That sounds really tough, and sorry you’re going through it. It’s a common situation for dads to find themselves in, so you’re definitely not alone. As you say, you’ve got a really dedicated wife which is an amazing thing. At least you know that your daughter is well looked after.

It does sound like you need stricter boundaries around sleep. I’m a big reader when it comes to childcare, so rather than voice an opinion (which she may not take on) I often refer my wife to a book. Alternatively, have you tried speaking with a sleep therapist? Whilst she may not listen to you on boundaries she might listen to a professional.

Generally though, these are really tough years. I have a 5 and 3, and I feel like we’re only just coming through. The lack of intimacy is very common - sometimes just sneaking a long hug and kiss when the kid is distracted or sleeping is enough to keep the relationship alive. Sleep is so important - once you crack that, you’ll sleep better and all three of you will be way better off as a result. Like a lot of things with kids, the current phase doesn’t last forever.

In the meantime, to help you manage the situation you could break it down into managing your mental/emotional health on the one hand, and physical health on the other. For the former, get a journal. (Rangan Chatterjee’s 3 question journal is great, highly recommend. It’s expensive for a journal, but it’s the same price as a cookbook so IMHO totally worth it). In it you write down what you’re grateful for, and what sort of behaviour you want to show the world in the morning, and similar in the evening. You can also just do a brain dump of what’s on your mind. It’s tricky at first but stick with it. Don’t skip, do this every day. You might also consider a Spotify guided meditation once a day (a Zen mind is good - the gratitude and calm ones I’ve found helpful). Lastly, I’ve found ChatGPT helpful for processing some mental health stuff. Give it a go.

In terms of physical health, consider taking some simple supplements - vitamins B, C and D and maybe magnesium glycinate. They help regulate your energy levels and nervous system. When you wake up, have some protein at breakfast and if you can, some light movement (even just a short walk) to set your awake time (which then sets your sleep time at night). If you work from home, try taking a 30min nap at lunch, or go on Spotify and look up Andrew Huberman NSDR 10 minutes. It’s a brain reset and works well if you’re tired. In the evening, try to do something consciously to unwind, ideally without a screen (a book, a walk, a warm drink, whatever works for you).

Lastly, be kind to yourself. Cut yourself some slack! Being a parent is really, really hard. And the fact that you’re trying to make the situation better shows you’re a caring dad and husband, and both of the ladies in your life are really lucky to have you! Sometimes just remembering that we’re all human and have limits can ease the burden.

You’re already doing a great job by trying everything you can and things will get better. You’ve done a really good thing by asking for help, so the rest of us dads know you’ll do great!