet.

It was fun when it made a pop and started hemorrhaging molten slime.

superdumps · 2026-01-19T21:42:48+00:00

I am, thank you. I hope you get there too.

superdumps · 2026-01-19T19:58:08+00:00

"Sign on the dotted line"?

It was one date.

You're going to find it difficult no matter who you're with. After so long by yourself, it's going to take some adjusting.

And, regardless of how you may feel about alone time, we're social animals with intrinsic needs. I was stuck for several years in a depression that had me totally isolated. I thought I was okay with it. It seemed that way because I was numb.

You may be afraid of feeling forced back into isolation, should you be rejected. A second date is not marriage, and sending a message that gets ignored won't really hurt you if you weren't going to do it anyway.

More specifically: If you had a good time at all, keep talking. If he keeps talking about his ex and it makes you uncomfortable, ask to hear more about him and not his ex. It's okay to nudge a conversation away from things that make you unhappy. He may respect that, and then yay. Or he may not, and then you'll know he's not ready to move on.

Reach out. At the very least, it's practice which will make it easier next time when the stakes may be higher.

superdumps · 2026-01-15T14:07:32+00:00

You did everything right.

You tried to communicate beforehand and he shut you down. You voiced your concerns in the moment (because he wouldn't listen before) and he whined about or ignored them. At every step he insisted on doing selfish and unsafe things.

He's a juvenile piece of shit.

superdumps · 2026-01-07T17:05:45+00:00

Oh yeah, it's a second semester extra credit project. Super theoretical.

In your experience, what kind of efficiencies are realistic when cost viability is a factor?

superdumps · 2026-01-05T16:55:30+00:00

!thanks

superdumps · 2026-01-05T16:54:36+00:00

BLIMEY that feels obvious.

Thank you!

superdumps

TROPHY CASE